Captain Purplehead

Oh don’t break out the ticker tape and bunting yet, there’s life in the ol Cap’n yet. No, this post is about the ridiculous trade restriction that is closing time.
If you’re going to go on about irresponsible drinking or alcoholism, you’re reading the wrong post. If you live in a country where there is no closing time, you might find this of interest anyway.
Let me start by saying that, here in Limerick, our local authority is pretty much useless. We have a Mayor who insists on embarrassing himself – and, by association, us – every time someone sticks a microphone in his face. We have a small criminal element, that cheap, tabloid journalists like Donal McIntyre and others seem to think is the sum total of our city. All of this means that it has been left to individual, concerned people to make a concerted effort to put a more positive spin on things. The community that has risen to the challenge is none other than the artistic community.
I’m not going to go into everything that has been organised by them because that would be one long post but one thing that has definitely put Limerick more firmly on the map is the proliferation of original bands and venues who are prepared to run gigs for them.
Last Thursday night, there was a rich and varied choice of entertainment in Limerick. It is something we haven’t seen for a while and should have been embraced by those in authority. Unfortunately, despite the best efforts of our bars and venues, the night was to end in embarrassment as the Gards – (the Irish Police) – were sent out in force to raid pubs, shortly after closing time. It wasn’t just that they came in and cleared all the bars of law-abiding citizens who had just enjoyed a few pints and a gig; they parked their estate cars across the roads, making it look like the city was on full riot alert. In doing this, they put hundreds of people on the streets at exactly the same time. Some of them were drunk, and the combination of crowds, inebriation and youth is potentially a powder keg combination.
Ok, their argument will be that it is technically illegal to be in licensed premises after 12 o’clock, unless that premises has paid big money for an exemption. They won’t talk about how these raids have only started happening on this scale very recently. They also won’t talk about the fact that one pub doesn’t get raided because some of their colleagues like to drink there. They won’t talk about the fact that the practice of raiding pubs is archaic, ridiculous and utterly moronic. They well quote the letter of the law. In reality, it’s probably just some little dictator who is trying to make a name for himself in our police farce. They are entitled to quote the law because that law exists. My point is that it really shouldn’t.
Why do we have a closing time? It is the greatest contributor to binge drinking that we have. If a pub wants to stay open until 4 in the morning, or whenever, why shouldn’t they be allowed to? Isn’t it really just a restriction of trade? Of course, our learned government Ministers will harp on about how we need to break our drinking culture for the good of our health. Invariably, the clergy will then be asked to chime in with their tuppence worth and they’ll go on about the destruction of the family and the absence of God and other such whimsical bullshit that they aren’t qualified to spout. In the end, it’s all bullshit!
If an alcoholic is going to stay out all night boozing, you’re just not going to be able to stop them. Maybe you have a better chance of simply refusing them at the bar, rather than let them go home, where there really is no closing time. Also, if they really want to get themselves good and tanked, they can go to the pub early in the morning. Surely it’s more damaging to society to have people falling out of pubs at six in the evening, rather than six in the morning, no? I mean, how many people would stay out until six in the morning anyway? It’s really not the point, in any case.
The pub trade in Ireland is in decline because of our thoroughly pummelled ecconomy. People don’t have the disposable income they once had. This has hit an already fraught industry quite hard. A pub opens early and closes early. Traditionally, they only other option is to go to a club or a late bar, which is still only licensed up to 2am, which is a bit ridiculous, really. What about those people who wouldn’t mind a quiet pint and a chat at 1 or 2am? Where do they go? I’ll tell you where a lot of them go. They go home and sometimes they go home with their mates and drink all night anyway. Therefore, drink isn’t the problem here because you can have a house party every night of the week and never go to bed, if you so wish. The pub has to close at a time when they would probably make more money than at any other time. We like to go out at night. That’s when people go out!
The government needs a bigger tax take to pay for its own criminality and ineptitude and that of their banker buddies, yet they put archaic, nanny-state policies in the way of trade. Trade = tax revenue! Apart from the obvious revenue stream, there’s the added bonus of more employment. More bar staff, more bouncers. Cab drivers making, and spending, more money, people being generally happier because they aren’t being hounded by little country boy sergeants with a Stormin Norman complex.
These pub raids cannot possibly be of any benefit to anyone except the man who bizarrely gets the credit for them. They cause bad feeling and put way too many people on the street at exactly the same time. This is what you get in Ireland though. We get idiots placed in to positions of power they really can’t handle. You see it in every level of society in this country. We are possessed of more than our fair share of idiots, dictators, God warriors, numpties and morons in this country. Someday it will change. I doubt that I’ll be around to see it but it has to come.

The worst argument I’ve ever heard in favour of an artist is, “well look at how much money they’ve made”. It is a sad indictment of modern society that we have become so enamoured with possessions that we exclusively equate success with wealth and now we equate talent to exactly the same thing. People who think like this are fucking muppets. Sorry, that’s an insult to muppets.
If you set out solely to make a billion euro and you make a billion euro, you’ve been successful in your endeavours. If you set out to join a boyband and make lots of money and you join a boyband and make lots of money, you’re a success but that does not mean you’re talented. Equally, if you set out to make a decent album, and you do make a decent album, you’re a success. You may not make any money on it but that doesn’t take away from the fact that you have been successful in your endeavour. Other artist set out to make an album that will sell well, and despite their success in doing so, it doesn’t always make them musically talented.
People also choose to call the things they don’t like, shit. I have a very real hatred of the guitar player Yngwie Malmsteen. I believe he has a skill, rather than a musical talent. I would never call him a shit guitar player because he knows his way around the fretboard like few others do. My problem is that, for some, the faster you play, the better guitar player you are. Music is much more than mere musical wanking though and a real musician is generous to those with whom they play and always obeys the melody. Melody is king in a decent song. That’s not just an opinion, it’s a fact. Without melody, you don’t have a song. The melody is what you engage with. You may prefer decent drum sounds or bass sounds or piano, guitar, sax, flute or fucking spoons. It doesn’t matter. If all you can hear is your favourite instrument zig-zagging all over the melody, you can’t properly engage with the song.
It’s like baking a beautiful Black Forest Gateaux and then smarming mustard, ketchup and vinegar over it and offering it to someone to eat. If you can scrape off all of the needless shit that has nothing to do with the cake, you may be able to enjoy the actual cake but the memory of all that shit taints it for you anyway.
You then come to people who understand that certain melodies and certain arrangements resonate with people on a strictly distractionary basis. In other words, if there’s a decent hook, the lyrics don’t matter at all. If it gets people dancing, the hook or the lyrics don’t really matter. This is where the likes of Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh come in. They take on people who will never be passionate about music but wouldn’t mind being famous and making a few bob. These people seldom rock the boat and, if they do, Simon and Louis can just destroy them and move on to someone else. They control what you hear on TV and radio and now they’re so tied into commerciality that you have the unheard of travesty of Paul McCartney appearing on X-Factor. If you’re on that piece of shit of a show, you get a wide audience.
It’s never about music on these shows. They give you songs that you know well and they ask poor, misguided Kim Kardashian wannabees to sing them. Even if they lose, they’ll still be mobbed for their three month career of opening chippers and hairdressers but will then invariably lapse back into oblivion.
These shows have nothing - absolutely fucking nothing - to do with music. These shows are all about making Simon Cowell wealthier. It is truly amazing that so many people buy into this show. This is the show that spawned Jedward. If you slag Jedward these days, people say, “ah can’t you leave them alone. They’re living their dream, fair play to them”. Well I’m sorry but weren’t these guys famous for having absolutely no talent? Yes, yes, that was it. They were shit. They were utterly embarrassing shit. They were also too fucking stupid to realise that they were shit so they just kept going until, Louis sold them as some sort of an act. Fuck me!
Look, music isn’t about making money. The people who make the best music are the people who got into it because of their passion for music. These are people who constantly strive and struggle and work and save to keep doing what they do because people like Simon Cowell or Louis Walsh will NEVER help them. With the amount of money those two fucking conmen have made from inflicting templated, syruppy fucking shit on the world, they should be obliged to help struggling bands.
In short, if you ever use the argument, “yeah, but look how famous they are and look how much money they’ve made”, you’re a fucking moron and should never speak again… about anything.
Here’s a guy who is utterly original. He put time, energy, talent, knowledge and passion into his craft. Yeah, he can dance across the fretboard with great speed but, when the song kicks in, listen to how he obeys the melody. Very unique talent. If this guy was to appear on X-Factor, Simon Cowell would explode in a ball of fecal matter and then reassemble himself, Terminator-like, and vote him off the show for not having mass appeal. I challenge you though to tell me this is shit.