Well the New Year, (or the anniversary of the invention of the calendar; which ever way you see it), is upon us. This is the time of year when everyone and their granny makes predictions for the coming year. I’ve done so before and I’m going to have another go. Okay, so I didn’t get too many right the last time but Tony Blair did postpone his resignation and George W. did continue to lose his grasp on reality but Donald Rumsfeld didn’t form a death metal band and unfortunately Ronan Keating wasn’t ordered to cease all crimes against music. Still, it was good to hope for a while. So here we go.
Liverpool will be forced to sell their entire squad to Yeovil Town due to their owners’ financial ineptitude. Yeovil will be relegated as a result.
Alex Ferguson will have his head cryogenically frozen and placed on the board at Old Trafford. Limited blood distribution will mean he will have John Delaney appointed as chairman and Steve Staunton as manager. They will lose to Yeovil Town in the play-offs in 2011.
Padraig Harrington will give up golf and start touring as a drag-artist called Molly Ringworm.
Munster will rule all.
Ronan Keating will release a cover of Garth Brookes’ When the Thunder Rolls and will be shot with balls of his own shit as punishment. He will decide to retire and manage Padraig Harrington.
Westlife will release a live album and be sued under the trade descriptions act. They will release a best of album to pay their court costs and be sued again for the same reason. Fuck off, Westlife.
Jude Law will come to the shock realisation that he’s actually not that talented. This will take a major toll on his confidence and he will start writing childrens books about a frog who learns to fly.
Tom Cruise will divorce Katy Holmes after falling head over heels in love with an up and coming artist called Molly Ringworm.
Amy Winehouse will marry Pete Doherty.
Danni Minogue will marry a cardboard cut out of herself and ask friends which one of them has more facial expressions.
That misguided idiot X-Factor yoke who destroyed Leonard Cohen’s classic will be serving in McDonalds while she waits for her call up to I’m a Moron put me back on T.V via the Jungle.
As the credit crunch really bites, governments will come to the conclusion that they will have to repossess all money made under false pretences. Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh, George W. Bush, all manufactured pop acts, people famous for being someone’s offspring, wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend or butler, reality TV stars, the entire cast of Fair City, Pat Kenny, Gerry Ryan, Ryan Tubridy, Linda Martin and many many many more morons will be forced to hand over their ill-gotten gains and work with underprivileged spider monkeys in Peru. The Peruvian society for the prevention of cruelty to spider monkeys will be up in arms about this move.
Well there’s a few for ya. If you’ve got any more, feel free to leave them in the comments section and I’ll post them if I like you.
Have a great new year. Mr Keating; if you’re reading this, please stop fucking annoying everyone. You’ve enough money made. Just shut the fuck up.