Captain Purplehead

Just an update on the last post. The creater of One Blank Page, the site alluded to in the aforementioned post, has now had the good sense to shut the site down. I’m not saying that this is because of my post or the comments I left on his site but, whatever the reason, I’m glad he has seen sense.
The thing is that, properly run, this site could have been an excellent and worthwhile blog. The problem is that, once one moron gets in to your ranks, they tend to start infectiing others.
Anyhoo, I realise that I’m supposed to be winding this site down but have now been more active than I have been in a long time. I assure you, my friends, aquaintances, enemies and randrom fuckers who just happen along now and then, that I will be leaving soon. The sea and battle beckon.

This is hilarious. In fact it’s so hilarious that I actually don’t mind giving the site in questions a bit of exposure. Last week I came across a site that was basically slagging off my fellow blogger and honorary pirate, Bock The Robber. The site in question,

One Blank Page

, seems to have been set up to allow multiple contributors to post whatever they wanted about anything. To be honest, it’s an idea I quite like but there’s a major problem with doing something like that; you tend to get morons using it as a platform to utter shite about anything they want.
Ok, here’s the thing. The administrator of the site went to great lengths to express his hatred of any kind of censorship. So how is it then that yer ol Cap’n has been banned from leaving any more comments on his site - this might change if he reads this because, as it turns out, he’s quite economical with the truth.
The post that started all this “controversy” is called

Free Lessons for tossbags - Bock The Robber

and it is openly and visibly moronic from start to finish. The same moron had written a previous post about how he hates bloggers and users of Facebook, twitter and Myspace. That’s fine; you don’t actually have to like bloggers but why become a blogger to give out about bloggers? That’s beside the point, however, and I’ll get back to the point. Y’see the problem is that I wouldn’t be surprised if, like a cornered rat, the administrator of this, frankly pointless site, deletes the comments in question - even though that’s exactly the kind of behaviour he was condemning in his defence of this moronic post. The writer of the post stated incorrectly that Bock deletes comments that conflict with his own views. Even a cursory look through the comments that are on his site will reveal that this is patently untrue. Still they blew on about how it is a sin to delete anyone’s comment. I can tell you that they did have to delete one comment as it contained personal information and I applaud them for that and will not use that to lend more weight to my own argument. They were right to do this.
Here’s a brief conversation I had with Bock.

Cap’n P: Bock, me oul sagotia, I’ve come across a site that has been attacking you.
Bock: I don’t really give a fuck about that, to be honest.
Cap’n P: Damn yer eyes, Bock, let’s have some fun with these fuckers!
Bock: Look, I’ve a lot of stuff to do at the moment so I wouldn’t have the time to be bothered with that.
Cap’n P: And what if I have a bit of time to spend wiping the floor with these idiots?
Bock: Knock yourself out, Cap’n. I’ve noticed you’ve been a bit bored lately.

So I pointed the Thirsty Kipper at One Blank Page and set sail into battle. To be honest, it would have been easier to do battle with a piece of wood.

When dealing with morons, I like to start off with a lie that will bring the more shaky ones out from the rock under which they have been hiding. I started by telling them that I could see that there were multiple users from looking at their IP addresses. I was called n this lie immediately, which is fair enough I suppose.
Anyhoo, after much tooing and froing, during which I pointed out a couple of home truths, I had an idea. What if I just led them into doing a couple of things in order that their idiocy might be exposed? To be honest I didn’t really expect it to work. I noticed their policy of changing banners and had an idea. What if I forced them to change the banner at my behest? The banner that they had featured a mouth felating the name of the site. The background image of the text was a veiny penis. I took a screenshot of this but, to be honest; it’s a horrible fucking thing so I’m not going to but it up here.
I offered the following comment:
“Actually, your rather lurid and obvious banner already suggests that you’re eating your words.”
They replied thus:
“There’s 13 contributors, and we never mention the b*****.
It’s a good idea not to mention the b*****, because if you do, someone will change it and make your comment look ridiculous.”

Success, they changed the banner. I contacted Bock as it was too hilarious not to and he issued a challenge to me. He suggested that the real trick would be to get them to put it back up. Hhhmmm.
I sailed back to the Island of morons and posted again; “Do you not think that, by changing it, you look ridiculous?”
The hilariously juvenile administrator, Chris P Pancake, replied thus:
“Changing it?
I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Now came the time to get them to put the banner back up. I’ll be honest with you; I didn’t actually think they’d do it.
I countered with this:
“Yes, it appears that you have little idea what anyone is talking about. Print screen is a very handy function though. Maybe you should have employed this before Bock deleted your comments. Maybe then you’d have proof to back up your bullshit. Then again, you probably wouldn’t have the balls to show those comments anyway.”
Success seemed unlikely when he came back with this:
“Cap’n P;
I don’t know Bock or his blog, and for that reason I haven’t said anything about him. You seem convinced that I did. I’ve criticised the policy people say he has, because I have strong feelings about censorship. Personally, I’ve never left a comment on Bock’s blog. I never will.
When you came on here and began saying things about other commenters that were blatant lies, I pointed this out.
You’re the only person I ever came across who thinks that 3 + 1 = 3, and the best you can come up with now is a criticism of our beautiful b*****.

Don’t you think it’s time to call it a day?”
I wasn’t beaten yet though:
“When I have a little time to waste and when I’m not using that time to cajole idiots like yourself into exposing themselves as the juvenile morons they are, I’m going to put up a post on my own site with a picture of your original banner on it. To be fair, with the low readership you have, I doubt that there’s anyone reading this who hasn’t seen it already.
As for the act of self defence in your last comment:
“I don’t know Bock or his blog, and for that reason I haven’t said anything about him. You seem convinced that I did. I’ve criticised the policy people say he has”
Now people said the Birmingham six were terrorists but they weren’t. While I would never assume to liken your attack on Bock to those atrocities, it occurs to me that your feelings on censorship far outweigh your complete indifference towards the truth. You believe Bock did this because some other moron told you so? Please. If his comments were deleted, it would’ve been with good reason. Censorship is important, whether you like to think so or not. It stops bigoted fuckers getting their cousin-fucking beliefs in print. You haven’t read Bock’s blog, so your only grounds for attack was hearsay? That, my friend, makes you a moron. That makes you far more insipid than even the strictest censor.”
I waited and waited for what seemed like seconds and then:
“Here, I’ll put it back up, because I think you’ll like this one too.”
Un-fucking-believable!
I replied thus:
“Ha ha! That is unbelievable. Two for two, Bock!”
So, back at the beginning of the thing, their entire argument against Bock was that he deleted comments by the idiot who wrote the post. The administrator of the blog claimed to have no knowledge of Bock but was responding to beliefs held by others. His tireless defending of his fellow morons was based on his “strong” beliefs on censorship. Here are two comments that set the tone of their argument:
“Of course he can express himself whatever way he likes on his own blog, but if he’s going to delete comments that don’t love and agree with his own, why have a comment section?”
And this one:
“Which is worse, having a blog with an indefensible comments policy, or jumping in out of nowhere to defend someone’s right to have such a policy?

People take this blogging shite way too seriously.

This from someone who claimed to have no knowledge of Bock.
So this guy hates censorship and thinks that people should be allowed to say whatever they like on a site that is privately owned and paid for. Now I know this post has gone on a bit but, y’see, I am now banned from this guy’s site because I disagreed with the administrator of the site. I got banned because of the very thing these idiots were giving out about and they can see neither the irony nor the idiocy of this. It’s the only reason this post exists.
Here’s the last comment that was allowed on the post:
“I’m turning off the comments in this post because it’s sad what some people will jump on and carry on.

Am I sad for attacking Bock? Probably.

Are other people sad for jumping to his defense? I think so. He wasn’t bothered by the post, why should his readers?

Now the conversation has scewed away from the point.

I wonder how many of these comments would have been deleted else where….”
This guy obviously doesn’t think that silencing people is censorship and he’s kind of right; it’s fascism. Now he only allows comments that he likes. He’s gone from hating censorship to being Mr Censorship 2009 in one fell swoop.
What a fucking idiot! If you go back to the first link on this post, you’ll see that Mr Colin Lingus states that he had a choice, whether to close down the blog or review his comments policy. He opted not to close down the blog, which I believe was the wrong choice.

Yes, it’s true; this is my 100th rant on this site. Since last July I have been waxing lyrical on all manner of shite and now I find myself at this worrying milestone. There have been many highlights in my life this year outside of my duties on the Thirsty Kipper but the highlight of my ranting is the disposal of one Mr. Richard Shepherd and his writing web-shite. Due to the dedication of Debs and Rochelle and a few others we have now ensured that his website - worldsgreatestnovel.com - is now a dumping site for every fucking reprobate on the net with a link to dump. I recently posted as “Mematey” in his forum and he didn’t even ban me. Was it good enough for him to simply neglect the site? No. There are still twenty-one authors, whose work is still associated with Dick’s scam. My mission now is to protect these authors from being associated with the idiot spammers and perverts who now use the forum.
Providence is a funny thing. Whilst writing this, I noticed that I had a new comment on my last post. It was from the wonderful Debra, who has just informed me that the site is now gone. It has joined the choir eternal. Now that’s progress. I won’t go into the specifics of this scam as I have several other earlier posts on this subject under The World’s Greatest Nobble. Indeed, there is a link to Debra’s site on my links section so, if you’d like to learn more about Dick the idiot, feel free to take a look.
The more I think about it, the more I realise that one hundred rants in eight months isn’t all that great. It’s just over twelve rants per month, which isn’t what you’d call prolific. Still, in the words of the late Magnus Magnussen, I’ve started so I’ll finish. Will I become more prolific in the next eight months? I certainly hope not. If that were to happen, it would mean that there is even more shit that’s going to piss me off. Do I have to write solely about things that piss me off? No, but I tend to put all other considerations on the long finger.
I was recently talking to the great Bock The Robber via email and he asked me how I would describe bloggers. I said that they were kind of like super heroes. Mild mannered citizens - or in my case, wild mannered pirates - by day who assume a different identity in the virtual world to champion humour and justice and to prove that the pen is mightier than the sword. We each have unique powers. One of mine seems to be the ability to piss people off. I have had some interesting comments throughout my eight months as a blogger.
The Celia Holman Lee rant also seemed to generate some debate amongst you. I have been called everything from a twat to fuck-face to the champion of the real people over that one and I accept each moniker with gratitude. Ah tis nice that even the vacuous take time to read and comment on my work. I won’t say that I will publish every comment - there have been some stupid, racist, fucking knuckle-dragging wastes of oxygen who have made some pretty disgusting comments - but I will never refuse to publish a comment simply because it is from someone who has something less than flattering to say about me.
There are some rants that I began but didn’t finish because they bored me. One such rant was about Dublin 4 people - is there any lower form of life north of the amoeba? Dublin 4 people bore me and writing about them had a similar effect. I will say that a friend of mine was at Croke Park for the historic game against England and had the misfortune to be seated in front of a shower of Dublin 4 idiots. One was heard to shout, “Get O’Gara off!” I suppose his one hundred percent success rate from kicks that day simply wasn’t good enough for them. Another thing that seems to be unworthy of them is the Irish accent. Fucking tossers. Yes, I’m sure there are some normal people who live in Dublin 4 but they really should move so that we can clear out what’s left.
I’ve also had a go at George W Bush several times but my feelings about him have changed somewhat. I used to think that George was an evil, racist, monosyllabic moron who is only fit to run a fucking hen-house. On deeper reflection I have changed my opinion on him. He isn’t fit to run a hen house. Remiss of me, was that.
I’ve had a go at Irish celebrities and celebrity in general but I really shouldn’t waste my breath - or at least the energy it takes to type - on these idiots. If people are into that shit, it’s way too late for me to try and change their minds. You can become a celebrity by first becoming the lowest form of human shite. The Hamiltons became celebrities through being accused of sexual assault. Heather Mills is a celebrity because she is willing to whore herself for financial gain, yet still refuse to call herself a whore. In an ideal world she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on in court - yeah, I know, sorry about that.
I’ve slagged off the Irish government - or lack there of - and with good reason. You’d think it would be the easiest thing in the world to write child protection laws but they end up making it easier for amoral briefs to get their pervert clients off the hook. Here’s the thing; if you are found guilty of being a paedophile, you are sent to jail without the chance of ever seeing freedom again. We live in a world where a woman who defaulted on a €1600 Credit Union loan was sent to jail, yet a man found with over one thousand images of child pornography on his hard drive got a €1000 fine and a three month suspended sentence. That’s €1 per image and no jail time. What good news for the nasty little perverts in our society. We also gave a state funeral to a man who swindled the country out of tens of millions. Well, that’s Ireland for you. You can’t say our governments aren’t consistent. They’ve been consistently bad since the formation of the state.
Animal cruelty is another atrocity that has never been dealt with in this country. If you have a pet, they’re always glad to see you. We seem to have a habit in this country of ignoring the innocent victims and celebrating the guilty. Fucking pathetic, if you ask me.
So, one hundred fucking rants. No big deal really. Another highlight, though, was being nominated for an award for one of my rants. I didn’t make the shortlist but it is great to have been nominated and thank you to whoever nominated me. I heard that the awards party was a great success and I hope to dock the Thirsty Kipper in Dublin next year and join you.
In closing, and before I go on to my one hundred and first rant, I’d like to say to those of you have commented that it’s easy for me to rant, since I have the forum in which to do it; go and get yourself a page. It’s free, it’s easy and it’s the best therapy I know.
Well, I’m off to down a few kegs of rum in honour of this milestone. Ah fuck it, any excuse will do.
Take care and a YYYYYAAAAAAARRRRRRR to each and every one of you.

Just a quick post to wish you all a happy new year. The Thirsty Kipper is docked and I will be seeing in the new year with me foine wench and me crew. The rum has been… ahem… appropriated and the decks are scrubbed. I have had many things to give out about this year and it is my firm hope that 2007 holds far less to complain about. I have also had many things that made me smile. In Bloggage, I firmly recommend Bock The Robber - a fellow Limerick man and a foine blogger if ever there was one. Check out his Scientology blog and the mighty dictator one, which is one of the cleverest I have read.
In music, I loved the new Muse album but not as much as Absolution. I also loved Grant Lee Philips’ Nineteeneighties album which covers great songs of the eighties like Wave of Mutilation by the Pixies, Love My Way by the psychedelic Furs, Last night I dreamed somebody loved me by the Smiths and Boys don’t cry by the Cure.
In politics, I was heartened by the American peoples’ firm too fingers to the Republicans.
In movies, I loved The Departed, the movie based on my life starring Johnny Depp and Nacho Libre. To be honest, I saw quite a few better movies than the ones above but I cannot think of them at the moment.
In sport, I loved the Villa takeover and managerial appointment. I loved our start to the season but the transfer window can’t open soon nor wide enough. I also loved hearing Mourinho making an arse of himself.
Loved the Ryder Cup and enjoyed my time there.
In travel, I loved Venice and Rome. Italy is a secret that everyone should discover.
In Piracy, I loved our sacking of the Island of Dodgy Skull and the new GPS system I installed in the Thirsty Kipper.
I hope you all find some joy in the new year and that you don’t take it for granted. I someone makes you smile on a regular basis. I hope and wish and pray that we all find peace.
Happy New Year!!!!! YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Ashley Cole is about to become a published author. Jodie Marsh IS a published author. Jordan is a published author. All I can say is that, at least, they are getting the primates amongst us to read. If, however, you have ever thought about writing; here’s a challenge for you. http://www.bidfortheworld.com/greatestnovel.html. I’m sorry that this may not print as a link but please type it in - even to google. The challenge I give you is to rewrite your favourite scene from a movie, soap opera, comedy or George W Bush speech and submit it to the address above. This site claims that it is trying to put together the greatest novel in the world. The way they are going to do this is by getting lots of authors to submit their work before holding a vote on which one is the best. Of course, this isn’t why this site is set up at all. It has been set up by a guy called Richard Shepherd, who basically wants to make a quick buck from advertising and even selling the opening space of the novel on eBay. He tells the members of the site that he has professional editors working on all of the pieces submitted. One look at the editing and you can see that a four year old child could do a better job. I have now been banned from the forum on said website because I - in my own inimitable way - have offered an opinion that the administrator does not agree with. I encourage all of you to register on this site and launch a “bring back Cap’n P” demonstration.
There are some decent authors who are being conned by Mr. Shepherd and I just can’t let him get away with that. For your story; pick something like Ken Barlow finding a portal to another dimension in the toilet of the Rovers but make sure that you use the names of soap stars or b-movie actors for your characters. It may get selected.
Ok; here’s the thing. I submitted two stories to the above website and both were selected. One was pretty good; the other was an abomination to literature. I logged onto the forum and encountered a few people who were giving themselves great reviews and I challenged them on this. The administrator - obviously taking a leaf out of Adolph Eichmman’s book - deleted every post that alluded to any kind of unprofessional behaviour. I further challenged Mr. Shepherd on this and got myself banned. I didn’t even tell him to go fuck himself. I didn’t point out what a cheap fucking wanker I thought he was. In fact; I used no profanity at all. I simply asked pertinent questions about his rather fascist forum policies. After being banned, I requested that both my works be removed from the site. After asking me to reconsider my position and being told that I was not going to change it, Mr. Shepherd and his crew of miscreants promptly removed my work. After seeing what a total farce the site was, another author - Rochelle Moore - posted her own request to have her work removed. Her reasons for doing this were more righteous than my own. The unfavourable criticism of her work had been removed and she was furious that this had happened as she wanted an even balance to the forum. Rochelle’s post was promptly deleted but not before I got a screen print of it.
Rochelle - unlike me - is a talented and respected published author. So what’s the problem then? I hear you ask. Well there really wouldn’t have been a problem had I not checked the forum after my work had been removed. You see, Rochelle and I have been accused of cheating. Mr. Shepherd did not state that we asked for our work to be removed because we felt that his unprofessional behaviour made a mockery of every submission on his site. He told the forum that we had been kicked off the site for self promoting our work. This is a lie and I have saved his emails and the screen shots from the forum to prove it.
Now I’ve never met Mr. Shepherd but, from his petulant responses to my emails, I’m guessing he’s in his forties but with the mentality of a ten year old. I imagine he is bald, fat and pock-marked from adult acne and his idea of foreplay is about six months of begging. None of these things make him a bad person. What makes him a bad person is his insistence on taking out his short-comings, (probably premature ones too), on the people who contributed to his site. It’s one thing to control the content of a free forum but it’s quite another to lie about genuine people who removed their work because they didn’t want to be associated with an unprofessional and possibly fraudulent website. I know I’m using this forum to have a go at the idiot but, since he refuses to answer my emails, I feel I have little choice. I have reported him to four different internet watchdogs and his site’s FTP is now being closely monitored but I’d like as many of you to experience this site for yourselves as possible.
Here’s an interesting thing. Years ago the workers in a cruelly run factory staged a protest by throwing their clogs - which were called sabot - into the machinery, thus breaking the mechanism. That is why we now have the word, sabotage. Don’t ask me why I brought that up when I’m encouraging you all to post your stories on this site because I really don’t know. I guess I just wanted to share that little nugget with you. Should you get it into your head that I am encouraging you to do anything underhanded, I assure you I was only pointing this out as it sprang to mind and I just love sharing things like that with people.
What Mr. Shepherd is doing is tantamount to book-burning. We all know what fascism does to any society and I think that it is important that any such idiots are exposed for the Nazis they are. Mr. Shepherd asks for your entry to be 1000 words long. He aims to create the world’s greatest novel - which, presumably, will stand the test of time for a thousand years. Sort of a thousand word, thousand year Reich, if you will. The comparisons are too close to the bone to be anything but the truth. The proof is there if he needs it. I know that others wanted proof and I have passed this proof onto them. Cap’n P is nothing if not a solid citizen after all. We have allies in his camp too. I have been personally contacted by seven selected authors and I have encouraged them to keep their work in. This is advice given to me by a wonderful lady who has had fourteen shady literary agents put behind bars. She is very very interested in the goings on of Richard Shepherd, Claire Boyd and Bob Harris. They are also claiming to have over three and a half thousand hits a day. This is a statistic they give to any potential bidder for advertising space. With that many hits, you’d think they’d have more than forty two registered users. Actually it’s less than forty two because quite a few people logged on with multiple identities. A more realistic - if somewhat generous - figure would be twenty four. I think we all agree that there are too many fuckers on the internet trying to bleed a few quid at the expense of honest people. It is my opinion that this site is aiming to do just that.
In closing, I would like to offer my sincerest thanks and respect to Rochelle Moore. She is honest, she is talented and she stood up to the wanker that is Richard Shepherd when he removed posts that were less than complimentary about her work. I love her writing and she, unlike Richard Shithead, know that ignoring negative criticism leads to a provincial view of one’s work. You cannot progress in anything in life if your mistakes are not pointed out to you. There was not one offensive comment left on that website but Dick Shithead didn’t like it when people pointed out that the failings in the works involved were actually the failings of his so-called editor. Rochelle is an excellent writer and, as such, is better off distancing herself from idiots like Dick and his scams. My continued involvement in exposing Mr. Shepherd ends when he prints an apology to Rochelle Moore. I don’t even expect him to apologize to me.
The opinions expressed in this blog are my own. They are shared by others but I speak only for myself. My comments are borne of my bad experience on a badly run website and the physical evidence that I have. Anybody who wishes to share their views on this are entitled to do so in the comments section. I neither encourage nor tempt anyone to jump on my bandwagon. I speak for myself and - in that spirit - hey Dick; you’re a fucking twat who has dangerously underestimated the power of others to use your medium against you. This is just the beginning.