Yep, it’s finally happened. Yer jolly ol’ Cap’n has been put on a diet. Yes, I know that people normally agree to go on or decide to embark on such things but I’ve been put on one and I thought I might as well let you know how it’s going.
Firstly, the person who put me on this diet is my doctor. If he wasn’t a doctor he’d be a nice guy but the mere fact that you are a doctor precludes you from being a nice person because you have to be a bit of a bollox. You have to go along and say, “Hey, y’know all that stuff you love doing? Well, it’s killing you.” Fuckers!
Y’see, I didn’t go to the doctor because I was overweight or because I felt any general malaise. I went because I had hurt my back. That’s right! Give me one handful of painkillers, another handful of anti-inflammatories and I’ll be on me merry fucking way. But no! Before I knew what was happening, he had blood tests taken and he weighed me.
So it turns out that I’m two stone over weight. He weighed me at 96kg - around 15 stone. So, says I, give me the skinny - pardon the pun - what do I have to do?
Well it seems that my doctor has phoned in a bomb scare on the ol’ ticker but gave me the instructions to defuse it. Here’s what I can’t eat.
Not too bad, right? Wrong! The fucking things I love most in the world are bread and sugar. I used to have fucking sugar sandwiches for fuck’s sake! Red meat doesn’t bother me. I can do without that. I’m also supposed to cut back on potatoes. So, without further adieu, here’s how I’ve done on my first week of eating cardboard for breakfast, lentil soup for lunch and veg and fish for dinner.
Starting weight: - 96kg.
Week one breakfast: Porrige made from water and with no sugar or fruit and fibre or all bran.
Week one lunch: Soup and a banana.
Week one Dinner: A variety of vegetables and fish or chicken.
Week one Supper: A fucking rivita with a sprig of crap on it.
Week one final weight: 95.95kg.
That’s right! After a week of fucking torture I’ve lost .05 of a fucking kg!
The other thing is that I was quite enjoying being a fat git!
I’ll keep you posted on week two if I don’t wither away to nothing in the mean time, such is the alarming rate of my weight loss.