Captain Purplehead

For fuck’s sake! I mean, holy fucking Janis on a fucking trike! I head off for a few weeks and the whole planet goes to hell in a handbasket! Banks are fucked but there’s been no better time to be a bank executive. Like the Irish one who bought 250,000 shares of his own bank two days before the government made a bail out payment, meaning that he pocketed a cool twelve million. In the true Irish tradition of either protecting our criminals or voting them into government, the crime not only went unpunished but wasn’t even recognised as a crime. So insider trading is no longer a crime?
I’ve loads to rant about; the presidential and vice presidential debates - the word “debate” is used really loosely these days, The global recession, RTE’s continuing spiral towards the bottom of the bottom of the barrel, being billed for services I’ve already paid for. The list is fucking endless so I’m going to start with something harmless.
Ok, I’ve just returned from Venice, which I heartily endorse to anyone looking to head off for a few days. Brilliant people - for the most part, delicious food, gorgeous women - and, according to Mrs P, tasty men also - great nightlife and a place so steeped in history and culture, you just can’t help going around the place in a constant state of awe. So, enough of the travel log.
Whilst sitting watching Italian TV, I saw an add for a fragrance by David and Victoria Beckham. I think it’s called intimate or intimacy or something. I’m sorry but is it just me or does Victoria Beckham look like a pencil with a pair of earplugs stuck just below the top and, as such, one of the least attractive women this side of Margaret fucking Thatcher? Don’t get me wrong; I don’t blame the celebrities for releasing these fucking perfumes, I blame the idiots who buy them? Fucking morons. P-Diddly, duddley, dopey, dunky - oh, whatever the fuck his name is this week - has a variety of scents on the market. You can smell like a fucking moron in several different ways with his brand of toilet water. You can smell like Jennifer Lopez. Sorry, she’s - J-Lo now, she’s no longer just Jenny from the block who used to have a little now she’s got a lot but she’s still she’s still Jenny from the block. Yes, her refusal to recognise words of more than one syllable led her to renaming herself J-Lo. She has a fragrance on the market so morons can smell like her detestable self. Yes, apparently if you want to smell like a fucking talentless parasite whose only distinguishing talent is not constantly falling over under the weight of her big fucking arse, you can spend your hard-earned on money on some crap to which she has lent her name.
Christina Aguilera has a fragrance out. I don’t know what it’s called but you’re a moron if you bought it.
Ok, so here are some well known people who, to my knowledge, haven’t put their own brand of perfume on the market with some interesting ways to advertise them. If you have any ideas, feel free to add them.

Bring out the killer inside. Smell like blood, putrified meat and bullshit with Pong of Palin.

Confused, stupid and dangerous? Delve into the known unknown knowns of the soulless. Buy Reek of Rumsfeld.

Blair For the man who wants to be a lapdog.

Look like shit, talk like shit, smell like Cowan.

You’re mean, you’re nasty, you like to kill people and fuck your relatives. You’re a cunt so why not smell like Bush.

Isaac Hayes has died. I would have been more bothered about this had he not been allowed to fall from grace by his chosen religion; Scientology. His fame rivalled Stevie Wonder and Al Green in 70s and, though not as talented, became the epitome of cool in his day.
He reached a brand new audience as the voice of chef in South Park but was forced to leave the show by the morons in the church of scientology because they slagged off Tom Cruise - Mom, Tom Cruise won’t come out of the closet”. Classic episode. They killed him off in style by taking a major swipe at the church of Scientology but made the point that they didn’t love him because of his beliefs but simply because he had become a friend and because he was Isaac Hayes.
Obvioulsy not the most intelligent man on the planet, he will nonetheless be missed. He was a ready made legend.

Is anyone else just completely fucking fed up of celebrities telling us what to do? I mean, Tom Cruise is a fucking expert on everything. Did he give up a promising career as an historian in order to pursue a career in movies? No he fucking didn’t. He was a paper boy before failing to become a priest and now he’s still the same fucking moron he has always been.

Here’s some of the things that Tom the moron has uttered about his beloved corrupt scam/religion; scientology.
“I have absolutely nothing against talking about my beliefs. But I do so much more. We live in a world where people are on drugs forever. Where even children get drugged. Where crimes against humanity are so extreme that most people turn away in horror and dismay. Those are the things that I care about. I don’t care what someone believes. I don’t care what nationality they are. But if someone wants to get off drugs, I can help them. If someone wants to learn how to read, I can help them. If someone doesn’t want to be a criminal anymore, I can give them tools that can better their life. You have no idea how many people want to know what Scientology is.”
Where the fuck is his cape?
“I’m a helper. For instance, I myself have helped hundreds of people get off drugs. In Scientology, we have the only successful drug rehabilitation program in the world. It’s called Narconon. “
Where the fuck is his halo?
“Who are those people that say those things [about Scientology’s alleged heavy-handed recruitment tactics, steep membership fees, etc.]? Because I promise you, it isnt everybody. But I look at those people and I say, ‘Bring it. I’m a Scientologist, man. What do you want to know?’ I don’t mind answering questions”
Where the fuck is his Phd?
“I don’t believe in fate. I believe that you make your own fate. That’s what I personally believe, but if we were in a situation where we had precognitives that were able to predict the future–I think it’s pretty cool.”
Where the fuck is his medication?
“Some people, well, if they don’t like Scientology, well, then, f*** you. Really. F*** you. Period. “
Where the fuck is his brain?
Tom Cruise is now and ever shall be a fucking idiot. I’m not going to go on about the dangerous joke that is scientology again but you can read a lot about it in previous posts.
Madonna believes that the breadth of her intellect is greater than the gap between her labia and people actually listen to her. She changes beliefs more often than she changes her fucking accent. Fucking vacuous slapper. She’s not talented at anything other than keeping her finger on the pulse of fashion and manipulating the media.
“Sometimes I wake up and I forget how incredibly rich I am Oh fuck off. And stop prancing around in barely any clothes. You’re fifty for fuck’s sake. If you feel like getting your fucking keks off, sign up to a fucking MILF site.
Don’t get me fucking started on Bono. How many lives could he have saved with the money it takes him to live his extravagant lifestyle and the cost of taking somebody to court over a hat? How many times could you have clicked your fucking fingers during that one?
“My fans would be disappointed if I didn’t lead a celebrity lifestyle.”
Guess what, Bono, they wouldn’t give a continental fuck what kind of lifestyle you lead.
Britney Spears even told her fans that they should trust George W. Bush!. Of course, she did think he was one of the Telletubbies at the time.
Johnny Lydon recently stated that people only become Jazz musicians when they have no musical talent. Ahem, Johnny, I liked the Pistols and I liked PIL but you never had any fucking talent. In fact, wasn’t having no talent a prerequesite of being in the Sex Pistols?
All celebrities - with the possible exception of Cliff Richard - seem to think that they invented sex. The modern celebrity rarely has an unpublished thought and they invariably go on about their sex lives as some kind of nirvana that the mere mortal could never reach. I’m willing to bet that, despite her vast experience, Madonna was crap in bed after she became famous. I don’t want to hear about how good you think you are at fucking.
What’s next? Are we going to have celebrities commentating on sporting events? Well why not? I mean, they seem to be fucking experts on everything else!
Anyone who reads this blog will know that I’m no fan of most celebrities but I’m willing to admit that they bring joy - for some unknown reason - into some of your lives. Why can’t they just do that instead of trying to preach through their fucking holes at us?

I know loads of mothers who I used to think deserved to be given an award but have never received one. Why have they never received a mother of the year award? Well, I can only go by the qualifications of previous winners. Right, here’s what you apparently need to do to qualify for Mother of the year - the celebrity version - ok, I know you need to first become a celebrity but that’s easy these days:
First of all, you must parade around in designer maternity-wear smoking crack and drinking like a fountain. I know, I know; that’s probably going to damage your unborn child but, look, do you want to win the fucking prize or not? Right, once you’ve been seen doing all of that, book yourself into rehab and sell your story to some nonsense fucking paper like the News of the World. A discreet call to OK magazine is also essential as their brand of cutting edge journalism is just what a chain-smoking, alcoholic, junkie, moronic expectant mother who is going for the mother of the year award needs.
Ok, so what do you do when you’re not pregnant but you already have kids? Worry not, my lovelies, help is at hand. Ok, actually being a mother is a very small part of being in with a chance of winning the Mother of the Year award but there is a lot of stuff you can do. You simply must go on all-night benders with your drug-dependent husband - if he’s not already on drugs, you might try spiking his morning coffee with heroin or something - and then arrange for him to throttle you so that you can go on T.V and talk about what a fucked up marriage you have. I know you might think that’s the opposite of what you should do if you’re a mother but you haven’t a fucking chance of winning the award if you go around setting a good example for your kids. I mean what kind of mother are you? So you’ve entered the public eye and they can see what a kicked little scrubber you are. This is just the beginning. You absolutely must get your kids into rehab. At least get one of them in and just give the other one an inferiority complex. Once your kids are nice and fucked up, you invite MTV to film every fucking second of your life and turn it into a money-spinning reality show. This is just what your kids are going to need to deal with their self-esteem issues. I’ve skipped a bit ahead of myself. I almost forgot. You - and this is vital so listen up, sisters - you must have extensive plastic surgery before you start showing your private life to the world. Not only must you have this but you must advocate the benefits of plastic surgery. As a mother, you must know that you shouldn’t be teaching your kids to be happy in their own skin. Promote plastic surgery even though it only turned you from an ugly duckling into a kicked swan with bigger tits. You need to turn yourself into an arrogant self promoting fucking twat in order to win Mother of the Year. Even though, you have become the most blatant sycophant in the history of humankind, you must slag off other celebrities for being taltentless. Pot and kettle? Absolutely yes but if you’re not taking up column inches in the Sun for being an overbearing tub of fucking shit, how the fuck can you possibly hope to win Mother of the Year? I mean, cop the fuck on, sisters! You have a lot of work to do. If none of the following list applies to you, you officially have no chance of becoming celebrity Mother of the year:
Cocaine.
Heroin.
Crack.
Whisky.
Vodka.
Beer.
Wine.
Infidelity.
Double.
Penetration.
Rehab.
Arrested.
Community.
Service.
Titjob.
Plastic.
Surgery.

There are others but introducing a few of these into your life will exponentially increase you chances of selection for the singular honour of being celebrity mother of the year. It might also be a good idea to have your boyfriend/husband sleep with a couple of hookers or fellow celebrities - normally amounts to the same thing - and then sell your story to the Daily Mirror. Make sure you come across all heartbroken. A tried and tested method of keeping in the laughter is to have a convicted car thief or a drug dealer to go down on you while you’re doing the interview.
So there you have it. If it worked for Kerry Katona and Sharon Osbourne, it should work for you. Don’t bother with actually being a good mother; it’ll only hinder your chance of winning.

John Motson , the BBC commentator, will mark his last major TV appearance at the Euro 2008 final. There will be tears from his colleagues but none from me. It will be a fucking relief not to have to hear him compare every brave, team performance to the fucking English team of ‘66. It will also be a welcome change not to hear him rehash England’s 5-1 win over Germany every time Michael fucking Owen’s name is mentioned. Motty is an annoying fucking man and I won’t miss him.
“But Captain! You can’t hate Motty! Everyone loves Motty! Are you sick or something?”
I am fucking sick of this elite group of people who you are not allowed to hate. John Motson annoys the fucking shit out of me. Why can’t I exercise my right to hate John Motson? It’s like Jimmy Magee. He’s got to be one of the worst commentators in living history but, as far as criticism is concerned, he’s un-fucking-touchable.
Liverpool football club are another phenomenon. Unless you follow Everton or United, you’re not allowed to hate Liverpool. I fucking hate Liverpool and I’m an Aston Villa fan. They are one of the worst teams in the world to watch, their manager is a git and they’re owned by two clueless Americans who don’t speak to eachother. FUCK OFF, Liverpool fc!
I don’t know how these people achieve this status but I’d like to find out. Christy Moore is another one. I don’t particularly hate him but, if I did, I’d be told I’m not allowed to hate him. For fuck’s sake.
Then there’s Neil Diamond. If there is a living embodiment of cheese outside of Brian fucking Kennedy and Ronan fucking Keating, I haven’t heard of them.
“But… Cap’n!….. Y..you can’t hate Neil Diamond”
“Why not?”
“W… well because he’s Neil Diamond…”
Look! If anyone was destined to have a show starting with the words “An Evening with”, it’s Neil fucking Diamond and that’s a sure fucking sign that the man has no class. Unless you’re naming your show ironically….
I’ll bet he there already is a show called An Evening with Neil Diamond. In fact, I think I’ll google it. Hang on…………………………………………………………………..
……………………………………………………………………………….
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. Right, I can’t seem to find anything about it at the moment but the saddest thing about Neil Diamond is that the best thing I can say about him is that he hasn’t as yet had a show called An Evening With Neil Diamond. If you’re one of those people who paid a fortune to see him so you could stand there singing along to Sweet Caroline, shame on you.
Oh fucking lovely! Two people have just walked past my pc and saw the search results for An Evening With Neil Diamond. If I ever had a chance of being cool it’s well and truly fucking blown now!
In some quarters - believe it or not - it is considered heresy to besmirch the name of that French-Canadian stick insect singer, Sea lion Dying. Who are these people who listen to that banshee like waif and say she’s brilliant. Who are you people? I mean, come on, who the fuck are you!! That fucking Titanic song should be stricken from our memories. There should be a fucking law against it.
If, like me, you wish to vent on this phenomenon, feel free to do so in the comments section.

DON’T PANIC!!! There is absolutely no need to panic anymore because we are saved. Criminals can now be rehabilitated, people with mental illnesses can be cured and we can all basically sleep safely in our beds again. War will be a thing of the past, poverty won’t exist and music will once again be of a high standard.
“Surely you jest, Cap’n” I hear you cry. I jest not, my friends. I can tell you that we have a group of people who can solve everything. I know this because Tom Cruise said so and, let’s face it, how could we doubt the little fucker? Small of stature, small of mind is our Tom. Yes, he has been at it again.
The tiny toerag has informed us that it is a privilege to be called a scientologist and it’s something you earn. The shite author who spawned this insane cult - L Ron Hubbard - is lovingly referred to as LRH. It’s kind of like HRH but without the incest - or maybe with it, who knows.
Yes the fun sized fraudster has been jizzing all over the place about scientology and, such is the integrity and backbone of the cult, they have launched an expensive campaign to get his interview stricken from the internet and any other medium through which his inane ramblings can be heard. They failed in their bid to a large degree, although it is still difficult to get the interview in its entirety.
Mr Cruise states that it is the duty of every scientologist to stop when they see an accident because they’re the “only” ones who can help.
“Shit, this guy’s airway is obstructed. Call a paramedic! If this guy doesn’t get an emergency tracheotomy, he’s going to die. Damn it all to hell, people, at least give me a pen. I can give it a shot. I’ve seen it in a movie once…”
“Stop! Don’t call a paramedic, there’s Tom fucking Cruise. He’ll know what to do. He’s a fucking actor for fuck’s sake. He’s bound to have simulated an emergency tracheotomy or two in his time. Help us Tom.”
“Be still my child. Yes, I am Tom Cruise and, not only have I simulated everything from masturbation to tracheotomies on film, I’m also a scientologist and we know fucking everything. For instance, I happen to know that you’re name is Richard, you’re a Libran, you’re favourite colour is yellow and you’re favourite actor is me.”
“Well my name’s actually Linda and the colour yellow hurts my eyes but that’s not important right now. Can you help this man?”
“While I’ve been talking to you, I’ve been sucking tiny aliens out of his body with the immense power of my mind.”
“I think he’s stopped breathing.”
“Nonsense. You just haven’t grasped mortality on the same level as I have.”

Ok, for fuck’s sake, will someone sedate this idiot and get him some professional help? When you watch the clip below, you will realise that he isn’t simply an idiot. He’s lost the fucking plot. He now thinks he’s the fucking Messiah. Next thing you know you’ll see Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson wearing robes and chanting at us. It’s funny that none of the “help” that Tom has dedicated himself to inflicting on us involves him parting with his vast fortune. Hey Tom, if you really want to fucking help, why not pay my fucking mortgage, you fucking idiot.
Listen, if I’m in an accident, I expressly forbid a fucking scientologist to come anywhere fucking near me. If I’m in pain, I want fucking painkillers and scientologists don’t believe in painkillers so please stay the fuck away from me.

They can rehabilitate criminals. Really? Well why the fuck aren’t you doing it then? Why is half the world at war while the rest of it starves to death? Well? Tom? You fucking moron. If you don’t believe you’re a moron, here’s a couple of reasons why. Firstly; you base your life on the ramblings of a really really really awfully fucking bad author called L. Ron Hubbard and secondly; watch your own interview. Do you actually know what you’re talking about? Will someone please count to three, click their fingers and wake this fucking dickhead from his lifelong hypnotic fugue. FUCK!!! He actually thinks he’s the saviour. He reminds me of another diminutive loser who was given way too much respect back in thirties Germany.

You might wonder what the little fucker is talking about when he extols the virues of “KSW”. It stands for Keep Scientology Working - fucking clever or what. Well it actually goes a little deeper. It means that no scientologist can dispute the word of Hubbard. If they do, they are forced to restudy it until the “misunderstanding” has been resolved. DICTATORSHIP!!! Believe me, if I was forced to read and reread L Ron Hubbard, I’d tell you anything you wanted to hear. I mean that sounds like a truly hideous torture.

Most of us have seen through every other religion - except my own cult who worship Herpes The Wonder Horse - so what makes Tom think we’re going to buy into the “word of Hubbard”? He was a fucking criminally bad author.

Here’s the thing. Scientologists believe that there is no such thing as mental illness. LOOK AT TOM CRUISE BELOW!! HE IS NOW THE POSTER CHILD FOR INSANITY!!!

*I had to change the video because the morons of scientology have made Youtube take this one down. You’d think that a message as seemingly powerful as Tom’s wouldn’t be something they’d want to hide but there you go. This is a Sky News piece on little Tom’s outburst.

See the full tirade HERE Thanks to Bock The Robber for the link.
By the by, when you hear Tom going on about “SPs”, that stands for Suppressive Persons. These are people who disagree vociferously with the loony cult of scientology. Tom, similar to various Nazis, states that he looks forward to a time when these people are history. Remember, this video was never meant to hit the public domain and the Besmirch of Scientology has gone to great lengths to ensure that the general public couldn’t view it so this is pretty much a mission statement. Tom Thumb has also stated that he would like to “rid the world” of psychiatrists.

This is from an episode of South Park that was banned by Paramount because they hadn’t sacked Tom Cruise at the time. It is also the reason that Isaac Hayes - another stupidologist - left the show. The show was banned because of the repeated phrase, “Tom Cruise won’t come out of the closet.” I enjoy South Park. It’s not to everyone’s taste but I find myself having a bit of a chuckle at it whenever I switch it on. Sometimes the funniest moments come from the truth, hence the old adage, it’s funny cos it’s true. I’m not saying that Tom Cruise is gay. In fact, I couldn’t give a flying fuck what he’s into but the piece in this extract about the beliefs of Stupidologist is true, right down to Galactic Lord Xenu’s craft looking like commercial airliners. It’s a money making racket and that’s all it is.

Please be warned that this post contains some pretty strong profanity. I mean, it’s fucking full of fucking bad fucking language. I mean, for fuck’s sake; you need look no further than the fucking title to see profanity on this post.

I’m fucking sick sick sick sick and not a little fed up of stupid fucking celebrities whinging about their troubles. Ok, if someone gets a debilitating disease, it’s slightly different but not when you’re trouble was brought about by your own fucking stupidity! I’m sick of seeing Paris Hilton, I’m sick of hearing about Paris Hilton and I’m most definitely sick of writing rants about Paris fucking Hilton but I just had to comment on her Larry King interview.
“I spent my first days in jail lying in the foetal position crying hysterically but after I was there for a while, I realised that God makes things happen for a reason. I knew then that I had to choose a different path in life. I lived by the motto, “don’t serve the time, let the time serve you.”‘
YOU WERE IN JAIL FOR 18 FUCKING DAYS, YOU FUCKING VACUOUS FUCKING SLAPPER!! Even the most strung out alcoholic won’t have a fucking epiphany in 18 fucking days. Oh, and by the way Paris, God didn’t put you in prison; YOU AND YOUR VERY OWN FUCKING STUPIDITY PUT YOU IN FUCKING PRISON!!!
For the love and honour of fuck! Robert Downey Jnr didn’t spout anywhere near the amount of shit that Paris spouted and he did serious time and had a serious addiction. SHUT THE FUCK UP, PARIS, YOU SIMPERING FUCKING TART!!
If I hear one more fucking celebrity going on about how, “I had to find myself”, I’m going to really go off on one. Here’s how to fucking find yourself, you fucking idiot. Check out the fucking forty bedroom mansion in the fucking Hollywood Hills. That’s exactly where you’ll be. Check the big fucking bowl of fucking charlie!!! In Paris’ case; there you are on the internet, you idiot. O good fuck, what is that guy spraying on you? Oh yeah, you go off and “find yourself”, Paris. You’ll probably find yourself doing exactly what you were doing before you they took away your freedom, locked you up, ruined your life. YEAH, RUINED YOUR LIFE FOR 18 FUCKING DAYS!!!! For the love of fuck, you’d swear she was Nelson Man-fucking-dela! Maybe they should have sent her to Guantanamo Bay.
The unbelievably annoying Spice Girls are also getting in on the act. They have announced their reunion - albeit a bit lighter since half of Posh Spice seems to have fallen off since they split - and, of course they had to contribute their tuppence worth to the ol fucking bullshit meter. Sporty Spice - y’know, the kicked one - said. “We just wanted to say a proper goodbye. It just felt right for us.” No, Sporty, it’s got fuck all to do with saying goodbye, hello or scatch my fucking bollox. You are being paid a fucking mountain of money and, since none of you actually have a career outside of being a WAG or an Eddie Murphy cast-off, you have grabbed the opportunity to wring every last cent out of the Spice Girls. Stop lying to the kiddies, you fucking twats.
So, celebrities, I’m giving you fair fucking warning. NO MORE PUBLIC FUCKING EPIPHANIES UNLESS YOU HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH A TERMINAL FUCKING ILLNESS - AND I’M GOING TO WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING MEDICAL RECORDS!!
Here’s a list of no-no clichés that celebrities would do well to avoid if they want to avoid having me take a giant fucking shit on them:
It’s been an incredible journey. Only allowed if you have actually been on an incredible journey - like a visit to fucking Pluto, for instance - or you have just made a movie called, An Incredible Journey.
I really needed to find myself. I’m fucking serious about this. No fucking finding yourselves. Buy a fucking mirror, for fuck’s sake.
It really changed my life. Not on your fucking nelly, pal. Unless you have been remodelled to survive on carbon monoxide fumes, stay the fuck away from this one.
I’ll leave it at that for now. If anyone else has any clichés they want ripped from the mouths of celebrity morons, please stick them in the comments section and I’ll keep adding them to the list.
I’m off to find myelf….. a large keg of fucking rum. YYYYYAAAAAARRRRR, my heaties, YYYYAAAARRRRRRRR!!!

They are the elite. They validate our existence by allowing us to bask in their reflected glory. They give us a taste of what it’s like to be adored. Some entertain us. Some annoy us. Some are famous for having talent. Some are famous for being photographed. Some are famous for having a rich Dad. What they all have in common is this: A great celebrity is a silent celebrity.
Tom Cruise is a fucking idiot. We all know that he is because he follows a bonkers cult founded by probably the worst author ever to tap a key. Similarly John Travolta and all the other space loving, alien fearing twats from the church of scientology are all fucking blithering idiots. It doesn’t stop there, however. Bono is a hypocrite, an arrogant dipshit and an all round major fucking twat. Paris Hilton is an idiot. Catherine Zeta Jones would still be giving blowjobs to miners for cider money if she wasn’t born with those English rose looks. Britney Spears is an idiot. Posh and Becks are idiots. Katie Holmes is a major idiot. Charlton Heston is a gun-toting, republican voting fucking king-sized idiot. I can only think of a handful of celebrities who have risen above the term to become something else. Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Sean Penn. These are guys who you can’t label idiots because of the volume of quality in their work. Ok, Pacino and De Niro haven’t really done anything of note in a while but their back catalogue has raised the bar considerably.
My point is, why do people adore idiots. When Brian McFatarse makes an appearence anywhere, there’s major public interest. WHY? HE’S A FUCKING IDIOT!! What has he done recently, apart from talk about what a struggle it was to dump his wife and start shagging an Aussie actress who is also an idiot. And then there’s his wife; fucking idiot who won mother of the year. FOR WHAT??? She’s a charlie-snorting, alcoholic, winging fucking numbskull who just happens to be an idiot celebrity. FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!! DO THESE FUCKING IDIOTS EVER HAVE AN UNPUBLISHED THOUGHT????
There are quality writers out there who have genuinely interesting stories to tell, yet all the publishing companies seem to want to do is wring another autobiography out of Jordan - the idiot. What kind of pathetic fucker would ever want to read about the life of a silicone slapper who is famous only for getter her tits out, finding out that she wasn’t entirely happy with them and getting them inflated so they look like fucking rocks. IDIOT!!! And then there’s her husband, Peter Andre - the fucking idiot. When is his book out. I wonder if he’ll do it in pop-up format. Fucking idiot. Of course, you can’t slag them without having a go Wayne Rooney’s missus. Fucking idiot. She is famous for going out with a Shrek lookalike who just happens to be an amazingly talented footballer. What talent does she have? Fucking none and yet we have to expect that she will release her Autobiography before she reaches 25 - if she hasn’t released one already. OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!! Wake up, Wayne.
Is it my imagination or have all of these fucking idiots overstayed their fifteen fucking minutes? Why do people insist on kowtowing to sub-mediocrity? Well that’s my tuppence worth. I’m off to watch some T.V. I’d say I’m going to enjoy it but I’ll inevitable end up watching a shower of fucking idiots.

Paris Hilton was apparently released from prison because she had a rash. Well surprise surpries. Paris Hilton has a rash? Of course she does. Probably has friction burns on her knees too. I mean, surely when you go to prison you expect to have at least one rash. For fuck’s sake. Well, justice was served and she was thrown back in with a jar of sudo-cream. Now, she is due to be released from prison on the 26th of June. How the fuck is that 45 days? I mean, I ask you. Not only this but she has been offered a ludicrous amount of money for “her story”. O FOR THE LOVE AND HONOUR OF FUCK!!!!! STOP!!! PLEASE, STOP!!! Nobody wants to hear this winging fucking numbskull’s story about her EIGHTEEN DAYS in jail. EIGHTEEN DAYS!!!! IT PROBABLY TAKES HER THAT LONG TO APPLY HER FUCKING MAKE-UP!!
Seriously, what are we coming to when we yearn to hear the story of one of the most pathetic human beings on the planet? Are we that starved of entertainment? FFFFFUUUUUCCCKKK!!!#
Anyway, just had to get that out.