Captain Purplehead

Let me start by saying that I’m not being fattist or sizeist or weightist or any other kind of ist you care to mention. I’m simply saying that our government needs a makeover in more ways than one.
This is our minister for health:

HEALTH!!
Now, apart from her ineptitude in dealing with health fiasco after health fiasco, does this look like a healthy person to you. Yes, we all like our cheese burgers and Black Forest Gateaux but seriously, Minister for Health? Why can’t she be minister for agriculture or minister for cakes or something? Health? I would say that she consistently ignores her GP’s advice and she hasn’t put her foot in a trainer since she was in P.E class. If she had done one thing of note to revolutionise our failing health system, I’d say something for her but she has done less than nothing - and in her case that’s definitely possible. Latest polls show that Fianna Fail are being found out at last. The worrying thing is that, if Enda Kenny ever gets in, we’re well and truly fucked.

Now, here’s our Prime Minister:

Yes, that’s right, Shrek has taken over Ireland. These two hideous beasts form a ludicrous partnership in the Dail. If McDonalds ever do a fucking calendar, there’s two models for them right there. Brian looks like he was inflated as a child and no one read the instructions to find the recommended air pressure. How he became leader of a country is beyond everyone including him. He is the king of the backtrack. How can you not think the most important budget of recent times through? He’s an intelligent man who should be consulted from time to time in a back room of Leinster House but never seen or heard in public.

Our minister for health should be an intelligent and fit person. A great public speaker and someone who is experienced in dealing with the media. Hhmmmm………. Who could we give the job to? I HAVE IT!!

Sharon Ni Bheolain. Beautiful, intelligent, elegant, a brilliant speaker, fluent in Irish and fucking hell is she fit or what? You’ve got to go for it Sharon. Of course, that would mean that we may run the risk of having Mary Harney reading the news through facefulls of raw horse. Fuck it, for the good of the country, it’s worth the risk.

Ok, who could we have as Minister for Irish Land Finance? …….. I have it!!!!

Ann Doyle. Yes, she’s another newsreader but she’s intelligent, glamorous and healthy. Ok, I’m on a roll now.

Who could we slot in as Minister for Foreign Affairs? Right, this doesn’t have to be difficult. All we do is say yes to America when they want to compromise our neutrality and no to any European treaty that would make us stronger on the grounds that it might compromise our neutrality. Easy. But who would fit the bill? Hhhmmmm…… I have it!

Father Dougal McGuire. It was either him or Bibi Baskin, who is no stranger to foreign affairs but I just feel that Dougal shades it on overall qualification. In fairness, he could handle Education and probably Justice too but we won’t overload him in his first term in office. Now the cabinet is really beginning to shape up. Right, we better take care of education and justice, now that I’ve mentioned them.
Ok, for education we need someone who is happy to do absolutely nothing. This is a very important ministry so we must be careful about it. If a change were to made to our pitiful education system, it may very well cause the government to implode. But who could take up such a mantle. Who could we…. YES!!!

A rock! The EU could ask us, “How do you find your minister for education” and we could reply honestly for the first time since the formation of the state. We could say that we have a solid minister for education. We could say that our minister for education is hard but fair. Perfect.
Ok, justice is the toughest yet and I haven’t even named our prime minister yet. Right, what we need is someone who’ll get things done. A no nonsense, zero tolerance kind of minister who’ll put scumbags in the prison or the morgue - which ever one is nearer. But who? Look, I know that whoever I put in charge will do better than the inept and invisible Mr Ahern but we need to be careful with this one. Ok, until we can come up with something better, how about Bazil Fawlty with a machine gun?

So finally we need a new Taoisheach. This won’t be easy but I think I have just the person to lead us into a new era of common sense. An era where corruption is the exclusive province of Windows Vista. Someone who will not only look good but is intelligent, responsible and, above all, cannot be bought by bribes of property, money and or sex. There can only be one answer to this question and, if there’s only one answer, there’s only one candidate. People, I give you the new leader of Ireland:

Noodles the Cairn Terrier. All he needs is a couple of meals a day a walkies and a newspaper to piss on - I suggest the Indo. All hail Noodles. Now can you honestly say that the cabinet I’ve suggested could do any worse than the current one?