Captain Purplehead

I finally bowed to pressure from a couple of friends who have sought and found sunnier climes. For some reason, they wanted to stay in regular contact with me. “Gee”, I thought, “I must be really popular.” Join Facebook, they said. And so I did and, now that I have, I realise I’m not really all that popular at all. I mean, a guy who I still think of as unpopular, has more than three times the friends that I have. Slimey Pete, the most pungent being in the known galaxy, has over five times the friends I have. SLIMEY PETE!!!!
I’ve found myself trawling through other peoples’ friends in search of someone I know so that I can beg them to be my friend. I’ve become a pathetic waste of space. I’ve tried to put a positive spin on things but it’s just not working. It seems that I’m just not that popular. I feel like I’m almost a pariah with my paltry few friends.
Oh it was great when I started this a couple of days ago. I logged on to my email account and found a load of people actually asking if they could be my friend. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I felt like I could climb mountains…. of friends. Alas, I’m just not popular enough. Facebook has made me depressed. It’s made me sad, folks. I feel all blue and stuff.

Thanks to whoever nominated me little blog for an oul award. I don’t mean to gripe but it seems to me that you only ever get an award for doing something you like. The Oscars will be upon us soon and it’s strange that some of us wish the best to people who are privileged to work in a field that offers them such financial stability. Blogging doesn’t do the same thing and, not that I’m trying to be uber-humble or anything but I’ve done nothing that merits a scrap of recognition. Thanks to anyone who voted though. It’s nice to know that I’ve given someone a reason to laugh.

Just a quick post. There’s an idiot blogger called the Irish Savant who seems to have cornered the market on idiocy. Savant means someone scholarly or learned which this moron clearly is not. I accidentally stumbled across his hate-filled, racist, xenophobic, homophobic and thoroughly moronic blog and I think that anyone reading this should just go to his site once simply to inform him that he is indeed an idiot. It’s people like him who we will have to drag kicking and screaming into the 21st century. I’m not going to include a link as its mere presence would sully even a blog as ordinary as this. Just google him and remind him that he’s an idiot. Don’t visit more than once as he really doesn’t deserve the exposure.

One would hope so. If musicians - and, by musicians, I mean people with actual musical talent - can be inspired by the recession, we could be in for something really culturally positive. The stand out track of eighties recession was undoutbtedly Ghost Town by The Specials but we also had Billy Bragg and even UB40’s wonderful One in Ten. If singer songwriters really light a fire under themselves, we could see a cultural change that could finally marginalise and possibly spell the end of people like Westlife, Britney, Ronan Keating and all the other manufactured morons who have proliferated through the last decade or so to become the undisputed cancer of modern culture.
Also remember that this is a global crisis so who knows what musical gems we might hear. Madonna can finally hang up her ill-advised leotard and fuck off back under a rock so we don’t have to hear her monumentally overrated shite.
Elton John can stop singing, although he’ll probably write a ballad about it. Artists thrive in times of trouble. They create to dull the pain of living in recession or war. Lets fucking hope that we have enough out there to start writing real music. Westlife will now probably release a cover of Ghost Town just to piss everyone off but we don’t have to buy it.

So far so good for the new administration in the Whitehouse. While George W stayed largely anonymous and on holiday during the start of his first term, Obama has started in earnest by clearing the decks of the dross of the Bush administration. Guantanamo Bay will be no more in a year. The law banning funding for abortion groups has been lifted and a rescue package for the economy should be unveiled in mid February. Are we dreaming? Is this America? It’s just that the rest of the world has spent so long waiting for Bush to nuke us, we got kind of used to slagging off America. Is it possible that we can now start being hopeful that America could get its act together?
Bush spent his first nine months has president between Camp David, his Texas ranch and the golf course. In fact it took a terrorist attack on mainland America to shake him out of his slumber. That said; the best nine months of his reign were indeed his best. When he wasn’t fucking things up, we were happy. He reacted to an attack orchestrated by a Saudi by going to war with Iraq, something he intended to do from the second he cheated his way into office. He has since mismanaged America into the mess it finds itself in.
By contrast, Obama has been open about his actions in his first few days in office. Yes, it will take a Herculean effort to repair all the damage done to America but this is a great start. No doubt some redneck nazi moron is going to try and take a pop at him but I hope with all of my being that no assassination attempt succeeds.
You never thought you’d hear ol Cap’n P speaking in a positive way about America but, while the jury is still very much out, I am encouraged.

As an era of mismanagement, murder and mayhem comes to a close; it’s time to review George W. Bush’s highlights. There were none in a political sense but the comedy flowed like the moonshine his daddy used to bottle feed him as a child. You know I’m not one to pull my punches and I have to say good riddance to this disastrous, murderous, blithering fucking idiot. There goes a man who wouldn’t know the truth if it stood up and slapped him with a wet fucking fish. You won’t be missed, you fucking moron. However, on with the comedy.

“They misunderestimated me.”

Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November, 2000

‘’I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe
and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right.”

Rome, 22 July, 2001

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee - I know it’s in Texas, probably
in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool
me - you can’t get fooled again.”

Nashville, Tennessee, 17 September, 2002

“There’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds
on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.”

Washington DC, 11 May, 2001

“I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today.
He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West
Texas girl, just like me.”

Nashville, Tennessee, 27 May, 2004

FOREIGN AFFAIRS

“For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of
the great and enduring alliances of modern times.”

Tokyo, 18 February, 2002

“The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of
Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to
terrorise himself.”

Grand Rapids, Michigan, 29 January, 2003

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never
stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and
neither do we.”

Washington DC, 5 August, 2004

“I think war is a dangerous place.”

Washington DC, 7 May, 2003

“The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the - the vast
majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will
find these people and we will bring them to justice.”

Washington DC, 27 October, 2003

“Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be
allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at
the whim of a hat.”

Washington DC, 17 September, 2004

“You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to
the war on terror.”

CBS News, Washington DC, 6 September, 2006

EDUCATION

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”

Florence, South Carolina, 11 January, 2000

“Reading is the basics for all learning.”

Reston, Virginia, 28 March, 2000

“As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public
schools, and I have met those standards.”

CNN, 30 August, 2000

“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a
literacy test.'’

Townsend, Tennessee, 21 February, 2001

ECONOMICS

“I understand small business growth. I was one.”

New York Daily News, 19 February, 2000

“It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”

Reuters, 5 May, 2000

“I do remain confident in Linda. She’ll make a fine Labour Secretary.
From what I’ve read in the press accounts, she’s perfectly qualified.”

Austin, Texas, 8 January, 2001

“First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren’t necessarily
killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn’t mean you’re
willing to kill.”

Washington DC, 19 May, 2003

HEALTHCARE

“I don’t think we need to be subliminable about the differences
between our views on prescription drugs.”

Orlando, Florida, 12 September, 2000

“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN’s
aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country.”

Poplar Bluff, Missouri, 6 September, 2004

TECHNOLOGY

“Will the highways on the internet become more few?”

Concord, New Hampshire, 29 January, 2000

“It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind
of human cloning to come out of that chamber.”

Washington DC, 10 April, 2002

“Information is moving. You know, nightly news is one way, of course,
but it’s also moving through the blogosphere and through the
Internets.”

Washington DC, 2 May, 2007

STRANGE GEORGIE

“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”

Saginaw, Michigan, 29 September, 2000

“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”

LaCrosse, Wisconsin, 18 October, 2000

“Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.”

Tucson, Arizona, 28 November, 2005

“That’s George Washington, the first president, of course. The
interesting thing about him is that I read three - three or four books
about him last year. Isn’t that interesting?”

Speaking to reporter Kai Diekmann, Washington DC, 5 May, 2006

ON GOVERNINGINGS

“I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who
brings people together.”

Bartlett, Tennessee, 18 August, 2000

“I’m the decider, and I decide what is best.”

Washington DC, 18 April, 2006

“And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never
read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, and
[Tony Blair] read it.”

On the publication of the Baker-Hamilton Report, Washington DC, 7
December, 2006

“All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone.”

San Diego, California, 25 October, 2007

“I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what
happened inside this Oval Office.”

Washington DC, 12 May, 2008

As the world breathes a sigh of relief that America’s experimentation with monkeys in the Whitehouse seems to be coming to a close, I have to say that Bush has provided us with some premier comedy. I know that’s not good for someone who holds the most powerful position in the world but that’s Georgie for ya.

I was channel surfing the other night and came across Has-been Big Brother. Will someone please fucking tell these people to fucking stop making these fucking things? I only recognised three people in the fucking thing. One was Ulrika Johnson - please Ulrika, your fifteen minutes is up. The second was Terry Christian who I only remember from the Word and haven’t seen since and then we have Latoya Jackson, who looks like a cast member from Planet of the Apes. Seriously! I mean just look at the woman. She’s famous for being the sister of Michael Jackson and for getting her kit off for playboy, which she’d never have been asked to do if she wasn’t the sister of Michael Jackson.
Look, there’s a reason why these people have agreed to go in to this fucking excuse for an entertainment show; THEY’RE FUCKING HAS-BEENS. And the reason they’re has-beens is because they never deserved to be in the public eye in the fucking first place. This shit is dumbing down the general public. It is about as entertaining as having a heart attack while two chinchillas chew your fucking nuts off. If I wanted to watch a crowd of fucking morons talking about themselves, I’d run for government. This is more nauseating than a walnut, marzipan and herpes sandwich with a side order of guano. It fucking sucks more than Paris Hilton in night vision. It has done for fucking entertainment what King Herod did for babysitting. I would prefer to have my nuts stapled to my face than watch this fucking drivel. “So just don’t watch it, Captain” I hear you say. Well, it’s not that easy. If I buy a paper, I’ll invariably have to see Latoya et al. If I turn on the radio, I’ll have to listen to some tiresome D.J like Gerry fucking Ryan talking about it - in between talking about himself. If I sit in a bar, I’ll have to hear some fucking idiot talking about it. It’s like a fucking virus. It’s fucking organic and I don’t know why. Why do people watch this shit? Why? What drives you to want to watch idiots being idiots? Surely, if you like to watch idiots being idiots that must make you some kind of …. well… idiot.

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!! Death to reality TV! Fucking useless fucking warts talking shit? How is that fucking entertainment?