Captain Purplehead

Just when you thought it was safe to switch on your TV, RTE come up with another lie. I was quietly sitting watching TV the other night when an ad came on that I assumed was for something like Centra or one of those franchise things. Imagine my surprise when, at the end of this annoying little film, the punchline was, “RTE; fuel your imagination.” Well you fucking first!
With less imagination than the contents of a can of beans, why do RTE’s marketing people think that we should fuel our imagination? Oh wait, maybe they’re asking us to imagine we live in a country with a decent TV station. Well, in that case I apologise. This must be the most imaginative piece of business ever. ‘Look, we have no intention of improving our service by, oh let’s say, providing decent programming that breaks from the formula we’ve been using for eons, but why don’t you imagine that we provide a decent service?
Yes, why not imagine that the Late Late Show is not hosted by a log with a conservative wig on it? Why not imagine that we don’t hire predominantly Dublin 4 fucking knobheads to host our fucking pathetic reality TV shows that rarely last past one episode.
Thanks RTE. I’m imagining it now. Maybe, when the ecconomy is all better, we could actually hire someone who has imagined that RTE television is good.

Some Tommy Cooper Classics courtesy of Ado to cheer you up.

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

——————————————————————–

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’

——————————————————————–

‘Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home..’

‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’

‘Is it common?’

‘It’s not unusual.’

——————————————————————-

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’

‘Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
Teeth.

Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’

‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed? ‘

‘No, because he’s really heavy’

——————————————————————–

‘Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s.’

‘Well you can’t say fairer than that then’

——————————————————————

Two elephants walk off a cliff…… Boom boom!

———————————————————————
So I went to the dentist.

He said ‘Say Aaah.’

I said ‘Why?’

He said ‘My dog’s died.’
———————————————————————

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
‘Who’s speaking please?’

And a voice said ‘You are.’
——————————————————————-

So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’

He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’
———————————————————————
So I rang up a local building firm,

I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’

He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’
———————————————————————

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are
5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It’s either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it’s Colin.

———————————————————————
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
And he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted
Again.’

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

‘What happened to you?’

And I said ‘I careered off the road.’

———————————————————————

Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don’t they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought ‘This is unusual’.

And the dentist said to me

‘Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.’

——————————————————————–
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you
Give me a lift?’

I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
———————————————————————

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

‘Does this taste funny to you?’

———————————————————————

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
Battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

———————————————————————

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen; it said ‘Parking Fine.’

So that was nice.

———————————————————————

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time’
The man replied, ‘I know I’ve been ill’

———————————————————————

A man walked into the doctors,

He said ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’

The doctor said, ‘well don’t go to those places’

——————————————————————–

I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day.
He wasn’t very happy.

———————————————————————

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
Couldn’t find any.

———————————————————————

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
———————————————————————

Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one
Of them would have seen it.

——————————————————————–

Phone answering machine message -

‘…If you want to buy marijuana………….press the hash
Key…’

——————————————————————-

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
Couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’

———————————————————————

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

———————————————————————

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’

The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms
off’.

———————————————————————

I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

———————————————————————

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

———————————————————————
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor
of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
———————————————————————

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’

The other one says ‘So are you, you fat slob!’

———————————————————————

Ireland ’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

I’ve bought a new wristwatch - it’s automatic, waterproof, dustproof,

shockproof and antimagnetic - it caught fire !

Just like that !

Well it seems that no fucking plastic celebrity makes a fucking stupid statement unless it’s geared to promote a new single, album, 17th volume of their autobiography, perfume, lingerie, swimwear, groundbreaking surgical technique or cure for athlete’s foot and the fucking detestable Pink is no exception. As I stated in Part I , Pink recently had an epiphany. She thought she was an alcoholic because she occassionally went out and got drunk. Oh you impish little rebelious devil you. I simply made the point that this revelation only served to prove that Pink is a fucking idiot. Her songs are fucking contrived, annoying pieces of corporate crap nailed on a rebel image and she’s basically an all round fucking dipshit.
But is she???? Well…. yes she is but there was method to her abject stupidity because what do you think the name of her new piece of shit single is? “Sober”. Yes, apparently the video shows scenes of her puking and getting off with herself. Is that little rebel trying to be controversial. Is she? Oh is that widdle webel being a widdle bit controversial? FUCK OFF PINK!!! Fuck off and take your contrived, formulaic, bleating fucking Billy Idol crap with you.
You come up with a song called Sober so you have to lie about having some experience of the subject matter but in reality you’re just a fucking useless piece of manufactured crap. It won’t be too long before the mincing fucking tosspot releases a cover of Welcome to the Jungle to coincide with her entry into I’m no longer a Celebrity, Please put me on TV along with the other nobodies and fucking has-beens and people who are famous for getting tit jobs and going out with fucking footballers.
Whoa, I really went off on one there. Well I’m off to hijack a tanker or two.
Take care.

Don’t worry, the fact that pirates have been all over the news and I haven’t commented on it yet has not passed my notice but I’ve been too busy upping my game from petty pillaging. I’ll comment soon.

No, this about a couple of well dressed fucking American idiots who happened upon my door this afternoon. They were Mormons intent on converting me and my wallet to their cause. Of course they didn’t state that as their reason for annoying me. No, they wanted a few minutes to talk to me about my faith. I asked them what deity they were sponsored by and they informed me they were Mormons. “Morons?” I asked incredulously and, without showing the least bit of disdain or insult, they corrected me.
Before they had a chance to continue, I said the following:
“Ah, so you’re the guys who believe that ancient, white skinned Israelite Indians came to America and left golden tablets, which were discovered by Joseph Smith Jnr, translated in private by magical seer stones and transformed into a book that Mark Twain himself described as chloroform in print. The same people who believe that, when Lucy Harris stole the original text; Joseph, not having a back up of the text, had to write some completely different bullshit using the excuse that the devil had caused the original to be stolen and transformed? Those Morons?”
I’m glad to say that I was greeted by blank stares from the two morons and I took this as my cue to torment them further.
“The same morons who believed that Jesus Christ himself visited America when things didn’t work out for him in Palestine. The same morons who believe that Israelite Indians built cities and had a couple of wars. The same morons who believe, not only follow the book of Moron but also the extremely racist tome called the book of Abraham, which was used to excuse your racist policies? The same morons who believe that a woman can’t really amount to anything unless she marries a moron priest? Those morons?”
They continued to stare blankly but with a slight tinge of annoyance. So I continued.
“The same morons who represent one of the highest grossing cults on the planet outside of the slightly more insane scientologists? The same morons who take two young pups barely out of puberty like you two and send them out as “elder priests” to preach the message of the morons? The same morons who send you out in expensive suits because God is a big Armani fan? Those morons?”
More blank if slightly embarrassed and self conscious stares and so I continued.
“If you are indeed the morons of whom I speak, then please feel free to fuck off and grow a brain. Here’s a little shocker for you kids; Joseph Smith was a deranged, lying piece of shit. Compared to him, Donald fucking Rumsfeld is above reproach. I mean, the rest of the world just knew that at some stage some fucking racist American shithead was going to claim that Jesus visited the good ol USA but here’s a newsflash; HE DIDN’T!”
More blank, if slightly teary stares greeted this and so I thought I’d leave my front door do the talking for me.
Let me just say this; If a scientologist were to come to your door, you’d feel justified in telling them to fuck off and stop annoying you. The Mormon faith is not all that different in its inception so I’ll let you make your own mind up. People calling to your door thinking that they can change your mind about anything are already assuming that you’re a pathetic fucking idiot. If they’re going to treat you like that, I see no reason why you can’t treat them the same way.
By the way, if I’ve inadvertently insulted any morons in this post, grow a fucking brain.

Let me start by saying that I’m not being fattist or sizeist or weightist or any other kind of ist you care to mention. I’m simply saying that our government needs a makeover in more ways than one.
This is our minister for health:

HEALTH!!
Now, apart from her ineptitude in dealing with health fiasco after health fiasco, does this look like a healthy person to you. Yes, we all like our cheese burgers and Black Forest Gateaux but seriously, Minister for Health? Why can’t she be minister for agriculture or minister for cakes or something? Health? I would say that she consistently ignores her GP’s advice and she hasn’t put her foot in a trainer since she was in P.E class. If she had done one thing of note to revolutionise our failing health system, I’d say something for her but she has done less than nothing - and in her case that’s definitely possible. Latest polls show that Fianna Fail are being found out at last. The worrying thing is that, if Enda Kenny ever gets in, we’re well and truly fucked.

Now, here’s our Prime Minister:

Yes, that’s right, Shrek has taken over Ireland. These two hideous beasts form a ludicrous partnership in the Dail. If McDonalds ever do a fucking calendar, there’s two models for them right there. Brian looks like he was inflated as a child and no one read the instructions to find the recommended air pressure. How he became leader of a country is beyond everyone including him. He is the king of the backtrack. How can you not think the most important budget of recent times through? He’s an intelligent man who should be consulted from time to time in a back room of Leinster House but never seen or heard in public.

Our minister for health should be an intelligent and fit person. A great public speaker and someone who is experienced in dealing with the media. Hhmmmm………. Who could we give the job to? I HAVE IT!!

Sharon Ni Bheolain. Beautiful, intelligent, elegant, a brilliant speaker, fluent in Irish and fucking hell is she fit or what? You’ve got to go for it Sharon. Of course, that would mean that we may run the risk of having Mary Harney reading the news through facefulls of raw horse. Fuck it, for the good of the country, it’s worth the risk.

Ok, who could we have as Minister for Irish Land Finance? …….. I have it!!!!

Ann Doyle. Yes, she’s another newsreader but she’s intelligent, glamorous and healthy. Ok, I’m on a roll now.

Who could we slot in as Minister for Foreign Affairs? Right, this doesn’t have to be difficult. All we do is say yes to America when they want to compromise our neutrality and no to any European treaty that would make us stronger on the grounds that it might compromise our neutrality. Easy. But who would fit the bill? Hhhmmmm…… I have it!

Father Dougal McGuire. It was either him or Bibi Baskin, who is no stranger to foreign affairs but I just feel that Dougal shades it on overall qualification. In fairness, he could handle Education and probably Justice too but we won’t overload him in his first term in office. Now the cabinet is really beginning to shape up. Right, we better take care of education and justice, now that I’ve mentioned them.
Ok, for education we need someone who is happy to do absolutely nothing. This is a very important ministry so we must be careful about it. If a change were to made to our pitiful education system, it may very well cause the government to implode. But who could take up such a mantle. Who could we…. YES!!!

A rock! The EU could ask us, “How do you find your minister for education” and we could reply honestly for the first time since the formation of the state. We could say that we have a solid minister for education. We could say that our minister for education is hard but fair. Perfect.
Ok, justice is the toughest yet and I haven’t even named our prime minister yet. Right, what we need is someone who’ll get things done. A no nonsense, zero tolerance kind of minister who’ll put scumbags in the prison or the morgue - which ever one is nearer. But who? Look, I know that whoever I put in charge will do better than the inept and invisible Mr Ahern but we need to be careful with this one. Ok, until we can come up with something better, how about Bazil Fawlty with a machine gun?

So finally we need a new Taoisheach. This won’t be easy but I think I have just the person to lead us into a new era of common sense. An era where corruption is the exclusive province of Windows Vista. Someone who will not only look good but is intelligent, responsible and, above all, cannot be bought by bribes of property, money and or sex. There can only be one answer to this question and, if there’s only one answer, there’s only one candidate. People, I give you the new leader of Ireland:

Noodles the Cairn Terrier. All he needs is a couple of meals a day a walkies and a newspaper to piss on - I suggest the Indo. All hail Noodles. Now can you honestly say that the cabinet I’ve suggested could do any worse than the current one?

Yes, it arrived. My spanking new guitar arrived and it is a thing of beauty.

For those guitar enthusiasts amongst you, it has two humbuckers, 24 jumbo frets, a push pull pot to split the pick ups and is strung with finger killer tens. It is a thing of joy, beauty, madness, beauty and beauty. I’ve played it quite a bit now and I love it love it love it. It will never take the place of Sunny, my beloved Strat, but it is an able assistant and I intend to terrorise audiences with it in the very near future. Fuck it, I’m getting a semi just thinking about it.

I don’t do celeb shit but this one just couldn’t get away without comment. Pink, y’know, the loud fucking eejit who thinks she’s a rebel? Yeah, short bleached blonde hair, pedestrian lyrics about how mad she is and skimpy designer outfits to match her uber rebeliousness. Yeah, that fucking annoying bint. Well, apparently she recently had a crisis in her life - don’t all those fucking plastic pop stars have one now and then. No, she didn’t lose someone dear to her or find out that she had a terminal disease. She began to think she was an alcoholic. Yep, how fucking original. Well she came to this conclusion one day when she thought, “Gee whiz, I like to get drunk every now and then. I must be an alcoholic.” So she but away her barbies and took herself off to a rehab ranch. Not a rehab centre, oh fucking no; Pink went to a rehab RANCH!
When she was there, she was asked when she last had a drink and couldn’t remember; not because she was so wasted she couldn’t remember but because it had been so long. She was then told that it is normal for people to get drunk every now and then and off she bobbed, happy as a clam and downed a whole cup of babysham - the mad drunken rebel.
She set out to discover if she had to recover and ended up learning that she’s just a fucking idiot.

I wasn’t going to write about the senseless killing of Shane Geoghegan as so many people have done it better than I could. I didn’t know Shane but, from what I have heard, he was a decent bloke who was shot by cowardly, knuckle-dragging fucking dickheads. His murder was senseless but, if our government are to do anything right, they should make Shane’s murder a landmark. It should be the straw that broke the camel’s back in terms of putting these pathetic fucking cunts in jail FOR LIFE!!
The people who killed Shane should not be considered human and therefore should have no fucking rights. The Gards know who they are. They’re the drug-dealing, murderous fucking wankers who are fucking Limerick up for everyone. So how about bringing in the “Scumbag Act”? Under this act, anyone fitting the profile of a fucking murderous fucking scumbag should be put in jail and never see the light of fucking day again. Lets call a spade a spade. These fucking numbskulls are a fucking waste of oxygen. Now, if you’re reading this and you’re one of those stupid fucking “we must try to make them see sense through love and understanding” knobheads, just fuck off and choke on your fucking carrot juice. These people are fucking scum - it’s as simple as that. They have no more respect for human life than they do for a fucking tin can. They more than happily took away Shane’s right to life and his parents’ right to outlive their son. Do they deserve to maintain their own human rights? NO they fucking don’t.
Politicians will spout sound bites about getting tough on crime until we’re all blue in the face or they perceive that the horror of this act has blown over. Well it won’t blow over. I don’t give a continental fuck if these scumbags are killing eachother but now they’ve murdered an innocent man so get off your fat fucking arses and do something about this. Get all those loan defaulters and people who haven’t paid their fucking tv licences out of jail and start putting these murderers in there. In short. DO WHAT WE’RE PAYING YOU TO FUCKING DO!!

Been a bit busy recently. In fact I’ve recently been a bit busy. Despite being recently a bit busy, I haven’t ignored the fact that my faith in Americans has been somewhat restored due to the election of Obama. The Republicans who have historically debunked every conspiracy theory are now at it themselves, saying that the election was rigged. Yeah, I think he made sure that the black people of Florida couldn’t vote…. oh, hang on a second…. No, that was Dubya. Obama won because any idiot can see that the Republicans were taking the world down in a rugby tackle of corruption, greed and violence.
Nuff said.