Captain Purplehead

Don’t worry, the fact that pirates have been all over the news and I haven’t commented on it yet has not passed my notice but I’ve been too busy upping my game from petty pillaging. I’ll comment soon.

No, this about a couple of well dressed fucking American idiots who happened upon my door this afternoon. They were Mormons intent on converting me and my wallet to their cause. Of course they didn’t state that as their reason for annoying me. No, they wanted a few minutes to talk to me about my faith. I asked them what deity they were sponsored by and they informed me they were Mormons. “Morons?” I asked incredulously and, without showing the least bit of disdain or insult, they corrected me.
Before they had a chance to continue, I said the following:
“Ah, so you’re the guys who believe that ancient, white skinned Israelite Indians came to America and left golden tablets, which were discovered by Joseph Smith Jnr, translated in private by magical seer stones and transformed into a book that Mark Twain himself described as chloroform in print. The same people who believe that, when Lucy Harris stole the original text; Joseph, not having a back up of the text, had to write some completely different bullshit using the excuse that the devil had caused the original to be stolen and transformed? Those Morons?”
I’m glad to say that I was greeted by blank stares from the two morons and I took this as my cue to torment them further.
“The same morons who believed that Jesus Christ himself visited America when things didn’t work out for him in Palestine. The same morons who believe that Israelite Indians built cities and had a couple of wars. The same morons who believe, not only follow the book of Moron but also the extremely racist tome called the book of Abraham, which was used to excuse your racist policies? The same morons who believe that a woman can’t really amount to anything unless she marries a moron priest? Those morons?”
They continued to stare blankly but with a slight tinge of annoyance. So I continued.
“The same morons who represent one of the highest grossing cults on the planet outside of the slightly more insane scientologists? The same morons who take two young pups barely out of puberty like you two and send them out as “elder priests” to preach the message of the morons? The same morons who send you out in expensive suits because God is a big Armani fan? Those morons?”
More blank if slightly embarrassed and self conscious stares and so I continued.
“If you are indeed the morons of whom I speak, then please feel free to fuck off and grow a brain. Here’s a little shocker for you kids; Joseph Smith was a deranged, lying piece of shit. Compared to him, Donald fucking Rumsfeld is above reproach. I mean, the rest of the world just knew that at some stage some fucking racist American shithead was going to claim that Jesus visited the good ol USA but here’s a newsflash; HE DIDN’T!”
More blank, if slightly teary stares greeted this and so I thought I’d leave my front door do the talking for me.
Let me just say this; If a scientologist were to come to your door, you’d feel justified in telling them to fuck off and stop annoying you. The Mormon faith is not all that different in its inception so I’ll let you make your own mind up. People calling to your door thinking that they can change your mind about anything are already assuming that you’re a pathetic fucking idiot. If they’re going to treat you like that, I see no reason why you can’t treat them the same way.
By the way, if I’ve inadvertently insulted any morons in this post, grow a fucking brain.