Wrinkly Joe is Way Too Cool
I’m going to give the useless Limerick City Council a break for one post to talk about that rare being, the truly cool man. I’ve met many cool people throughout my years but few fit into the absolutely cool category.
Is Johnny Depp cool? Yes, I believe he is but he has put a lot of work into being cool and, anyone who has seen The Tourist, will know that he is more than capable of lapsing into uncoolness. Is Samuel L Jackson cool? certainly but he has a propensity for being uncool in his pursuit of coolness.
Truly cool people don’t have to try. They don’t have to cultivate the right look or the right accent. These are people who could wear anything and make it work because their look doesn’t matter. You could force them to be a presenter on Bosco or, worse again, Loose Women and their coolness would not falter. Not for a nano-second.
I was recently introduced to a truly cool person recently, goes by the name of Wrinkly Joe. Before I met Joe, I was often possessed with a random feeling of calm and gratitude that I just couldn’t place. I’d be sitting in a pub having some pointless debate with some random fucking primate, teetering on the edge of some lunatic diatribe, when suddenly a calm would pervade the entire pub. I had thought this was just the wonderful way beer has of not letting you fuck up until it’s had its way with you. Later I realised that this phenomenon occurs because Wrinkly Joe has walked in. Man, he has saved so many knuckle dragging morons from a Cap’n’s ear bashing down the years. The thing is that he doesn’t need to do anything to create this calm, it’s just him. He has no idea he has this ability and, if he did, he’d probably shrug those shoulders, give that slanted grin and just be cooler for it.
Last night, while I was attempting to be cool myself, I saw Wrinkly Joe drinking with a slightly less cool friend of mine. I can say this because my friend knows that anyone associated with Joe is doomed to be less cool. I was kind with my use of the word “slightly”. Joe just stood there, drinking pints and taking in the atmosphere. As people passed him, they became some much cooler just because they were close by. They seemed to sense it, unwittingly feed from his coolness. I had an idea that Joe was drunk but when he shook my hand, he had still not lost an ounce of coolness. He and my, hobbit by comparison, friend wandered off home and the pub became duller for his leaving.
Can you feel the coolness? If you meet Joe and you value a truly cool person, buy him a pint. Just put the pint down, thank him for choosing the same pub as you did and walk away. Arthur’s Day was cooler in Limerick than anywhere else only because Joe was there. Here’s to Wrinkly Joe!
Oh joy ! Oh bliss ! I AM COOL. As a child whenever an adult would tousle my curly head and say ‘Well Joe, what do you want to be when you grow up ?’ my immediate reply was ‘ Cool, man’.
On my never-ending path to this goal I achieved an A in Cool Male Teenager in my Leaving Cert and went on to gain an Honours degree in Coolness in Trinity College. After that I did a masters in a college in Amsterdam that was so fucking cool it didn’t have a name.
But being cool is such an ethereal thing. Sometimes you can be so cool that you’re not cool at all, but maybe you have to be cool to understand that. That is why the imprimatur of the noble Cap’n is so important to me. Godammit, I AM COOL !
And I’m not going to leave it here either. I’m going to be Ireland’s representative in the Mr. Cool Universe competition in Hawaii next year. Unfortunately this is not cheap venture so I’m going to need everyone’s help to bring this honour to our downtrodden city. No contribution is too small. Perhaps Johnny Bottleneck could reform his Glam Rock Band, ‘The Metal Mickies’, for a benefit to cover my costs.
Leave all your contributions to this noble cause behind the bar in Bourkes.
Ta
Comment by Wrinkly Joe — September 24, 2011 @ 8:52 pm