Captain Purplehead

If you look at your payslip, you’ll see a “government levy” deducted from the money you earned. This is to pay for their corrupt dealings. You’d think we’d be angry about this but we just seem to be continuing to plod along as we’ve always done because, “ah’sure”, there’s nothing we can do about it.
All the marching and protesting in the world won’t get those fuckers to change because they don’t care. That’s right. The people you elected to take care of the country could give a fuck about you, me, our heritage, our well being or anything else that doesn’t involve the expansion of their wallets.
When the next election is called, spoil your vote. We need a unity government. I’m not saying that there any of them up to the job of running a three legged race, not to mind a country but, if they’re all watching each other, then we can be reasonably assured that they’ll keep an eye on each other, which in turn should reduce the amount of corruption.
Our government are criminals. This much has been proven beyond a doubt. Our bankers are criminals. Will one of them see a day in jail? Not a fucking hope.

It’s official folks, Ireland is a fucking joke of a country. We’re a laughing stock. We’re a shambles. We’re run by criminals, which brings me quickly on to my point.
54 people were jailed last year for failing to pay their TV licence. 54 people who shouldn’t be in jail. 54 people who should be applauded for not helping RTE make the crap television that they make. 54 people who didn’t want to contribute to the likes of Pat Kenny or Gerry Ryan or Ryan Tubridy, all of whom should be jailed for impersonating a TV presenter… badly.
276 people went to jail in Ireland last year for defaulting on loan repayments. 276 people who shouldn’t be in jail. 276 people who didn’t pay a corrupt institution. We’re the only country in Europe who jail people for financial default. In other countries, you have no choice but to repay your loans and, if you figure out a way to avoid it, you fall in to the fraud category and you deserve prison if you’re caught.
10 people form the so-called Golden Circle and they have had €300 million in loans written off by Anglo Irish Bank. That’s 10 people who committed fraud by borrowing money to buy shares in Anglo Irish Bank in the knowledge that the loan would be written off. Don’t give me the line that they didn’t know. They fucking knew. Now, you might say that these people were helping out a bank that was in trouble prior to nationalisation but that’s a load of horseshit.
After nationalisation, the shares in Anglo Irish Bank were worthless. This is what we’re led to believe. However, because these brave crim… wealthy businessmen came to the rescue of the bank; a commission has been set up to assign a value to the shares. This means that we the tax payers are paying off the loans of the kind of people who can write of €30 million without losing any sleep. Yep, they - in essence - owe us €300 million. Now don’t go planning a holiday in the Seychelles just yet because that loan has been written off and, simply because we’re now going to give them back the money that they borrowed off of us and didn’t pay back. If that wasn’t cushy enough, they won’t have to pay tax on this because, technically, they’ll have made a loss - even though they made €300 million pure profit for doing nothing but breaking the law on a couple of counts including insider trading.
Ireland is a fucking joke.
We now need a unity government. Yeah, I know that Leinster house is made up of clowns and criminals but I’d prefer that they were spying on each other than allowing this corruption to go on unchecked. In times of war a unity government is formed. Are we not in a kind of war at the moment?
In summation I would like to respectfully ask that the 330 people who were jailed for loan default and failing to pay an exorbitant fee - because clowns like Gerry Ryan and Pat Kenny can refuse to take a pay cut despite the fact they are overpaid and fucking useless - receive a written apology and compensation from the government. Those 330 jail cells could be used to house… oh I don’t know… ahm… murderers, drug dealers, rapists and paedophiles. Y’know, the people to whom we’re currently giving suspended sentences. Yeah. Y’know, criminals. We should reserve at least 10 places for the Golden Circle. Surely we could put CAB on to them.
Ireland is a fucking joke. Anybody who wants to make some stupid patriotic speech about how we should be proud of our country, save your breath because you’re idiots. I’m ashamed to be Irish. Being Irish isn’t about being friendly and nice and scholarly and artistic. It’s about how much we can rip each other of for. Fucking joke.
As Bob Dylan said; “Steal a little and they throw you in Jail, steal a lot and they make you king.”

Yeah, I’m back from Rome and already wishing I was back there. The main difference between Rome and Ireland is that, while a lot of Romans spend their day trying to rip off tourists, it’s not supported by the government. In Ireland you just get ripped off; end of story. The other difference between Italy and Ireland is that the Italians are in no rush to bury their culture with steel and glass monstrosities. The fact is that, should a new building be needed, it must stay within the overall architectural flow of Rome. The employment generated by their loyalty to their heritage, architecture and by tourism itself is staggering. Every world famous monument, building or ruin you go to see is being carefully and lovingly maintained by workers. And they’re all proud of their cities. Of course it’s easy to be proud of a city like Rome but it’s refreshing to hear people talk freely about their love of their hometown.
I would heartily recommend a trip there if you’re thinking of a break. Rome bleeds pure culture. The food’s great but don’t just gingerly sit down in any old restaurant because a lot of them are big on price and low on quality. Head towards the Piazza Re di Roma and check out some of the places around Via Vercelli. Myself and my beloved wench ate, and got quite drunk - if not atrociously so - for less than fifty euro. That’s two and a half litres of the house wine, a starter, a main course, a dessert, a glass of rum and a big jug of beer to wash the whole lot down with. The following day we found a quaint little restaurant near the coliseum. We sat outside and I ordered a pizza fungi and my beloved ordered pasta carbonara. About five minutes after we sat down in the area outside the place, we realised it was beside a bus stop. The pizza tasted like a brittle hub cap and the pasta, by all accounts was tasteless and plastic. For this ordeal we had to part with forty two euro. Lesson? Don’t eat near the main tourist attractions. If anyone approaches you outside any of these attractions, just say no and they’ll normally go away. Be careful of pick pockets around the magnificent Trevi fountain but don’t let your vigilance spoil what is a thing of genuine beauty. If someone asks to borrow your finger - yes I’m serious - just say no. If that fails, just tell them to fuck off and they’ll go.
Italy is the most beautiful country I’ve ever found myself in. Yes, the people can sometimes appear arrogant but most of the Italians I’ve ever met have been welcoming and helpful. Emilio, the guy at the Hotel Re Di Roma is one of the most helpful I’ve met. He directed us to some great local places and he was quite simply passionate about his country.
Don’t take my word for it. Just go there and see it for yourself. I’ve been there before and I’ll be there again and I can’t wait for that.

What can I say? Y’know I love to give out, have a whinge, let loose and generally wax lyrical on all sorts of not piratical nonsense. I’m currently in Rome and, I have to say, quite drunk. The thing is is is is that I probably stumbled upon the best hotel in Rome. It’s 20 minutes on the Metro from the Spanish Steps and they’re close to everything. My recomendation is to see San Sebastian’s Gate and the catacombs therein but just come and experience Rome. Don’t worry about the fact that everyone is looking to rip you off; think of Leinster House at a local level. Just come and breathe in the culture. I’m seriously thinking of docking the Kipper here permanently.
Trust me, come to Rome.

Yes, our beloved national broadcaster, RTE, wishes to raise our already overpriced TV licence by a fiver. Is this because they wish to shelve the turgid shit with which they are currently bombarding us in favour of some quality programming? Not on your left nut it isn’t. This hike is to pay wages and some other shite. Gerry Ryan, that tiresome, obvious and hopelessly vacuous and arrogant Radio presenter is being paid five hundred and fifty thousand Euro a year and refuses to take a 10% pay cut. Well obviously he wouldn’t take a pay cut. I mean, how else will he buy his Arami gear and pay for expensive sunglasses to hang on his fat fucking face? Here’s an idea! Sack the useless fucking nutbag. He is owner of one of the most irksome voices in the known universe and the brain that feeds that maw is so full of self importance he can only spout shit from it. His ‘yawn’ autobiography is entitled, “Would the Real Gerry Ryan Please Stand Up.” How fucking original, Gerry. I mean how fucking unique and insightful. I’m thinking of writing a letter to RTE entitled, “Would the Annoying Gerry Ryan Please Fuck Off!” If you were to paint a picture to describe the word term Dickhead to someone, it would look exactly like Gerry fucking Ryan.
Pat Kenny earns close to nine hundred thousand a year to look like a fucking pervy uncle on the Late Late Christmas Toy Show and he has also refused to take a pay cut. Here’s the thing, lads, people are losing their meagrely paid jobs left, right and fucking centre out there so why don’t both of you ship up or ship fucking out - preferably the latter. Tell them you’ll take the pay cut on condition that they don’t up the licence fee. People go to jail for non-payment of this fee while rapists and murderers go free in the fucked up country in which we live. Fuck off Gerry and Pat and take fucking Fair City, Ryan Tubridy and RTE’s embarrassing attempts and reality TV shows with you. Eamon Dunphy and Miriam O’Callaghan have taken the pay cut without so much as whimper but they’re both vastly more intelligent people.
The ol’ Kipper is currently docked in Italy and I’m enjoying Rome at the moment. I got talking to a local and he asked me about the money those two idiots in RTE were getting. He didn’t know who they were but when I had finished describing them, he was almost as angry as I was.
Talk to you soon. Look, if they hike the licence fee, let’s actually do something about it.