Captain Purplehead

Yes, it’s true; this is my 100th rant on this site. Since last July I have been waxing lyrical on all manner of shite and now I find myself at this worrying milestone. There have been many highlights in my life this year outside of my duties on the Thirsty Kipper but the highlight of my ranting is the disposal of one Mr. Richard Shepherd and his writing web-shite. Due to the dedication of Debs and Rochelle and a few others we have now ensured that his website - worldsgreatestnovel.com - is now a dumping site for every fucking reprobate on the net with a link to dump. I recently posted as “Mematey” in his forum and he didn’t even ban me. Was it good enough for him to simply neglect the site? No. There are still twenty-one authors, whose work is still associated with Dick’s scam. My mission now is to protect these authors from being associated with the idiot spammers and perverts who now use the forum.
Providence is a funny thing. Whilst writing this, I noticed that I had a new comment on my last post. It was from the wonderful Debra, who has just informed me that the site is now gone. It has joined the choir eternal. Now that’s progress. I won’t go into the specifics of this scam as I have several other earlier posts on this subject under The World’s Greatest Nobble. Indeed, there is a link to Debra’s site on my links section so, if you’d like to learn more about Dick the idiot, feel free to take a look.
The more I think about it, the more I realise that one hundred rants in eight months isn’t all that great. It’s just over twelve rants per month, which isn’t what you’d call prolific. Still, in the words of the late Magnus Magnussen, I’ve started so I’ll finish. Will I become more prolific in the next eight months? I certainly hope not. If that were to happen, it would mean that there is even more shit that’s going to piss me off. Do I have to write solely about things that piss me off? No, but I tend to put all other considerations on the long finger.
I was recently talking to the great Bock The Robber via email and he asked me how I would describe bloggers. I said that they were kind of like super heroes. Mild mannered citizens - or in my case, wild mannered pirates - by day who assume a different identity in the virtual world to champion humour and justice and to prove that the pen is mightier than the sword. We each have unique powers. One of mine seems to be the ability to piss people off. I have had some interesting comments throughout my eight months as a blogger.
The Celia Holman Lee rant also seemed to generate some debate amongst you. I have been called everything from a twat to fuck-face to the champion of the real people over that one and I accept each moniker with gratitude. Ah tis nice that even the vacuous take time to read and comment on my work. I won’t say that I will publish every comment - there have been some stupid, racist, fucking knuckle-dragging wastes of oxygen who have made some pretty disgusting comments - but I will never refuse to publish a comment simply because it is from someone who has something less than flattering to say about me.
There are some rants that I began but didn’t finish because they bored me. One such rant was about Dublin 4 people - is there any lower form of life north of the amoeba? Dublin 4 people bore me and writing about them had a similar effect. I will say that a friend of mine was at Croke Park for the historic game against England and had the misfortune to be seated in front of a shower of Dublin 4 idiots. One was heard to shout, “Get O’Gara off!” I suppose his one hundred percent success rate from kicks that day simply wasn’t good enough for them. Another thing that seems to be unworthy of them is the Irish accent. Fucking tossers. Yes, I’m sure there are some normal people who live in Dublin 4 but they really should move so that we can clear out what’s left.
I’ve also had a go at George W Bush several times but my feelings about him have changed somewhat. I used to think that George was an evil, racist, monosyllabic moron who is only fit to run a fucking hen-house. On deeper reflection I have changed my opinion on him. He isn’t fit to run a hen house. Remiss of me, was that.
I’ve had a go at Irish celebrities and celebrity in general but I really shouldn’t waste my breath - or at least the energy it takes to type - on these idiots. If people are into that shit, it’s way too late for me to try and change their minds. You can become a celebrity by first becoming the lowest form of human shite. The Hamiltons became celebrities through being accused of sexual assault. Heather Mills is a celebrity because she is willing to whore herself for financial gain, yet still refuse to call herself a whore. In an ideal world she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on in court - yeah, I know, sorry about that.
I’ve slagged off the Irish government - or lack there of - and with good reason. You’d think it would be the easiest thing in the world to write child protection laws but they end up making it easier for amoral briefs to get their pervert clients off the hook. Here’s the thing; if you are found guilty of being a paedophile, you are sent to jail without the chance of ever seeing freedom again. We live in a world where a woman who defaulted on a €1600 Credit Union loan was sent to jail, yet a man found with over one thousand images of child pornography on his hard drive got a €1000 fine and a three month suspended sentence. That’s €1 per image and no jail time. What good news for the nasty little perverts in our society. We also gave a state funeral to a man who swindled the country out of tens of millions. Well, that’s Ireland for you. You can’t say our governments aren’t consistent. They’ve been consistently bad since the formation of the state.
Animal cruelty is another atrocity that has never been dealt with in this country. If you have a pet, they’re always glad to see you. We seem to have a habit in this country of ignoring the innocent victims and celebrating the guilty. Fucking pathetic, if you ask me.
So, one hundred fucking rants. No big deal really. Another highlight, though, was being nominated for an award for one of my rants. I didn’t make the shortlist but it is great to have been nominated and thank you to whoever nominated me. I heard that the awards party was a great success and I hope to dock the Thirsty Kipper in Dublin next year and join you.
In closing, and before I go on to my one hundred and first rant, I’d like to say to those of you have commented that it’s easy for me to rant, since I have the forum in which to do it; go and get yourself a page. It’s free, it’s easy and it’s the best therapy I know.
Well, I’m off to down a few kegs of rum in honour of this milestone. Ah fuck it, any excuse will do.
Take care and a YYYYYAAAAAAARRRRRRR to each and every one of you.

Just a quick post to wish you all a happy new year. The Thirsty Kipper is docked and I will be seeing in the new year with me foine wench and me crew. The rum has been… ahem… appropriated and the decks are scrubbed. I have had many things to give out about this year and it is my firm hope that 2007 holds far less to complain about. I have also had many things that made me smile. In Bloggage, I firmly recommend Bock The Robber - a fellow Limerick man and a foine blogger if ever there was one. Check out his Scientology blog and the mighty dictator one, which is one of the cleverest I have read.
In music, I loved the new Muse album but not as much as Absolution. I also loved Grant Lee Philips’ Nineteeneighties album which covers great songs of the eighties like Wave of Mutilation by the Pixies, Love My Way by the psychedelic Furs, Last night I dreamed somebody loved me by the Smiths and Boys don’t cry by the Cure.
In politics, I was heartened by the American peoples’ firm too fingers to the Republicans.
In movies, I loved The Departed, the movie based on my life starring Johnny Depp and Nacho Libre. To be honest, I saw quite a few better movies than the ones above but I cannot think of them at the moment.
In sport, I loved the Villa takeover and managerial appointment. I loved our start to the season but the transfer window can’t open soon nor wide enough. I also loved hearing Mourinho making an arse of himself.
Loved the Ryder Cup and enjoyed my time there.
In travel, I loved Venice and Rome. Italy is a secret that everyone should discover.
In Piracy, I loved our sacking of the Island of Dodgy Skull and the new GPS system I installed in the Thirsty Kipper.
I hope you all find some joy in the new year and that you don’t take it for granted. I someone makes you smile on a regular basis. I hope and wish and pray that we all find peace.
Happy New Year!!!!! YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

I have still not been given the go-ahead to continue attacking the Richard Shepherd but I can point you to a forum on which you can discuss your misgivings or otherwise. Worlds Greatest Nobble Forum is one such forum. This is a newly founded forum and it’s not exclusively aimed at ridding the internet of Richard Shepherd so you can air your views on all writing-related topics. Worlds Greatest Nobble is a site set up to inform people of the idiocy and greed of Richard Shepherd but is dedicated to exposing those sheisters who seek to profit from the hopes and dreams of people who, unlike them, were born with talent and imagination.
For those of you who are experienced writers or who would just like to hone their writing skills, you can go to the Online Scribblers site click here. I can personally vouch for the validity and integrity of Online Scribblers.
That’s it. Short post. Back soon.

Coming soon: Captain Purplehead reinvents Christmas.

Richard Curtis wrote Blackadder. Why am I telling you this? Richard Curtis wrote Blackadder and he also wrote Notting Hill and Four Weddings and a Funeral. Oh I can feel it. I’m going to go off on one.
For those of you who have ever been to Notting Hill, you will know that it is a multicultural place. In other words; it isn’t populated by cheery, foppy haired, middleclass white people. If your only experience of Notting Hill is the film, you would be forgiven for thinking it was so. Y’see, in this so-called enlightened 21st century, racism hasn’t gone away, it has just become more subtle. Why are all the cast of Notting Hill white? Because Richard Curtis obviously believes that no one is interested in the lives of black people. You can hug all the starving kids you want on T.V, Richard, if you don’t actually feel it it’s just a publicity stunt. I’m glad that money has been raised for people who should not be allowed to go hungry in the first place but, let’s face it, if any of those kids became a celebrated actor or actress, would you put them in one of your movies? Fuck no. Not while Hugh Grant is still fooling everyone. Bill Gates has given most of his fortune to help these people and he didn’t need the carrot of a TV soundbite to do it. He, like most of us, saw the pornography of cruelty and injustice that could be stopped if the governments of the wealthier nations actually gave a fuck and realised that he could make a huge difference. Bill Gates, I salute you.
When I was a kid, I idolised Phil Lynott. I didn’t even think about what colour his skin was because he was ours. He was Irish. He was The Rocker. The funny thing about racism is that the biggest racists spend a fucking fortune trying to make their skin darker. They go on sun holidays, wear factor .000000000002 and then come home unhappy with being lightly browned so go off and get a spray tan. The result is that their skin looks leathery and orange. Anyway, this rant was not supposed to be about racism because, if I start on that, I’ll turn the fucking air a healthy shade of fucking blue!!
Let’s get back to good ol Richard Curtis for a moment. Four Weddings and a fucking Funeral? I know the clue is in the title but what the fuck was that movie about? Here’s an idea for your next movie Richard: You get Hugh Grant, right, and you cast him as a foppy haird, wealthy, middleclass, unemployed piano tuner living in a penthouse studio apartment in Picadilly Circus. He’s dating a quirky, hippy-chick pigfarmer - played by Martine McCutcheon - whose catchphrases include, “don’t mind me, I’m a thick fucking bint” and “it better be Prada.” Their relationship is pedestrian at best and Hugh just can’t reconcile himself to a life of middle-aged, middle-class mediocrity. Enter Sharon Stone - as I’m sure many have - as a former superstar pianist, trying to relaunch her career in London. She’s engaged to a domineering, former Nigerian Ambassador named Faruq - played by Mike Reid - and she grieves daily about the lack of rommance in her life. One day she discovers that her priceless steinway is out of tune. She likens it to her lovelife. A montage of her former glories ensues and is set to a soundtrack of Cliff Richard singing, What Becomes of the Broken Hearted. She decides to call in a piano tuner. Enter Hugh. He’s in a bit of a quandry because he is supposed to have a date with Martine but he can’t turn the work down. “Bugger” he says.
In the meantime, Faruq - far from happy at the lack of attention he is getting from his wife - decides to go out with his mat, Mohammed - played by Jim Davidson. Hugh and Sharon fall in love - though it doesn’t manifest itself straight away but through a series of hilarious misadventures, punctuated by Hugh saying, “bugger” - and Faruq, Mohammed and Martine get it together with hilarious results. The film ends with a double wedding and, over the closing credits, we have Bryan McFatarse and Victoria Peckham singing a duet of Endless Love. Instant hit Richard. You can send my share of the royalties to Captain Purplehead, The Thirsty Kipper, Half way Around the Cape of Good Hope.
I mean, not only do we have to endure an hour and a half of utter shit, he ends one with Wet - fucking Wet - oh not again - Wet and the other with Ronan - will you fucking shut the fuck up - Keating singing cover versions of fucking horrible songs, which inevitably go to number one so that every time you turn on the fucking radio you have to hear the fucking things and then you go to work with a nagging pain in the back of your mind and take it out on your colleagues who say, “what’s up with you” and then you go on a rampage, stabbing everyone in sight with a fucking bic biro and then you go to court with an armed escort and they keep singing “I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes” all the way to the courthouse and you keep thinking, “what were they singing about, rheumathoid arthritis? Fucking shingles?” and the judge sentences you to seventy two hours community service, spent cleaning the puke out of the carpet in Teds before returning to his chambers singing, “Itsh amazshing how I get way with thish voish” and you get to Teds andthey keep playing the summer party album form nineteen eighty seven eventhough it’s November and it’s pissing and, on your lunch break, and you are made to read Jodie Marsh’s autobiography… AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH. DANTE’S FUCKING INFERNO SEEMS LIKE HEAVEN IN COMPARISON!!!!! You sadistic bastard Richard! What did the public ever do to you? Take a holiday, Richard, a fucking long one.
Now we come to chick lit. These are books about office girls with no self-esteem who eventually bag a hunk because of their strong, never say die spirits and their caustic wit. FUCK OFF!!!! With the possible exception of Marian Keyes, FUCK OFF!!! I won’t call it a variation on a theme because, whilst there certainly is a theme, there is little fucking variation. Bertie Ahern’s daughter has just signed a bumper fucking publishing deal and an even bumpier fucking movie deal with her chick lit offering, P.S I love you. Just look at the fucking title for fuck’s sake!!! Did she write a book about growing up with a crook for a father? No. Did she write a book about her take on the corruption she was helpless to stop? No. She should have called it “P.S I Screwed the lot of you” or “P.S I’ll get back to you as soon as I get my tongue out of George Wanker Bush’s Arse” or “P.S Thanks for the backhander” or “P.S stands for Pitiful State.” But no, she writes a fucking chick book. A formulaic pandering to women who should fucking know better. J.K Rowling is a wonderful author who is almost single-handedly responsible for making kids passionate about reading again. She has opened up a world for them and given them reason to believe that other authors can too. J.K Rowling received countless rejection letters from publishing companies and agents. Cecilia Ahern did not receive one. Jordan was invited to write a book. Ashley - who really gives a fuck - Cole was asked to write a book. Wayne Rooney was asked to write an autobiography before he was even twenty one. Ronan Keating has written TWO autobiographies and he isn’t even thirty yet! FFFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!! I know that none of these idiots actually put pen to paper. No, they had someone else to write it for them but do you see something wrong with this picture?
As long as we’re entertained, we can be momentarily distracted from the dismal reality of what’s going on around us. Books and films are supposed to move you. They’re supposed to illicit a response. Books are now disposable pieces of rubbish. Films are now forgettable. Music is now FUCKING SHITE!!!!
I’m going to write a chick book. I’m going to call it, “If You Swallow Marmite, You’ll Swallow Anything.” Na, probably too long winded, “Sorry About The Pearl Necklace.” … Na, I’d never get away with that. “Louis Vitton Designed My Sack”. Na, too typical. I’ll get back to you on the t….. Wait a minute… “I’ll Get Back To You.” Perfect!! It’ll be about a bored housewife, working in the Social Welfare office who keeps losing people’s paperwork. Her life is pointless until a foppy haired, wealthy, middle-class, unemployed banana straightener who lives in Moyross comes in to her life. Richard; I think we’ve got another hit. I’m thinking “Gonna Write a Classic” covered by Will Young for the end credits.
We’re in the money. We’re in the money…… So long me hearties.

Ashley Cole is about to become a published author. Jodie Marsh IS a published author. Jordan is a published author. All I can say is that, at least, they are getting the primates amongst us to read. If, however, you have ever thought about writing; here’s a challenge for you. http://www.bidfortheworld.com/greatestnovel.html. I’m sorry that this may not print as a link but please type it in - even to google. The challenge I give you is to rewrite your favourite scene from a movie, soap opera, comedy or George W Bush speech and submit it to the address above. This site claims that it is trying to put together the greatest novel in the world. The way they are going to do this is by getting lots of authors to submit their work before holding a vote on which one is the best. Of course, this isn’t why this site is set up at all. It has been set up by a guy called Richard Shepherd, who basically wants to make a quick buck from advertising and even selling the opening space of the novel on eBay. He tells the members of the site that he has professional editors working on all of the pieces submitted. One look at the editing and you can see that a four year old child could do a better job. I have now been banned from the forum on said website because I - in my own inimitable way - have offered an opinion that the administrator does not agree with. I encourage all of you to register on this site and launch a “bring back Cap’n P” demonstration.
There are some decent authors who are being conned by Mr. Shepherd and I just can’t let him get away with that. For your story; pick something like Ken Barlow finding a portal to another dimension in the toilet of the Rovers but make sure that you use the names of soap stars or b-movie actors for your characters. It may get selected.
Ok; here’s the thing. I submitted two stories to the above website and both were selected. One was pretty good; the other was an abomination to literature. I logged onto the forum and encountered a few people who were giving themselves great reviews and I challenged them on this. The administrator - obviously taking a leaf out of Adolph Eichmman’s book - deleted every post that alluded to any kind of unprofessional behaviour. I further challenged Mr. Shepherd on this and got myself banned. I didn’t even tell him to go fuck himself. I didn’t point out what a cheap fucking wanker I thought he was. In fact; I used no profanity at all. I simply asked pertinent questions about his rather fascist forum policies. After being banned, I requested that both my works be removed from the site. After asking me to reconsider my position and being told that I was not going to change it, Mr. Shepherd and his crew of miscreants promptly removed my work. After seeing what a total farce the site was, another author - Rochelle Moore - posted her own request to have her work removed. Her reasons for doing this were more righteous than my own. The unfavourable criticism of her work had been removed and she was furious that this had happened as she wanted an even balance to the forum. Rochelle’s post was promptly deleted but not before I got a screen print of it.
Rochelle - unlike me - is a talented and respected published author. So what’s the problem then? I hear you ask. Well there really wouldn’t have been a problem had I not checked the forum after my work had been removed. You see, Rochelle and I have been accused of cheating. Mr. Shepherd did not state that we asked for our work to be removed because we felt that his unprofessional behaviour made a mockery of every submission on his site. He told the forum that we had been kicked off the site for self promoting our work. This is a lie and I have saved his emails and the screen shots from the forum to prove it.
Now I’ve never met Mr. Shepherd but, from his petulant responses to my emails, I’m guessing he’s in his forties but with the mentality of a ten year old. I imagine he is bald, fat and pock-marked from adult acne and his idea of foreplay is about six months of begging. None of these things make him a bad person. What makes him a bad person is his insistence on taking out his short-comings, (probably premature ones too), on the people who contributed to his site. It’s one thing to control the content of a free forum but it’s quite another to lie about genuine people who removed their work because they didn’t want to be associated with an unprofessional and possibly fraudulent website. I know I’m using this forum to have a go at the idiot but, since he refuses to answer my emails, I feel I have little choice. I have reported him to four different internet watchdogs and his site’s FTP is now being closely monitored but I’d like as many of you to experience this site for yourselves as possible.
Here’s an interesting thing. Years ago the workers in a cruelly run factory staged a protest by throwing their clogs - which were called sabot - into the machinery, thus breaking the mechanism. That is why we now have the word, sabotage. Don’t ask me why I brought that up when I’m encouraging you all to post your stories on this site because I really don’t know. I guess I just wanted to share that little nugget with you. Should you get it into your head that I am encouraging you to do anything underhanded, I assure you I was only pointing this out as it sprang to mind and I just love sharing things like that with people.
What Mr. Shepherd is doing is tantamount to book-burning. We all know what fascism does to any society and I think that it is important that any such idiots are exposed for the Nazis they are. Mr. Shepherd asks for your entry to be 1000 words long. He aims to create the world’s greatest novel - which, presumably, will stand the test of time for a thousand years. Sort of a thousand word, thousand year Reich, if you will. The comparisons are too close to the bone to be anything but the truth. The proof is there if he needs it. I know that others wanted proof and I have passed this proof onto them. Cap’n P is nothing if not a solid citizen after all. We have allies in his camp too. I have been personally contacted by seven selected authors and I have encouraged them to keep their work in. This is advice given to me by a wonderful lady who has had fourteen shady literary agents put behind bars. She is very very interested in the goings on of Richard Shepherd, Claire Boyd and Bob Harris. They are also claiming to have over three and a half thousand hits a day. This is a statistic they give to any potential bidder for advertising space. With that many hits, you’d think they’d have more than forty two registered users. Actually it’s less than forty two because quite a few people logged on with multiple identities. A more realistic - if somewhat generous - figure would be twenty four. I think we all agree that there are too many fuckers on the internet trying to bleed a few quid at the expense of honest people. It is my opinion that this site is aiming to do just that.
In closing, I would like to offer my sincerest thanks and respect to Rochelle Moore. She is honest, she is talented and she stood up to the wanker that is Richard Shepherd when he removed posts that were less than complimentary about her work. I love her writing and she, unlike Richard Shithead, know that ignoring negative criticism leads to a provincial view of one’s work. You cannot progress in anything in life if your mistakes are not pointed out to you. There was not one offensive comment left on that website but Dick Shithead didn’t like it when people pointed out that the failings in the works involved were actually the failings of his so-called editor. Rochelle is an excellent writer and, as such, is better off distancing herself from idiots like Dick and his scams. My continued involvement in exposing Mr. Shepherd ends when he prints an apology to Rochelle Moore. I don’t even expect him to apologize to me.
The opinions expressed in this blog are my own. They are shared by others but I speak only for myself. My comments are borne of my bad experience on a badly run website and the physical evidence that I have. Anybody who wishes to share their views on this are entitled to do so in the comments section. I neither encourage nor tempt anyone to jump on my bandwagon. I speak for myself and - in that spirit - hey Dick; you’re a fucking twat who has dangerously underestimated the power of others to use your medium against you. This is just the beginning.