Captain Purplehead

Ok, for those of you of a delicate disposition or an intolerance of profanity, I advise you to read no further. I’m not joking. I’m about to really go off on one, so please read no further if you’re easily offended by the truth explained in a rabidly profane fashion.
Here’s a picture of some lovely lupins to distract you from the angst that lies below.

Ok, I’ve had more than fucking enough of fucking political correctness. If I want to call someone a cunt, I’m going to call that person a cunt and, whilst it’s not meant to offend women, I don’t fucking care if anyone gets offended because the modern world has become more than fucking offensive. Take, for example, the Catholic Church. They have facilitated and covered up child rape and child murder for God knows how long and people still go to fucking mass and kiss the fucking bishop’s ring - sometimes literally. Why is it that, when a parent or a stranger, a fucking teacher or a fucking uncle rapes a child, it’s called child abuse but when a priest does it, it’s called Clerical Abuse? What the fuck? Has the world gone fucking mad. In one case it’s the child being abused and in the other it’s the fucking priest? WHAT? It’s child rape! Get it? They didn’t call the children they raped nasty names and left it at that. They raped them and sometimes killed them. That is NOT clerical abuse. Clerical abuse is what will fucking happen if I’m ever let loose on those insipid, pious, perverted and utterly vile fucking scumbags. That will be abuse of fucking epic proportions.
It makes me so fucking angry that we have to walk on eggshells for fear of insulting someone or hurting someone’s feelings. FUCK THAT! Think about it. The most inane fucking law ever created was the blasphemy law. And why do we have a fucking stupid, cunt of a blasphemy bastarding law? Is it because the fucking government all got together around a campfire, sang Byrds songs and Kumbaya - or whatever it’s called - and decided we should all be nice to eachother? Not on your fucking hairy left one. It’s because everyone’s afraid of Muslims since they rioted in Denmark over a fucking cartoon. A FUCKING CARTOON! Those fucking thick cunts. I wonder what normal Muslims think of it all? I wonder to they condone suicide bombings and violence? Not a fucking chance. In fact, the blasphemy law is probably a bigger embarrassment to them than it is to anyone fucking else!
We have to fucking listen to suited fucking cunts telling us that we have to be nice to eachother. We can’t be sexist and we have to say “he or she” whenever we say anything fucking general. Example: “he or she may or may not have called her teddy bear mohammed.” What they’re really saying is that women are meek fucking idiots who can’t speak up for themselves. BOLLOX! When’s the last time you met a meek woman? I’m all for equality but I am dead fucking against stupidity! Fuck right off with that shit. I will not add one more fucking cunting bastarding sylable that I don’t want to fucking add, simply because some fucking arse-reaming bastard in a fucking suit told me to. FUCK OFF!
Ok, I’ve got myself all worked up now so I’m off for a smoke. If you feel like calling me a cunt for anything I’ve said here, please feel free, I don’t fucking care. One thing though, read the thing and recognise the context before you fucking go off on one.
For those of you who read the fucking warning at the start and still read to this point and have found yourselves offended; well, thick cunts, aren’t ye.

It’s election time here in Ireland and, yet again, the choices are woeful and the voting public is made up of too many morons for us to achieve any real change. There, I said it. Please feel free to tell any Paddy jokes you wish. We deserve it.
Why am I slagging off my own people? Well, we have an antiquated political system that leans towards those who have more financial backing than others. The very real result of this is that our governments continue to return political favours so the whole corrupt mess is perpetuated.
We have two basic parties in Ireland; Fianna Gaelfail and Labour but they are presented as three - Fianna Fail, Fine Gael and Labour. FF and FG are identical twins who don’t get on with each other and Labour has been out in the cold so long that it is of little use.
We do have some independents, a Green Party - (the “green” however, represents naivety rather than ecological concerns) - and a former political wing of a savage paramilitary organisation called Sinn Fein. With the possible exception of Labour and the Greens, every other party was forged in a fire of corruption. Sinn Fein were complicit in murder and protection rackets in Northern Ireland, while they were the political mouthpiece for the IRA, Fianna Fail basically started raping mother Ireland from its inception and Fine Gael fed on whatever throwbacks came its way. Labour kind of floundered around trying and failing to be left wing and the Green Party eventually embraced corruption after getting into bed with Fianna Fail.
Ok, I hope I haven’t lost you at this stage. To give you an example of the insipid corruption from which Fianna Fail sprung, its first leader Dev, arranged for the murder of our most passionate freedom fighter, Michael Collins. Y’see at the time, and up until very recently, our education system centred on hating the British. To illustrate this, our first leader - Dev (Eamon De Valera) - signed the book of condolence for Adolf Hitler. To illustrate the ineptitude of another leader, the much beloved Jack Lynch, he closed down timber mill around the country because he saw that we had a surplus of timber. What did he do? He sold that timber for £1 per ton and then bought it back at a couple of hundred times the price as chipboard and other timber derivatives. Sinn Fein gave voice to people who thought nothing of blowing up innocent people to make a point and Labour, well; they just kind of floundered around, trying and failing to be left wing.
John Gormley - leader of the Green Party - is now saying that he was the first to call for a unity government. Well he didn’t call too loudly because it never happened and he helped to sign away ours and many future generations in order to pay off wealthy speculators’ gambling debts.
Ok, here’s the thing. Not one of our politicians is a professional economist yet, despite the calls from leading economists that the bail out of our banks and the bondholders who gambled on us was not only folly but ridiculously and dangerously stupid, they went ahead with it and now our country is absolutely fucked. Did the opposition parties try to stop this ludicrous action? Nope, they signed it away along with our hopes and our future - we still have our dreams but they’re largely unrealistic now.
If you go to a doctor with a cold and he amputates both your arms and your legs and accidentally gouges out your eyes, you’re not going to go back to that doctor the next time you have a cold. In fact, that doctor would most likely never practice medicine again. If that doctor also harvested a kidney and sold it on the black market, he or she would go to prison. Our government got out a rusty crowbar, wrapped it in barbed wire and proceeded to arse fuck our future and our country so that they could gain a few bob yet, in full knowledge that they were painfully fucking us, the majority of Irish voters voted them back in. How’s that for masochism? Our government weren’t even really taken to court. Sure, there were many expensive tribunals which achieved nothing, but no prison sentences.
Sinn Fein supporters shout “VOTE SINN FEIN” but can’t really explain why we should.
Labour supporters shout “VOTE LABOUR - well, at least make sure we have a few ould seats” and their figures just don’t stack up.
The Green Party supporters shout “VOTE FOR WHOEVER YOU LIKE BUT GIVE US A FEW BECAUSE WE DON’T CARE WHO WE FORM A GOVERNMENT WITH! THINK ABOUT IT! JOHN GORMLEY AND ENDA KENNY! JENDA! WE’LL EVEN GO FOR CHRISTMAS No1, IF YOU LIKE”"
Fianna Fail supporters shout “LOOK, WE KNOW WE FUCKED UP BUT WE’VE CHANGED! PROMISE ” and some people will actually vote for them.
Fine Gael shout “WE’VE WON, NOW MAKE SURE THAT WE FORM A SINGLE PARTY GOVERNMENT” Now that is dangerous. We have seen coalitions collude in corruption for years, yet we want to let one party in to do whatever they like! It’s ridiculous.
What we need is a unity government who change our political system and hire professionals to deal with the economy, health, education and crime.
If you are not from Ireland, this is a pretty accurate description of the state we’re in and have been for years.

Somebody sent me a link to watch an interview with Brendan O’Carroll on the Late Late Show. Knowing they probably did this to annoy me, I watched it anyway and, sweet mother of fuck, does that guy fancy himself or what!
For those of you who don’t know who this snivelling little troll is, he is advertised as a comedian and is one of the most unfunny people in the entire world. He’s one of these cheeky fucking Dublin chappies who actually thinks that he is on the cutting edge of comedy. I’m not going to post a video because it would be tantamount to reader abuse. RTE, being RTE, sanctioned a series of his fucking horribly unfunny and frankly embarrassing show, Mrs Brown’s Boys. In this show, which he goes to great lengths to explain is inspired by cultural considerations, he plays Mrs Brown, a Dublin housewife. It’s not insulting to women, it’s insulting to anyone with an IQ above that of an amoeba. In fact, Brendan claims to be a member of MENSA! He also maintains that his show is one of the most important shows at the moment because it is putting a smile back on the faces of the Irish public! Don’t mistake a grimace of pure unadulterated fucking fury for a smile, you bald, Dublin prick!
He was, of course, interviewed by another talentless hack who is inexplicably revered within the corridors of power at RTE, Ryan Tubridy. I’m not going to go on about that fucking idiot but imagine a monkey trying to do a bad David Letterman impersonation and you’ll get the picture.
The best Irish comedy, outside of the Dail, was Father Ted. This was actually funny comedy. Y’know, the stuff that makes you laugh. RTE turned it down because they were afraid of offending the clergy. Channel 4 signed it up and it became an international success. Nice one, RTE. Really fucking swift. What they give us instead is absolute rubbish. If you visit Ireland and stay in your hotel room watching TV, you would be absolutely forgiven for thinking we are an unfunny and wildly moronic nation. This is not true, however. Irish wit is hilarious. I love it but it has rarely been showcased by our national broadcaster because they wouldn’t know comedy if it walked into a room, looking like Diane Kruger in a bikini and felated them for 48 fucking hours. They are a fucking joke that just isn’t funny.
This is a station which turns out the likes of Brendan fucking O’Carroll, the perpetually annoying and pompous Twink and the fucking transvestite, Linda give me a fucking break Martin when they run short on ideas, which is more frequent than a Charlie Sheen binge story. Fuck me, this is getting infuriating. If BBC or ITV or Channel 4 has a good show, RTE make a cheap and embarrassing copy of it.
So, please, if you are visiting these shores and have the misfortune of watching our national broadcaster, don’t hold it against the rest of us.

All of our great ideas, plans, schemes and progression seem to have hurtled us towards the edge of an abyss. Ok, so that may seem like a sweeping generalisation, and it is, but let’s just take a moment to look at the root of our problems. It’s hard to look beyond greed as the principal symptom of the disease. Some of us worship talentless, plastic puppets and we ooh and aah at their obscenely opulent lifestyle. Some people rely on these so-called celebrities for their daily dose of what they will never have. For some, it’s a brief and banal suspension of reality. For others it’s a source of their depression. For others it’s a pointless and unachievable aspiration that very often leaves them in financial ruin. For the rest of us, it’s a pathetic joke.

Devour is a good word. The western world has a habit of devouring natural resources. Oil is the big one and that’s running out. You’d think that the more we devour, the more wary we’d get but that is clearly not the case. The amount of money put into medical research is a fraction of the amount put into researching better and more efficient ways of killing each other. So, is the western world eating itself? Well judging by the state of the carcass, I’d say we tucked in quite a while ago. In Ireland, well, it’s common knowledge that we’ve a made a complete arse of things but it’s the same, pretty much, across Europe and America. The big boys don’t get eaten. They eat everyone else. In Ireland, we eat our young, elderly and infirm. We build big housing estates where honest people get stuck and criminals thrive.
Actually, look at that last sentence and ask yourself who needs to be protected in that scenario. Well, it’s the criminals that we protect because the bigger, more socially acceptable criminals recognise the needs of their own. No one protects the innocent, the honest and the victims. If you mention anything else, you’ll have a chorus of “we need to rehabilitate those poor, misguided souls”. Well, fuck off. Seriously! Just stop! They’re not misunderstood, they don’t fucking care about anyone but themselves. Anyway, we already know all that. Even the whinging little fucking “help the poor criminal” brigade know that but they can’t reprogram themselves for reality. Of course, this will happen organically as soon as they start being directly affected by criminals. They won’t be long changing to the “hang the brutes” brigade. Fucking whinging maggots!
So the west eats itself. We just get greedier. People don’t care what happens to them as long as politicians are saying it’s necessary. They can always turn on their TVs and let Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh tell them how to think. It’s pathetic but its par for the course, when you’re slowly and unbeknownst to yourself, being eaten.
Communism anyone? Nah, it doesn’t work simply because greed always gets its way.
Socialism? Give me a break. Normally these idealistic zealots, spouting socialism from the high stool are too caught up in their own egos for socialism to have any chance. In theory, yes. In practice, it has never worked.
Capitalism? Well, look where that’s got us.
Here’s the bad news. There isn’t a system that will work because people are inherently bad. I’m sorry, but it’s true. The need to adapt, develop and progress prohibits any of the aforementioned isms.
Do I have the answer? No, this is just a rant.