Captain Purplehead

Football is a passion of mine. I call it football because that is its name. It is NOT soccer. The American called it soccer so as not to get it confused with American Football, which predominantly involves the hands. It also shouldn’t be confused with our own Gaelic Bogball. It is football. It was conceived in England and, perfected in South America and processed to its strategic best in Holland. I love its drama, its passion, its artistry and its ability to stun even its harshest critics into a state of awe. Most of the people I know prefer rugby or hurling and, yes, they are both great sports but I just don’t think there is ever going to be the same level of close control skills in any other team sport. Of course, I’m going to get the usual, “ah fuck off, Cap’n. It’s a sissy’s sport” bullshit from people who only look at those professional footballers who give Oscar winning performances when a member of the opposition breathes on them but that is one small and unfortunate facet of the modern game. There is still much beauty to be derived.

People may point the finger at the likes of Christiano Ronaldo or Rivaldo as being drama-queens and forever miss the point because, if you watch those players and witness the utter skill they’ve developed, it really is something to behold even if they’re both wankers who roll around on the ground too much. No true football fan enjoys that shit and we’re not all thugs either so kindly stop generalising when you’re talking about football fans. The game has too often been marred by a small proportion of its supporters. Anyone who has taken the time to watch it, can never call it a shit sport. It’s simply magnificent.
Having said all that, however, it has seen better days. In fact, I think we’ve already seen the best of football because it is a sport truly in decline. The reason for this is not that there is more diving in the game. If anything, there is less these days. It’s not because of the now occasional spate of violence. It is in decline because the money to be made in the game has gone to epic proportions and the footballers themselves are mercenaries who never know when enough is enough.

Yesterday the Arsenal captain, Robin Van Persie, made a statement to the fans that he was not renewing his contract because he didn’t believe the club’s ambitions matched his own. This is, of course, absolute bullshit. He also stated that he is not motivated by money. Easily said when you have just turned down a £130,000.00 per week contract, along with various other sweeteners. Now, before you go thinking, “wait, he turned it down. That must mean he’s not motivated by money.” No, he knows he’ll be offered upwards of £200,000.00 per week at City, Utd, Juventus or Paris Saint Germain. Maybe even Chelsea but surely he wouldn’t go to another London club… would he?
My point here is that footballers are stupid fucking people. Not financially stupid, just generally stupid. The best players have been coveted since a very young age and are, by and large, blinded to reality. We won’t see the likes of Zidane, Zico, Maradonna, Messi, Ronaldo, Pele, and all the other true greats after a while because the richest clubs buy the best players so their youth players seldom get a chance.
This is in the face of clubs who actually try to do something to save football. Clubs like Arsenal, Southampton, Villa, Everton, Utd and, of course, Barcelona are famed for their academies but they are a dying breed. Arsenal, the team Van Persie accuses of having no ambition, have managed to build a new stadium and maintain consistent Champions League football by staying in the top four of the Premier League without lashing out anywhere near the kind of money and wages that the teams around them do. They also consistently invest in developing youth and this wanker accuses them of having no ambition? If anything they are the most ambitious club in the world because they seek to play the right kind of football within realistic financial constraints. What Van Persie actually means is, they don’t have enough money for his liking.
Man City bought the league last year and very nearly blew it anyway. That same season Arsenal, decimated by departures of the likes of Fabregas and Nasri - built a sold midfield, had an unbelievably shaky start to the season but still managed a third placed finish without breaking the bank or their financial rules. One could argue that their achievement in finishing third dwarfs City’s purchase of the league, but that’s another debate. Van Persie was a huge part in that push for third and, in doing so, added significantly to his value. It has been his best season in football because he’s normally injured. He is now almost 29 and past his best as a player and he is looking for one final big payday. I don’t blame him for that but why come out and publically humiliate the club that he claims to love and who made him the player he is? Well, because he’s stupid.
Let me make this clear; I am not an Arsenal supporter. I admire them a lot but I’m a fan of a different club. A club much lower down the food chain. but my point holds true. Very few footballers should be allowed to speak in public. Stewart Downing, when asked about his Aston Villa future at the end of April 2011, said, “I’m perfectly happy at this club. I love the fans and the staff and I will be a Villa player even if we are relegated. They stuck with me and supported me through my injury and I feel I owe them”.
I loved him for that comment. I loved him right up until the day the transfer window opened, six weeks later, and Liverpool came sniffing. Suddenly he is handing in a tranfer request at Villa and is saying, “I got into football to win things and I just don’t feel that’s going to happen at Villa”. Stewart Downing went to Liverpool for 20 million, scored no goals and assisted in the scoring of no goals. Stewart Downing is an idiot.
Christiano Ronaldo, when angling for a move from Utd to Real accused the Utd Hierarchy of keeping him as a slave. Yeah, Christiano; a slave on 180K per week. Christiano Ronaldo is an extremely gifited tosser.
Rangers have now been thrown out of the Scottish Premier League, meaning that that league is now utterly pointless. Man City have gotten their way around FIFA’s financial fair play rules and will continue to do so. Football will start to dwindle because there will be no youth infrastructure and that is simply unsustainable.
We have just seen the end of an enjoyable Euro 2012 tournament and it proves, yet again, that the Spanish and German models work best. Yes, the Italians beat the Germans in the semi final but you have to assume that, if the aging - but sublime - Andrea Pirlo hadn’t been involved, they wouldn’t have done. I will even venture to opine that, had that tie been played over two legs, the Germans would’ve gone through. German domestic football is coming back also.
Money will eventually destroy everything. It has destroyed music, movies and sport and it will destroy everything it is allowed to take over. I still love football but it is becoming a relationship that is more akin to a couple that sometimes acknowledge each other with affection. Those acknowledgements become rarer and rarer with every passing football season. I will leave you with the best football song ever written.

While this may not resonate with all readers, it is important in indicating how inept our soccer hierarchy are here in Ireland. You will see that the below incident features a club to which FAI Chairman, John Delaney was heavily affiliated. Now I’m not saying that that held some sway in a disgraceful decision in an arbitration hearing brought about by one team who simply weren’t good enough to beat another team but… No, wait a second. That’s exactly what I’m fucking saying. I’ve called John Delaney an idiot. I’ve called John Delaney a moron. I’ve called John Delaney a cunt and now I’m calling him a lying, corrupt moronic and thoroughly dispicable cunt. The tipperary soccer club, St Michaels should also be thoroughly and absolutely ashamed of themselves. To any player playing for this disgraceful team, I’d urge you to look for a transfer to a decent side who don’t have use a technicality to get ahead in a competition they’re not good enough to be in. I perosnally hope Clonmel hammer the fucking bejaysus out of ye.

THE FAI’s interpretation of their own rules governing players returning from the League of Ireland (LOI) back to junior soccer is
under the microscope in Limerick after the Munster Football Association (MFA) this week arrived a different ruling than its governing body.

With football fans in the Mid-West already up in arms because of the FAI’s decision to cull the Limerick FC friendly with FC Barcelona at Thomond
Park in July, the MFA, meeting in Turners Cross last Monday night, decided that Limerick side Pike Rovers can continue in the Munster
Junior Cup (MJC).

Pike were effectively booted out of the FAI Junior Cup by the FAI last month. The club subsequently appealed their expulsion to arbitration, but that appeal
was given the thumbs down.

Pike were/are in dispute with Tipperary side St Michael’s - who list FAI CEO John Delaney as a former player - who they beat 4-2 in the quarter finals of the FAI Junior Cup in Cooke Park in March.
Following the defeat in their own back yard St Michael’s lodged a protest with the FAI Junior Council.

The protest was lodged on the grounds that a number of Pike players - later reduced to a protest against one Pike player - were ineligible because
they were not properly re-instated or re-graded after returning from the LOI to junior soccer.

The FAI Junior Council subsequently decided that in the interest of fair play that the tie should be replayed, but
both clubs appealed that decision to the FAI Senior Council.

However, the FAI Senior Council ruled against Pike and they went to arbitration. The arbitration hearing was heard last Wednesday at FAI HQ in Abbotstown and the Shannonsiders were informed by post 24 hours later that they had lost.

Meanwhile, MFA Secretary Ger Delaney confirmed just a few days after the arbitration hearing, that the MFA, meeting in Turner’s Cross last Monday, had “made the decision that Pike Rovers can continue in the Munster Junior Cup.”

A Pike Rovers spokesman confirmed that the player at the centre of the FAI Junior Cup protest played in the Munster Junior Cup. This was also confirmed by the MFA, who
embargoed the Limerick clubs involvement in the MJC pending the outcome of the arbitration hearing.

Commentating on the arbitration result, the Pike Rovers spokesman admitted the club were devastated, adding that the club, founded in 1938, deserved a lot more respect than to be expelled for the FAI Junior Cup in this manner.

Pike Rovers now meet Carrick United in the MFC semi final at Jackman Park in Limerick on Saturday May 29, while St Michael’s, who were outplayed by Pike Rovers and beaten fairly and squarely in their own back yard, advance to the semi finals of the FAI Junior Cup on an interpretation of a technicality - it beats actually having to score goals.

They’ll meet fellow Tipp side Clonmel Town in the last four. The winners will face Fairview Rangers in the FAI Junior Cup final on June 13.

It is estimated that it can cost the club in the region of €8,000 to €10,000 to go to arbitration.

So we have confirmed Trappatoni as Ireland manger. He’s had a lot of success at club level and I sincerely hope that he will have a measure of the success that he had at club level. He hasn’t had much success so far with international management but I’m not going to be one of those guys who points out his shortcomings before he’s even started the job. All I’ll say is that, at least he has more English that our last manager.

It’s funny the way things go. Days after making the ludicrous claim on Sky Sports News that his time in charge of the Irish team was a success, Steve Staunton takes the post of assistant manager of Leeds. This also puts into stark relief the inanity of his appointment as Irish manager. Are we saying that the level we require is that of an assistant manager at a third division club?
Trappatoni is now in the frame for to succeed Stan and, though I would never question the managerial record of the great man, I sincerely question his passion for the role of Ireland. Firstly, he is seventy on his next birthday and has barely a word of English. Ok, I know that Stan had very little English but we should be looking to improve the lines of communication between manager and playing staff. His only other experience of international management came as manager of Italy during the 2002 World Cup. He was sacked after their exit at the hands of South Korea. Of course, we should look at that as a political exit as they had 3 goals disallowed in that match so that the co-hosts could go as far as possible in the competition.
Right, why are we suddenly singing the name of Giovanni Trappatoni? I’m not going to go through what is a glowing CV as far as club management is concerned because everyone can use Google these days but I will say that I don’t agree that he should be our manager. The man is at the very end of his career and he’s simply picking up another pay packet. Like Venables, I can’t see him having any passion for the job. I don’t think he’d be quite the disaster that Venables would be but he’s not going to give us the long term stability we need. We need young, hands on manager who won’t suffer egos or fools - normally the same thing - easily. We need a no-nonsense manager who won’t be afraid to tell the criminally inept FAI to keep their noses out of his affairs and won’t be afraid to strip Robbie Keane of the captaincy. In fact, he shouldn’t be afraid to drop Robbie if his poor international form continues. It is for these reasons that the likes of Venables and Trappatoni should not be considered for the Irish job.
I really doubt that we’re going to find any stability given the corruption that is rife within the FAI but we shouldn’t stop criticising Delaney and his clowns.

So Steve Staunton has been sacked… Well I’m not saying I’m sorry to see him go but his dismissal only serves to illustrate that the FAI haven’t a clue what they’re doing. John Delaney and David Blood should follow Stan out of Irish football if we are to have any hope of resurrecting our National team. They appointed Stan despite his complete lack of experience in a managerial role. “He has one hundred and two caps so he must know what he’s doing” was their rationale. I once watched a guy fix a car but nobody’s offered me a job as a mechanic.
I feel sorry for Stan. He was a brilliant player for Ireland and my beloved Villa. He was a great servant. Who’d have thought that he was so tactically inept? His ineptitude, however, pales in comparison to the ineptitude of the FAI.
Let’s see who they appoint as the next manager. Why not David O’Leary? He systematically destroyed Villa and was involved in the pulverisation of Leeds, which makes him the perfect man for the Irish job.

I have been absent for a while due to work commitments - lowly vessels won’t pillage themselves, y’know - but I’m back now. The hold’s rum supply is once again replenished and I’m doing ok for trinkets and such. I was going to write a new post on Wednesday but I decided I’d watch the match first. I use the term “match” loosely because what it really was was a pile of steaming elephant shit. I speak of course of the Irish soccer team’s meeting with the mighty Cyprus. Yes, Cyprus, that giant of international football. Brazilians shudder at the very mention of its name.
Cyprus has a population of around 730,000 people and a couple of goats. 12.5% of Cyprus belongs to Turkey so that leaves around 640,000 people to pick a football team from. Taking that into account, Ireland should be streets ahead of them in terms of the quality of players available to them, right? Absolutely right. We have better players in every position. We should be blooding new players against the likes of Cyprus and still beat them by at least a couple of goals. Let’s take it one step further: Cyprus are a crap football team. We were in a crap group. The Czech Republic are no longer the force they once were and Germany are now pedestrian at best. We had two games this week and we should have won one of them. I speak, of course, of the game against Germany. All we were missing in that game was a Spurs jersey because, if Robbie Keane had been wearing a Spurs jersey instead of an Irish one, he would have scored at least two goals against an average defence. Take the captaincy off of Robbie and he might be a better player for it.
As I watched - simultaneously reminded of a painful molar extraction - I noticed something that you would expect a manager to notice. Joey O’Brien played a decent game at centre-half against Germany. John - the donkey - O’Shea has proven time and time again his ineptitude in the centre-half position. John - the donkey O’Shea is a donkey but he’s a better midfield option than anything Cyprus had to offer. I know what you’re thinking; why is he telling us this? Well, Staunton decided to use John - the donkey - O’Shea as a centre half and push Joey O’Brien into a central midfield role that he had not played in before. This smacks to me of a man who hasn’t a clue how to manage a football team. Do I blame Staunton for the current mess we’re in? No.
In the stands at the game were two of Ireland’s better known criminals, Bertie Ahern and John Delaney. Ireland crumbled under minor pressure while these two fucking dickheads discussed how best to describe a brown envelope. John Delaney should step down from the FAI and take up a job as George W. Bush’s speechwriter. Fucking clueless fucking moron who cannot even manage a decent comb-over. TWAT TWAT TWAT TWAT!!!
The one thing that pissed me off about the encounter, after the manner of our capitulation, was that we weren’t beaten by the four goals that Cyprus deserved.
Here’s a little statistic for the FAI to chew over. If the table was displayed after two games against Cyprus, it would read that Ireland have scored two and conceded six. Fuck off Delaney.

I only use that title because I’ll be surprised if at least one tabloid doesn’t use it, given the fact that Jose Mourinho has parted company with Chelsea.
When Jack Walker bankrolled Blackburn’s push to the title, everybody said they bought the league. When Peter Ridsdale bankrolled a briefly successful period for Leeds Utd under David - The Destroyer - O’Leary, their fans were on cloud nine. When they consequently became an almost non-entity, those same fans rued the day they cheered for the £22m signing of a donkey by the name of Rio. Now Chelsea fans will wake up to the news that the most ridiculous club in the world has sacked their Special One.
I spoke to a “new” Chelsea fan only a couple of nights ago and he asked my why I still support Villa? I asked him, in turn, why he supports Chelsea and he told me that he loves a winner.
‘Well,’ said I, ‘why don’t you support Villa then?’
‘You might have beaten us two weeks ago,’ said he, ‘but Chelsea have a better pedigree.’
I could have gone on to educate this idiot about the fact that Villa’s trophy cabinet makes Chelsea’s look like a standard mantelpiece but I relented because, tosser though he most certainly is, he had a point. Chelsea have never been beaten at home under Jose Mourinho. Yes, he spent a bucket-load of cash on his squad. Yes, they bought the league in a bigger and more destructive way than Blackburn had but you simply cannot argue with a record like that. I guarantee you that Chelsea will be beaten at home this season. Now that it appears Mourinho has gone, they will get a manager like Hiddink or Lippi who will take their time moulding a team.
Apparently Roman Abramovich wants them to play more attractive football. Spurs play great football but they will never win the league playing like that. Arsenal play better football than anyone in the Premier league but they cannot sustain a heavy injury list. Chelsea have started the season without several key players and they have still maintained their unbeaten home record and that is the point.
Chelsea have had the worst luck with injuries. No squad can cope with the loss of more than two key players. Abramovich paid £31m for Shevchenko. Mourinho didn’t ask for him. Chelsea is a classic case of megalomania. I dearly hope that they finish outside the top four this season because Roman is a fucking wastrel. Here’s a guy who could feed and impoverished nation for a decade without making a dent in his ill-gotten fortune but, instead, he decides to pay a fortune for a striker who is well past his sell-by date.
Mourinho was a character in a game that is fast becoming devoid of them.
Here’s hoping Chelsea become the next Leeds United.

I’m a Villa fan. Let’s get that straight from the start. I love Villa, ok. Football is a great game that is overshadowed by overpaid monkeys flapping their lips in the media way too often. There have been exceptions to this rule. Players like our own Juan Pablo Angel, Gian Luca Vialli and Roy Keane all at least tried to make sense when interviewed and came across well. Thierry Henry was one such player. A player who exudes class, culture and intelligence on and off the field. That is, he did until recently.
“I’m holding this conference because I’m sick of all of the speculation. I’m sick of being asked about my future. I’m an Arsenal player and I will still be an Arsenal player next season.”
Bravo, said I. Y’see Henry was a rarity in football. Not since Matt Le Tissier had we seen a quality player who loved the club he played for. A player who played for the shirt he wore and didn’t mind waxing lyrical about his love for the club. Of course, that statement by Henry was actually a load of bollox because he’s off to Barcelona now. What happened to, “I’m a gunner for life”? I have no love for Arsenal. I do love to watch them play football because they’re managed by a purist. Henry has let Arsenal down, he’s let the premiership down and he’s let himself down. Nobody likes to be lied to. In the end, as we all know, money talks and bullshit walks. Never a truer word spoken as Henry and his cart load of bullshit has walked away from Arsenal. If that’s all you were capable of in the end, Thierry, good riddance.

I have just come around from the shock of seeing one of the worst FA Cup finals in living memory. I thought that the Villa - Chelsea game was bad but the final I’ve just seen was, well, horrendous. Chelsea and United are two teams who should now be suspended from further participation in this competition until such time as they can take it seriously. We know already that United found the World Club Championships more important. A pissy little fucking tournament that nobody watches. I am a Villa fan and I can honestly say that I’m slightly relieved that the mantle of worst FA Cup Final Ever will now slip from the last one in which we were involved to be firmly placed on the fiasco I have just had the misfortune to watch. I will now list five things that I would have been better off doing with my time.
1. Counting how many times I exhale in a minute.
2. Painting something - such as my TV screen - and then watching the paint dry.
3. Seeing how long it will take me to go completely bald by plucking every hair on my head.
4. Shaving my tongue.
5. Just about anything other than watching this fucking match.

And these are supposedly the best two teams in the most competitive league in the world? Hopefully next year we’ll see an Aston Villa - Arsenal final.

I must dispense with the YAAARRRRSS for a moment, in favour of a resounding WWWOOOOOOOHHHHHOOOOO!!!!! Villa have hockeyed Muddlesbourough to climb into the top half of the Premiership. To say I’m delighted is a major understatement. Congrats too to me oul mucker, Bock The Robber as his beloved Scunthorpe have won promotion to the Championship. Hartlepool will be taking their place in league one after their promotion and commiserations must go to Luton and Rotherham who were relegated.
Birmingscum City got a poxy win today but hopefully Derby County can hold them off to a play-off place. It’d be a dream come true to see West Brom beat them in the play-off final. Hee hee.
GGGOOOOOAAANNNNNNNNNNN THE VVVIIIILLLLLAAAAAA