Captain Purplehead

DON’T PANIC!!! There is absolutely no need to panic anymore because we are saved. Criminals can now be rehabilitated, people with mental illnesses can be cured and we can all basically sleep safely in our beds again. War will be a thing of the past, poverty won’t exist and music will once again be of a high standard.
“Surely you jest, Cap’n” I hear you cry. I jest not, my friends. I can tell you that we have a group of people who can solve everything. I know this because Tom Cruise said so and, let’s face it, how could we doubt the little fucker? Small of stature, small of mind is our Tom. Yes, he has been at it again.
The tiny toerag has informed us that it is a privilege to be called a scientologist and it’s something you earn. The shite author who spawned this insane cult - L Ron Hubbard - is lovingly referred to as LRH. It’s kind of like HRH but without the incest - or maybe with it, who knows.
Yes the fun sized fraudster has been jizzing all over the place about scientology and, such is the integrity and backbone of the cult, they have launched an expensive campaign to get his interview stricken from the internet and any other medium through which his inane ramblings can be heard. They failed in their bid to a large degree, although it is still difficult to get the interview in its entirety.
Mr Cruise states that it is the duty of every scientologist to stop when they see an accident because they’re the “only” ones who can help.
“Shit, this guy’s airway is obstructed. Call a paramedic! If this guy doesn’t get an emergency tracheotomy, he’s going to die. Damn it all to hell, people, at least give me a pen. I can give it a shot. I’ve seen it in a movie once…”
“Stop! Don’t call a paramedic, there’s Tom fucking Cruise. He’ll know what to do. He’s a fucking actor for fuck’s sake. He’s bound to have simulated an emergency tracheotomy or two in his time. Help us Tom.”
“Be still my child. Yes, I am Tom Cruise and, not only have I simulated everything from masturbation to tracheotomies on film, I’m also a scientologist and we know fucking everything. For instance, I happen to know that you’re name is Richard, you’re a Libran, you’re favourite colour is yellow and you’re favourite actor is me.”
“Well my name’s actually Linda and the colour yellow hurts my eyes but that’s not important right now. Can you help this man?”
“While I’ve been talking to you, I’ve been sucking tiny aliens out of his body with the immense power of my mind.”
“I think he’s stopped breathing.”
“Nonsense. You just haven’t grasped mortality on the same level as I have.”

Ok, for fuck’s sake, will someone sedate this idiot and get him some professional help? When you watch the clip below, you will realise that he isn’t simply an idiot. He’s lost the fucking plot. He now thinks he’s the fucking Messiah. Next thing you know you’ll see Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson wearing robes and chanting at us. It’s funny that none of the “help” that Tom has dedicated himself to inflicting on us involves him parting with his vast fortune. Hey Tom, if you really want to fucking help, why not pay my fucking mortgage, you fucking idiot.
Listen, if I’m in an accident, I expressly forbid a fucking scientologist to come anywhere fucking near me. If I’m in pain, I want fucking painkillers and scientologists don’t believe in painkillers so please stay the fuck away from me.

They can rehabilitate criminals. Really? Well why the fuck aren’t you doing it then? Why is half the world at war while the rest of it starves to death? Well? Tom? You fucking moron. If you don’t believe you’re a moron, here’s a couple of reasons why. Firstly; you base your life on the ramblings of a really really really awfully fucking bad author called L. Ron Hubbard and secondly; watch your own interview. Do you actually know what you’re talking about? Will someone please count to three, click their fingers and wake this fucking dickhead from his lifelong hypnotic fugue. FUCK!!! He actually thinks he’s the saviour. He reminds me of another diminutive loser who was given way too much respect back in thirties Germany.

You might wonder what the little fucker is talking about when he extols the virues of “KSW”. It stands for Keep Scientology Working - fucking clever or what. Well it actually goes a little deeper. It means that no scientologist can dispute the word of Hubbard. If they do, they are forced to restudy it until the “misunderstanding” has been resolved. DICTATORSHIP!!! Believe me, if I was forced to read and reread L Ron Hubbard, I’d tell you anything you wanted to hear. I mean that sounds like a truly hideous torture.

Most of us have seen through every other religion - except my own cult who worship Herpes The Wonder Horse - so what makes Tom think we’re going to buy into the “word of Hubbard”? He was a fucking criminally bad author.

Here’s the thing. Scientologists believe that there is no such thing as mental illness. LOOK AT TOM CRUISE BELOW!! HE IS NOW THE POSTER CHILD FOR INSANITY!!!

*I had to change the video because the morons of scientology have made Youtube take this one down. You’d think that a message as seemingly powerful as Tom’s wouldn’t be something they’d want to hide but there you go. This is a Sky News piece on little Tom’s outburst.

See the full tirade HERE Thanks to Bock The Robber for the link.
By the by, when you hear Tom going on about “SPs”, that stands for Suppressive Persons. These are people who disagree vociferously with the loony cult of scientology. Tom, similar to various Nazis, states that he looks forward to a time when these people are history. Remember, this video was never meant to hit the public domain and the Besmirch of Scientology has gone to great lengths to ensure that the general public couldn’t view it so this is pretty much a mission statement. Tom Thumb has also stated that he would like to “rid the world” of psychiatrists.

I love John Prine. Ok, this is a bit too “down by the campfire” for my musical taste but it’s simple lyrics say what Dubya should hear. I should throw Sam Stone in there too because you just know that, when the troops eventually come home, their needs are going to be completely ignored - as usual. I’m not an American. I’m Irish. I, like most other kids, grew up thinking that America was some kind of utopia, where everyone wins, everyone is honest and everyone gets the girl. Well, I don’t know about the latter but I have come to know America as something else entirely. One man is responsible for the rest of the world resenting America. I don’t hate America but I’m fucking disappointed in America. I’m sure that most Americans are now disappointed IN America.

This isn’ the best version of Sam Stone but the video says a lot.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. My opinion is that American foreign policy has long been insipid and murky. I have been accused of listening to “liberal lefties”. Well, I’ve never listened to that band but I do like a couple tracks on “Leftism” by Leftfield, if that’s any use. I don’t align myself to any particular political leaning but, since I abhor the neo conservatives like Bush, Thatcher, Wolfowitz etc, I suppose you could consider my politics to be more on the left side of the political fulcrum. It still amuses me that people still assume I was pro-Clinton, while they are accusing me of being a “lefty”. I was no fan of Clinton but at least he could speak. I may also have a link to Michael Moore’s site on mine but I actually believe that Michael Moore is an arrogant man who has embellished certain facts to achieve his argument. To be honest, it also amuses me when Conservative supporters use this fact against him, when Conservative politics has depended upon being liberally ecconomic with the truth for as long as there’s been conservatism. The thing about Michael Moore is that, no matter how self-promoting he is, he does turn up some facts which cannot be discredited. That is why his site is linked here.
So, a lot of you seem to think that America’s motives in Iraq are pure. Some believe that the war on terror is actually about freedom. The Patriot Act has restricted freedom in America itself, so it beats me how any American could believe that Bush and Co could give a continental fuck about freedom. I have touched on this in a previous rant but this one is a little more detailed.
Here’s a list of brutal dictators who have been supported by the American government.

Emperor Bao Dai1949 - 1955
He was the French puppet emperor when France ruled Vietnam.
While the Vietminh, a Communist guerrilla group, was fighting against French rule and against Bao Dai, America actually supported Vietminh
After the Chinese Revolution of 1949, America was afraid that Vietminh would end up as a Chinese puppet, so they started supporting the unpopular Bao Dai and the French
However, the French were defeated in 1954.
The UK, the USSR and the USA agreed to split up Vietnam into North and South: the North was Communist and the South ruled by Bao Dai
America then provided protection for South Vietnam and began to provide help to the dictator
Afterwards, Bao Dai, whose corrupt and inefficient dictatorship had become an embarrassment for America, was disposed by another dictator, Ngo Dinh Diem - who America also supported.

Chiang Kai Shek China: 1928 - 1949 & Taiwan 1949 - 1975
This guy was a corrupt, vicious and brutal dictator.
Won the support of foreign powers, especially America and Britain, during the Civil War but did not gain any support of ordinary Chinese people.
Dealt brutally with protestors.
Despite all the wartime hardships he forced the peasants to pay taxes to his army

Laurent Kabila 19997 -2001
This monster took control of the Democratic Republic of the Congo in 1997 after a bloody war in which his supporters and Rwandan and Ugandan allies slaughtered tens of thousands of civilians.
In a second civil war, Kabila’s forces, like those of Rwanda, Uganda, and the Congolese rebels allied with them, have all engaged in indiscriminate attacks on civilians, extrajudicial executions, rape, and destruction of property, with the result of massive displacement of population.
During his nearly four years in power, Kabila regularly and ruthlessly violated the human rights of the Congolese people, killing, torturing, imprisoning, and causing the “disappearance” of any who he thought threatened him or his regime.
Among those who suffered most were political opponents, leaders of civil society, human rights activists, and journalists
Kabila handed out rights to exploit the vast mineral riches of the country to his commercial and military cronies (including American and western multi-national companies)
while the economy as a whole disintegrated and ordinary people lacked food, medicine, and other basic needs of life, particularly in Kinshasa and other urban areas.
He enjoyed the support of troops from his home region of Katanga, whom he in turn favored with regular pay and supplies. But other units, ordinarily left unpaid, preyed on citizens to support themselves.
International businessmen, many of them based outside the region, have milked the wealth of the Congo while their governments exert no effective pressure for peace.
In 1997 the U.N. Secretary-General sent a team to investigate war crimes committed by all parties during the first Congo war. Kabila blocked their work, but the investigators returned with enough information to conclude that combatants in the first Congo war had committed crimes against humanity and perhaps genocide.
When he died, his son came to power in a very undemocratic method. But America, as a reward for allowing American multi-national companies to undermine the Congolese people, Colin Powell (American Secretary of Foreign Affairs) invited the new young dictator for dinner as soon as he came to power!!

General Sani Abacha1993 - 1999
Banned all political activities and parties
Formed a military autocratic regime
Fired and arrested political opponents
Allowed western oil companies to exploit the nation’s resources and damage the environment
Despite international outcry, in November 1995 the Nigerian government hanged writer and dissident Ken Saro-Wiwa and eight others. Saro-Wiwa, a member of the Ogoni ethnic group of southern Nigeria whose Niger River delta land has long been exploited for its oil deposits, had brought the plight of the Ogonis to the attention of the international media.

Saro-Wiwa led protests demanding that proceeds from oil mining in the Ogoni homeland be used to help the Ogoni people, and calling on Royal Dutch/Shell Group oil corporation to clean up the environmental damage it had inflicted.

Idi Amin1971 - 1979
Followed an erratic, tyrannical, and increasingly bloody course that left the country in shambles
Killed 300,000 Ugandans during his rule
Found refuge in Saudi Arabia, a friendly state of America

Francisco Franco 1939 - 1975
Supported by some western nations in winning the Spanish Civil War
He himself was a fascist
Ordered tens of thousands of executions during and after the Civil War to guarantee his power
Although he was excluded by the United Nations, America signed with him a military assistance pact
Supported by America mainly because he was anti-Communist and managed to murder them

Augusto Pinnochet 1973 - 1990
Supported by the CIA in the military coup against the democratically and legally elected Salvador Allende
America hated Allende because he made socialist reforms and nationalized American businesses. America wanted a dictator to achieve its benefits
Allende was assassinated while he was in his Palace
Suspended the constitution, dissolved Congress, imposed strict censorship, and banned all political parties.

Embarked on a campaign of terror against leftist elements in the country.

In his regime, thousands were arrested; many were executed, tortured, or exiled, while still others languished in prison or simply “disappeared”

The army had a iron grip on the nation

Led a police state

When there was a recent debate on whether Pinnochet should be on trail for his crimes against Human Rights, America and other western nations opposed the trail with the excuse that he was too old and sick!!! If Pinnochet was an anti-American dictator, he would have been on trail even if he was paralyzed!!!

Fulgencio Batista 1940 - 1959 (two different terms)
Led a brutal and corrupt regime
Rigged the elections
Suspended the constitution for some time
His capitalist regime made the rich richer and the poor poorer
Many important sectors of the Cuban economy were owned by American businesses
Used US dollars in lavish bribes for his supporters
Turned a deaf ear to all voices of reform
Later, in the Bay of Pigs, some of his supporters along with other anti-Communists tried to invade Cuba after being trained and supported by the CIA

P.W Botha1978 - 1989
Only gave democracy to the white minority
Treated the native South Africans, who formed the majority, brutally
Refused to give independence to Namibia.

Saddam Hussein 1979 - ?
Was supported by financial and military from America, the west and the Gulf nations to fight against Iran during the Iran-Iraq War
Killed and tortured many of his political opponents
Believed to have used chemical weapons against Iran and against his own people while he was getting support from America
Ironically, when he began to fight against western interests in Kuwait, only then he began to be viewed as a tyrant
During an Uprising in 1993, America supported the opponents of Saddam, but then deliberately left them to be killed by Saddam. 250,000 people were killed. The absence of Saddam would have meant that there would be no excuse for America to remain in the Gulf .
Muammar al-Qaddafi 1969 - ?
Soon after his military coup, Qaddafi had strong anti-Communist views and as a result America supported him for a short time
The CIA helped him to assassinate an opposition group known as the “Muslim Brotherhood”
However, Qaddafi eventually pro-Soviet and anti-western and America actually stood against him
He was injured and one of his daughters were killed in 1986 during American attack when he was accused by America of causing a terrorist attack in West Germany. It was later proved that he wasn’t behind but there was no apology from America.

Husni Mubarak 1981 - ?
Egypt has long been a key country for U.S. strategy in the Middle East and will soon host some 23,000 U.S. troops for long-scheduled military exercises, Operation Bright Star. The Cairo West airbase could be an important forward-supply base for attacks on Afghanistan.
Following a resurgence of political violence in the early 1990s, the government introduced anti-terror laws giving the security and intelligence services greater powers of arrest and detention and rounded up thousands of suspects.
There are now 20,000 political prisoners who were not put on trial
Among them are individuals who were arrested as children in their early teens and who remain incarcerated as adults. Others were kept in prison though their sentences had expired.
The state also uses emergency rule to refer civilian defendants to military courts or to exceptional state security courts, in effect creating a parallel court system under direct government control.
Since 1992 hundreds of civilians have been referred to military courts. These trials, sometimes held en masse, fail to meet international fair trial standards: basic rights, such as the right to appeal, have been routinely violated, even in cases where the defendants faced and were punished with the death penalty.
These measures have been used widely against Egyptians attempting to exercise peacefully basic political rights like freedom of association or freedom of expression, as well as persons accused of committing or advocating acts of violence.
Non-governmental organizations, professional associations, the media, trade unions and political parties - all have had their work hampered by laws aimed at silencing them and increasing governmental control over their activities.
Torture in Egypt is widespread and systematic. Security forces and the police routinely torture or ill-treat detainees, particularly during interrogation. In his January 2001 report to the Commission on Human Rights, the United Nations Special Rapporteur on Torture cited thirty-two cases of death in custody, apparently as a result of torture, occurring between 1997 and 1999.
The 1992 Anti-Terror Law also criminalized non-violent political opposition, and was used to arrest and bring to trial persons not accused of committing or advocating violence but simply of alleged affiliation with the Muslim Brotherhood.

Some of these excerpts were taken from Human Rights Watch.

I’m sure that some of you will try to defend the indefensible and I look forward to hearing from those people. America can be the greatest country in the world but they need a major rethink on their foreign policy and a vast improvement on their human rights record. I have nothing against the American people - although there are some American tourists who annoy me.

I was going to do a post about how badly the “war on terror” has gone wrong - not that it was ever right - but I’ll hold off for now because me ol buddy, Bock The Robber has posted an excellent piece. Best thing to do is link to it.

Hearts & Minds

The war in Iraq is the crime of the century but Dubya and his buddies haven’t even been ordered to explain themselves. They hung Saddam and, let’s face it, where would he have been without the help and financial support of the American government. Dubya is trying to buy time at the moment, in the midst of tremendous political pressure from within and without his own party. It’s time to impeach him and make him answer for his crimes. The same goes for his entire cabinet, Donald Rumsfeld and the insipid Mr Wolfowitz. It’s time for America to show the rest of the world that they will not tolerate maniacal political criminals. Will it happen? No. It won’t happen and Dubya will be allowed to see out his term without being made to leave in disgrace. Disgrace isn’t good enough for him. His crimes should be recognised as such and carry with them a custodial sentence.
Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. So power is bad enough, but add a healthy level of paranoia into the mix and you’ve got trouble. Successive American governments have harvested fear in the hearts and minds of the American public. Fear keeps lunatics in the Whitehouse. Fear lets an idiot send the most powerful army in the world invade and destroy a nation. It’s high time that America faced its fears and end the reign of their worst ever president.

A term of abuse should be a random expression of one’s contempt for another. “Fucking prick” works well on some levels but it doesn’t contain sufficient ire. I could go for “insufferable fucking idiot” but it just doesn’t sufficiently communicate your disgust of the person in question. I need your help on this. Please use the comments section when you have read this post and help me out. I’ll give you some details about the pathetic swine of whom I speak. Just let go. Vent. No amount of obfuscated profanity will be considered needless. Now, I have received some choice insults from the Celia Holman Lee supporters but I’m not looking for the kind of insult one child would level at another. I’m looking for a really juicy string of abuse that could describe the people behind Pro-test.
Right, self-appointed intellectuals are rarely all that intellectual. They pontificate, wax lyrical and spew on all manner of subjects from the standpoint of superiority. I don’t subscribe to that ethos, nor do I consider myself intellectual. I am a simple pirate who likes to rant about things that piss me off or fill me with joy - although posts on the latter are pretty thin on the ground. Anyway, I digress. I ignore most self-appointed intellectuals and generally consign their dross to a dusty box in my memory that is only ever opened in case of emergency. There are others who subscribe to an opinion for self-promotion. These people will generally pick an unpopular stance. This is designed to garner as much public outcry as possible so that they themselves are promoted. In reality, these people don’t give a fuck about the cause they promote. The only cause they serve is their own egotism. Now these people really fucking piss me off.
One such pathetic fucking twat - (y’see, not good enough) - is Laurie Pycroft. This guy is a seventeen-year-old nut-sack who has formed a pathetic little band of fascists called Pro-test. This imaginatively titled group are protesting against animal-rights activists. These little fucking morons are promoting the construction of a lab in Oxford, which will perform tests on animals. Their argument is that animal testing saves lives. They don’t speak of the torture to which some animals are subjected. They also fail to mention that, if you are pro-animal testing, you must also support the use of animal testing to test perfume. Is that necessary? I’m not going to go down the road of listing the reasons why animal testing is, not only wrong, but unnecessary. Man steamrolls over anything to improve our quality of life. We seem to forget that we only share this planet. We don’t own it. Anyway, Laurie and his gang of limp, wet maggots have really garnered a lot of support. They are the type of people who still thing ironic tea-mugs are funny. I just bet that at least one of them has a mug with “Sex God” or “The World’s Greatest Lover” on it. These people need to get laid. They are middle-class tosspots who probably wank to pictures of Christina Aguillera. Pathetic people who feel that they are so intellectually far ahead of the rest of us that our arguments are now redundant.
Y’see, I’m still not getting across just how pathetic these people are. I really need your help on this. If we direct enough negativity towards them, they might suffer a cataclysmic acne ulceration of something. The problem with animal rights people is that they go way too far. Pycroft has received death threats. Don’t threaten to kill him. That’s exactly what he wants you to do so that he can get his press officer - a similarly foppy-haired twat who can probably quote the entire script of Star Wars verbatim - to go to the press with these threats, thus raising Pycroft’s profile. He’s a teenage wanker, for fuck’s sake. Don’t threaten him. Threaten his gameboy if you like but don’t send death threats. There’s nothing more pathetic than someone who gives death threats. Ok, Laurie Pycroft and his team of spotty-faced knob stranglers are more pathetic but not by much.
Look, Laurie Pycroft couldn’t give a fuck about animal testing. He couldn’t give a fuck about protesting. All Laurie Pycroft gives a fuck about is Laurie Pycroft. The only thing that Laurie Pycroft wants to promote is Laurie Pycroft. Kill him and you give us the world’s first spotty, foppy-haired martyr. They’ll probably sacrifice a puppy at his funeral. Fuck him. Ignore the little twat and he’ll go away like any other annoying teenager. Here’s a picture of him:

Where’s Dumbledor in that picture and why didn’t he just yell, “Aparecium” and make the Lab appear. Look at him. If you don’t like him, don’t threaten to kill him. He has to live the rest of his life looking like that. Surely threatening to protect and preserve him is a more severe punishment. He looks like a kind of failed Goth. Look at him and think of a suitable term of abuse for him. His accent is typical British middle-class and, since he speaks so much shit, you might start there. Just use the comments section of this post as a blank canvass for your ire. Let loose your dark side and spew forth the most spectacular profanity you can. I don’t just want to hear your favourite term of abuse; I want to hear that special little term you have kept back for a special occasion. You may have that tirade that you’ve been working on but haven’t tried. Well here’s your opportunity to give it a run out. Remember that I have to approve comments on this site, which I always do, so you may not see your comment immediately but I will look in regularly so don’t worry. I have to moderate because of a couple of knuckle-dragging idiots who like to leave racist rubbish in the comments section. These are immediately deleted so you needn’t worry about your masterpiece being placed beside that swill.
I’ll even help you start. Just copy and paste - Laurie Pycroft is… - into the comments section and follow it with your best abuse. You don’t have to leave your real name. Why not try using the name of a crap eighties actor. Something like Ted Shackleford.

Yeah yeah, I know everybody’s gone on about this but I found the below ad on you tube and just had to share it with you.
What they’re basically saying is that, when all the people on Earth can trust eachother, there will be peace on Earth. WOW!!! Tom fucking Cruise has paid endless millions to these fuckers and that is the conclusion they come to? Well, like Wayne LaPierre, Tom Cruise is an idiot. The same goes for John Travolta, Juliet Lewis and all the other fucking idiot Scientologists. I wonder if the COS has an NRA wing…
The funny thing about this ad is the word “trust.” This message comes from a cult that is so secretive that you must sign a contract in order to become a member. Funny how they ask you to trust them when they don’t trust their own cult enough to make details of it known. Maybe they’re promoting blind trust because truly only the blindingly trusting or the stupidly wealthy can afford to let go and let Tom.
There is documented proof that they actively sought out celebrities to join their cult in the eighties so as to lend it some credence. They, of course deny this but, if they don’t actively promote celebrity membership, why then do they have a “Celebrity Centre”?
Ok, before I get into all that, let’s take a brief look at what is behind this cult. In other words, let’s take a look at how idiotic Scientologists really are.
75 million years ago, there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu who was in charge of 76 planets in our sector of the galaxy, including planet Earth, whose name at that time was Teegeeack. Now Xenu was a nasty little fucker and, when he realised that each one of his planets was overpopulated to the tune of around 178 billion - whooeee - he decided that something had to be done. What he did was freeze these people and throw them into volcanoes around the galaxy. Now Xenu was a canny ol soul and a canny ol soul was he - after all, you don’t get to be a galactic ruler without having at least a modicum of canniness. He wasn’t about to let the souls and spirits of the departed get away. No fucking way. He set up electronic traps to catch the souls and then subjected them to some kind of nastiness and so they huddled together and awaited salvation.
As luck would have it, a new race was forming on planet Earth. This was a race of fabulously stupid little fuckers called Humans. The tortured souls immediately seized upon the opportunity to invade our bodies and there they have stayed until a guy who wrote the most fucking awful science-fiction novels came along and rumbled their little scheme. These little body snatchers are called Body Thetans and we all - according to the most ridiculously crap author of our time - have about two thousand and twenty nine of them inside us.
Some credence can be lent to this because last Monday, I felt like two thousand aliens were having a fucking party in my head. I got em good and drunk and they just abuse the body they have come to inhabit.
There are eight plateaus of consciousness - (worthiness) - within the church of scientology and Tom Cruise is currently a seven. He is very close to finding out this secret message. Of course, since L Ron Hubbard - the aforementioned deliriously pathetic science-fiction author - had entrusted this information to his assistant who promptly fled the church of S and revealed all, we all know what their beliefs are. Countless court cases later and he finds himself gagged but not before he revealed all to the world. Now a person who knows that these beliefs can only be a pile of crap and still goes along and parts with hard - or otherwise in Tom’s case - earned cash is, of course, an idiot. I am dismayed to learn that Beck is a Scientologist. Well, I won’t be buying any more of his albums then. I could make coasters out of the ones I have.
The funny thing about Scientology is that you don’t actually realise you’re a Scientologist until you’ve unloaded a couple of thousand for “self-help” courses. The science used in these “audits” is dianetics. You can be approached on the street and asked to take part in a survey. When you complete the survey, some fucking idiot tells you that your life is crap but there’s help available. You pay a modest hundred quid for the initial course but that only scratches the surface. Little do you know that there’s a shower of disembodied aliens swimming around in your pancreas at the time. The audit consists of you holding two metal rods that are connected to an E-meter, which monitors stress patterns much like a polygraph does. You are asked to retell the worst periods of your life and, when you’re finished, you’re asked to tell it again and again and again. This is an old psychiatric trick. You naturally feel euphoric afterwards because you can now stop telling a story that makes you feel bad. They call it cleansing but it’s a head-shrinker’s trick. And they don’t believe in psychiatry? They also don’t believe in giving any drugs to women in childbirth because drugs are bad. The woman not only has to endure a pain that no man can imagine - that’s right, Tom, that sprained ankle you got on Mission Impossible 2 has nothing on childbirth - they are not allowed to make any noise. I wonder if Tom could restrain himself from crying out in pain if I gave him the world’s greatest kick in the bollox, followed by a series of well-placed head butts because, believe me Tom, it’s an experiment I’m more than willing to perform.
Imagine the leap of faith it must take to trust a monumentally shite author and a some people who make their living being someone else ahead of Nobel Prize winning scientists, paleanthologists, paleoanthropologists and rational thinkers. I for one am glad that they changed the name of our planet from Teabag to Earth.
Xenu: “Who be-est thou?”
“I’m Cap’n P from the planet Teabag.”
Take it from a pirate; if anything is going to put you at a disadvantage when confronted with a galactic overlord it’s telling him that you come from Teabag.
There is now a church of Scientology in Dublin. Sweet mother of Xenu! We’re fucking Irish for fuck’s sake. We may have struggled for years to see through Catholicism but we recognise a racket when we see one. I am beginning to understand why we voted fucking Fianna Fail back in.
It’s even money that Posh and Becks are the next to be roped in to Scientology. Posh flirted with Kabbalah just because she admires Madonna for fuck’s sake. Becks is joining L.A Galaxy… wait a second. Galaxy! I fucking knew it! They must have shitloads of Body Thetans. Fucking Xenu is trying to mess with Tom’s buddies. Their only hope is that they crushed a couple of them when they replaced Posh’s tits with a pair of oranges. Thetans hate oranges.
The church of Scientology doesn’t promote celebrity membership, yet they have a dedicated celebrity centre in - where else - Beverly Hills. Sorry, a little recant on your denial is required on this one. Fucking idiots. They are now a multi-billion dollar enterprise and L Ron Hubbard had provided irrefutable proof that those who can’t write and, believe me, he fucking certainly couldn’t - exploit the disenchanted and form cults. David Koresh and Charles Manson were both failed musicians. I wonder if L Ron ever got together with Jim Jones. I’m willing to bet they swapped secrets at some stage.
I found another clip on Youtube of Tom - the idiot - Cruise talking about Brooke Shields taking anti-depressants. He claims in this interview to be an expert on the history of psychiatry and he also states that there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance. I’m not sure but I don’t remember Tom even playing a doctor. The fact is that there is such a thing as a chemical imbalance. I’m just a lowly pirate but I am willing to trust scientists who have dedicated their lives to medical research over some fucking twat who prances around on Oprah’s couch. Tom Claims that Scientology helped him to get over a learning disability. Well guess what Tom? It didn’t work. You’re still spouting shit. There are those in the COS who believe that Tom will be recognised by future generations as the new Jesus. I hope that future generations are enlightened enough to see him for the twat that he is. I can’t share that Youtube clip with you because “embedding was disabled by request.” Well it’s no surprise that Tom Cruise didn’t have the courage of his inane convictions. If he had, he would have allowed people to use that clip. It’s still on Youtube, however, so go and check it out for yourself and take a look at Tom the idiot at his arrogant worst.
Trust? I wouldn’t trust a scientologist if they said water was fucking wet.
Lisa McPherson was a member of the church of scientology. She was involved in a car accident and had a massive mental breakdown as a result. She was found wandering naked and promptly taken to hospital for tests. As she had literally signed her life over to the Scientologist to the tune of a couple of hundred grand, they arrived and took her away to their hotel in Clearwater Florida. There she stayed until somebody realised that they were going to have a bit of a scandal on their hands, since they couldn’t look after her. Did they opt for the ten-minute drive to the local hospital? Nope. They drove to the nearest hospital with a Scientologist on staff, which happened to be an hour’s drive away and she died shortly thereafter. Y’see, the idiots at the COS don’t believe in medication. They don’t believe that it is possible to have a chemical imbalance. In short, they believe that the rantings of a fucking woefully terrible writer are more plausible than medical fact. Ergo; scientologist are idiots. I rest my case.

Wayne Lapierre, for those of you who don’t know, is the political mouthpiece of the NRA. In his speech below he talks about how he wants conservatism to win. If you don’t want to watch Wayne LaPierre - the idiot’s - speech below, here’s a little synopsis:
He starts his speech by stating how proud he is that there are so many college students in the room. Now, that is a dodgy thing for an NRA spokesman to say, given what keeps happening in schools and colleges all over America because of the availability of guns. The sad truth is that it will happen again but Wayne - the idiot - is glad that they’ve made it this far. Are you already beginning to see how big a fucking idiot this guy is? The other reason for welcoming the younger generation, of course, is because their presence seems to validate the antiquated second amendment.
Wayne -the idiot - then goes on to say that, to win, you have to be “more than right.” I’m wondering if he means right as opposed to wrong or “right” as opposed to humane. Anyway, Wayne’s speech is supposed to be about irrelevance. He states that the enemy of conservatism is irrelevance. His speech is then littered with biased footage and inaccuracies which, in fact, make his entire appearance at CPAC irrelevant.
By way of introducing a piece of footage of delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton being heckled, he tells the assembled misled that he is going to tell them some “eternal truths” about irrelevance.
“A politician at a hearing is a contradiction in terms.”
What? Ok, “politician” - “hearing”. “Politician” - “hearing”. “Polit…” No it fucking isn’t you fucking idiot! Ok, he is trying to point that politicians don’t hear what people are saying because they don’t listen but, since the NRA don’t either, it’s just another idiotic thing coming out of this idiot’s mouth. “American military intelligence”. Now there’s a fucking contradiction in terms, Wayne. He then goes on to show a video of Eleanor Norton being heckled by a group of NRA thugs who went to see her simply to heckle her. They weren’t from her constituency, as she clearly states. The fact that the NRA sent a group of people to heckle her means that Wayne - the idiot - has shown a piece of film that is irrelevant to his speech. Anyone can do that, Wayne. In fact, the Nazis employed similar tactics before they came to power in Germany. Well, I suppose they were ultra right wing like you, Wayne.
He also shows footage of a little old lady being roughed up by the people who called to her house to confiscate her guns. She is upset that they’re taking her little guns away and then comes into the kitchen gingerly holding a revolver. I will admit that the reaction was a little excessive but she was holding a fucking gun. She states that they punched her in the face but then displays a bruise on her forearm. It never looks like she got hit in the face in that footage but Wayne - the idiot - uses these images to discredit people who want guns removed from people’s homes.
Now, at this point, we’ve already seen Wayne - the idiot - lie and pontificate through equivocation but it gets worse. Wayne - the idiot - states that gun crime has increased in every country where guns have been outlawed. Not true, Wayne, you fucking idiot. It’s easy to make a statement to people who don’t hold a passport.
Now we get to the big fish Wayne - the idiot - wishes to fry and one of the only pieces of accurate information that the twit gives us - although, it wasn’t his intention to do so. He calls the United Nations - wait for it - “un-American”. That’s right. Think about it. By definition un-American means that one is not American. That is absolutely true of most of every member state of the United Nations except America. He states that America brought freedom to the world by defeating the Nazis. Now I’ve spoken about this before and I agree that America’s involvement in World War II was instrumental. It was vital but they did not come to Europe and beat the Germans on their own. Wayne - the idiot - like a lot of Americans, should remember that, if it wasn’t for the involvement of England, Russia and even Australia to a certain extent, the war might not have been won. The Americans made the difference, there is no denying that, but did they do it on their own? Certainly not. In any case, the veterans of that war were the bravest men in living memory. To use their memory to vindicate liberal gun laws is wrong and - Wayne, you fucking idiot - irrelevant in the sense that those men only took up arms when they were required to do so. That, Wayne - you utter fucking moron, is the kernel of the second amendment that you so freely exaggerate for your own means. It’s also pertinent to note that the five permanent members of the UN Security Council are America, Russia, China, Britain and France. These countries are also the main distributors of weapons throughout the world. These countries turn a blind eye to weapons dealers who supply smaller, poorer countries. Why don’t you go and visit some of these countries and see what your favourite little toys have done to innocent people, Wayne - you unmerciful fucking idiot?
Watch his speech if you have time. Watch the idiot equivocate and smarm his way through the pile of shit that is the speech that isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
I give you Wayne the fucking idiot.

Ok, since I started researching this whole gun-control and second amendment stuff, I’ve really kind of gone off on one. I have other things to talk about but I’m holding tough at the mo because the more I look into this debacle, the more disbelieving I become.
“Guns don’t kill people; people kill people.” I had forgotten about that little nugget until Seymour reminded me of it.
This is the mantra uttered by gun advocates and idiots - should I have even made a distinction between the two? In fact, you could take it one step further and say, “Guns don’t kill people; bullets kill people” Or you could really go off on one and say, “It’s not my fault that he wasn’t wearing kevlar.”
If you hear anybody uttering the above mantra in earnest, ask them how many people would have survived if their attacker just stood there and said “bang”?
The point is that there are a number of components necessary in the commission of a shooting. The killer squeezes the trigger, which starts a reaction whose end result is the death or injury of the person at whom you were pointing the gun at the time. All of these components lead to said injury or death; ergo: guns kill people but only if used by a person - or a monkey.
Taking the NRA mantra apart, you could actually use it against the gun advocates.
“Guns don’t kill people; people kill people”.
“Y’know, you’re absolutely right. And, since guns make it far easier for people to kill people, how about we take the fucking guns off of the people so they will find it a hell of a lot harder to kill people.”
I was going to post another video of a woman who testified at a hearing held to probe the use of assault rifles and I still might but I have held off because it is probably of more benefit to talk you through her testimony.
When this woman started her testimony, I was sure she was anti-NRA. In fact, she began her testimony by stating that she is not a member of the NRA. The story she told was a sad one. She was in a diner in Texas - it just had to be - having a spot of lunch with her parents when a lunatic drove his truck through the window, opened the door and started shooting people. The woman and her parents hid behind their table, thinking it was a robbery or a hit. It soon became clear that this was another random fucking tosser who just wanted to kill some people. When the killer turned his attention in another direction, her father decided to try and disarm the lunatic but wasn’t quick enough. The killer turned and shot him in the chest, mortally wounding him. Our heroine spotted a shattered window and pulled her mother towards it. She got out of the window and realised that her mother was still inside. The brave woman had gone to her stricken husband and the killer had executed her.
Now, at this point, I was thinking, “you tell em, girl” when, bizzarely, she made the following statement:
“I don’t blame the lunatic who shot my parents, I blame your legislation. Those guns didn’t kill my parents. They didn’t go into the diner by themselves and pull their own triggers.”
I stared incredulously at the screen as she intimated that, had she been allowed to carry an assault rifle, she might have been able to save her parents. WHAT???
I’ll tell you what would have saved your parents’ lives, baby: GUN CONTROL!! If this fucking lunatic who IS responsible for killing your parents, was not allowed to carry a gun, how the fuck would he have killed them? Is that really all this woman was thinking when she watched her parents being gunned down? “If I had an assault rifle, I could kill that fucker.”? This just proves that violence begets violence. Fucking morons. She also used the example of TV footage of a man with an assault rifle on the roof of his house during the L.A riots. So she thinks that shooting into a crowd of rioters is a good thing? For fuck’s sake!!
By the way, she also did that very annoying finger gesture that denotes inverted comas when she uttered the word “assault”. This seemed to signify that she feels that the title of this particular weapon is a misnomer. They had obviously displayed these rifles somewhere in the court because this woman kept gesturing towards them. She seemed to regard these guns as victims. I know that sounds crazy but it’s true. She seemed to have and almost emotional attachment to these weapons. She made them sound almost… cuddly. She didn’t once mention that, if the lunatic who killed her parents had had an assault rifle, she wouldn’t have been around to spout this shit.
Now I know a lot of you are saying that I’m being a bit harsh on a woman who has lost her parents but, if someone goes on record with this kind of bullshit, then they must surely expect that someone will reserve their right to a rebuttal.
Her testimony not only shows her own abject stupidity, it also shows the insipid nature of the NRA in sourcing her and using her to further their insane cause.
There is a solution. Chris Rock came up with this one. Charge people five thousand dollars per bullet. If bullets cost five thousand dollars, there would be no innocent bystanders.

“A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”

Bock The Robber already wrote about the second amendment and I wasn’t going to add anything until Seymour came back and reminded me that I kind of have to. The fact that I haven’t had a go at American foreign and domestic policy for a while in no way diminishes my hatred of either. Seymour advised me that the Democrats have said that, to use the Virginia shootings as a platform to promote stricter gun control, would be in bad taste. Well that is just fucking stupid. Why didn’t they come out and lambaste that old fucking twat Charton Heston for holding NRA rallies near to the sites of many of these atrocities. “You can take my gun when you pry it from my cold dead hands.” exclaimed the fucking miserable piece of shit. Well, Charlton, I don’t mind doing that at all as long as you don’t mind me running my cutlass through your cold, dead heart.
Why are Americans so proud of their guns? These are tools that are designed to kill and yet the more vocal Americans claim to have a direct line to God. Where in the bible does it say;
“And the lord sayeth unto Jacob, “check out my new Uzi, Jake. It’ll pack ya full of lead before you get the chance to shit your breeches.”
Only a warped psyche can equate violence with faith and turn it into faith in violence. There are still a lot of Americans who believe that the war in Iraq is about freedom. I’m not fucking joking. These people actually believe it despite all arguments to the contrary. Dubya has told them that God told him to do it. Sounds like a serial killer to me. Of course, Dubya is more prolific than most serial killers.
People seem to think that, because I wax lyrical about my hatred of George W, that I must be pro-democrat. Whilst, in an ideal world where Democrats actually practiced what they purported to believe in, I would be but they haven’t shown themselves to be anything but incompetent in recent years. What happened in Virginia was pointless but they stand as an argument against the second amendment without the need for anyone to say a word. At least to any clear thinking person they do but it will happen again. It might not happen again this year but it will happen. Why will it happen? Why do you fucking think!
If nobody speaks out against the second amendment because of these atrocities then when is the right time? I find it unbelievable that anyone who has been elected into office would say something as utterly, mind-numbingly stupid as, “using the Virginia Tech shootings as a rallying point for gun control is showing a deep lack of respect.”
These people died because of a criminal lack of control. Their deaths prove that the second amendment doesn’t work and should be erased from the constitution. The time of their deaths is an ideal time to speak out because, if it means that guns are no longer available to lunatics, they will not have died in vain.
I logged on to the NRA website and was greeted with a video feed from a very friendly guy called Cam. He directed me around the site in a cheery D.J voice and I found quite a bit to interest me including a blog by a guy called Wayne La Pierre, who is incensed that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales endorsed a proposal by New Jersey Senator, Frank Lautenberg, denying the right to purchase a firearm, get a Right-to-carry license or become a federally licensed firearms dealer if the person is on a “terrorism watch list. Wayne goes on to say that arbitrarily denying individuals to keep and bear firearms is tantamount to throwing the constitution out the window. Now, I’m no fan of the enabling… ahem, sorry, the Patriot Act but surely it can’t be too much of a wrench to have your guns taken away. What if they actually got it right and this individual was a terrorist? Would it be prudent to allow this lunatic to carry a gun simply because you are so precious about an out-dated and criminal piece of legislation?
There are many speeches by the old fart, Charlton Heston and, in one; he bids an impassioned farewell because he has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It’s a terrible disease but it would have been more fitting if his demise came whilst cleaning one of his many precious guns. Am I being harsh? Not really. This is a guy who chose to hold an NRA rally close to the site of the Columbine shootings shortly after there were several pairs of cold, dead, young hands delivered there by the guns he so passionately loves. The NRA is actively seeking longer jail terms for gun-related crime and, for that, they should be applauded but wouldn’t it be easier to just make the guns more inaccessible. You’d have plenty of room for one thing. Old fart Heston also states that blaming guns for gun crime is like blaming a bartender for the offences committed by drunk drivers. Really, Charlton? Are you really saying that? You fucking idiot. He said this as part of his speech to Hitler youth… sorry… the young Republicans.
Here’s the thing; if you want to stop people drug dealers, legalise drugs. If you want to stop people shooting eachother, don’t give them guns. For the Irish government; if you want to stop criminals ordering killings from prison, stop them using mobile phones.
Now over to Cam. In this interview he is talking to Oleg who likes to take pictures of girls with guns. The youngest model for his calender is eleven years old. Holy shit! Over to you, Cam.

I was quietly whiling away the hours on the Thirsty Kipper earlier, when a knock came to the door of the Captain’s Quarters. I reattached my peg leg, affixed my eye patch and made my way to the door, thinking it was one of the deck hands with more rum. I was not very pleasantly surpirsed to find two Americans standing there. They were from the church of Jesus Christ. Apparently they weren’t all that happy with St Patrick’s job of bringing Christianity to these shores and wished to further bolster my ideas.
“I don’t have time for this,” croaked I.
“We just want to talk about your faith, sir,” mouthed one of them.
“Yer be on a pirate ship, or did ye mistake the jolly roger for some Halloween bunting?” snarled I, pleased at the unsettled look that befell them as they flinched back a little.
“We just want to talk to you about your faith.” snivelled one.
“Who be tellin ya that I needs any such talkin to?” spat I.
“Well…” began one of them.
“Let me asks ye a question or three,” said I. “In which part of America do ye hang ye’re hat?”
“Ah…Ah…Alabama.” Spake one of these wretched wraiths.
“Aye,” says I, “Shiver me timbers if that aint right on thar bible belt. Would I be right in saying that, when ye do indeed hang your hats, they tend to hang more to the right?”
“We didn’t come here to talk about politics.” Said one, becoming more confident the longer me cutlass stayed in its scabard.
“AAVVASSS,” yelled I, pleased to see them resume their cowering posture. “If yer wants me to talk about me faith, ye’ll surely indulge me in a little chat about ye’re political leanings.” Advised I.
“We’re young republicans and we…” Began one cowering heap.
“YYYYAARRRRR!!” interrupted I, “Hitler youth, ye be. Tells me this and tells me no more; how does it sit with yer faith when ye see innocent people being torn limb from limb simply because of yer greed for oil?”
“Sometimes it is neces…” attempted one fascist.
“DAMN YER EYES, BOY! I will tell you when I am finished, ye filthy landlubber. If tis my faith ye be worried about, save your breath. The God I believe in would not sanction such attrocities as has befallen the obstacles that the United States finds in its way. Ye should go forth and try to save the soul of George W. That be a task that will surely take generations and, by the time ye be any way close, he will burning in the very hell that you currently wish for me. Save yourselves.” said I, before slamming the door on them.
Some people never learn. On another day, I might have put them to the sword.