Captain Purplehead

Continuing my ideas for the future theme, here’s a few more inventions that might prove useful.

Animal Rehab: Well, it makes sense for Ireland’s olympic horses.

Sober Goggles: These ingenius devices will be worn when drunk so that the person you’ve taken home still looks great in the morning.

A Plank: To take over the Late Late Show. Anything would be an improvement.

Shoulder Prisms To refract those annoying lazer pointers away…… ahem.

Corrective Orthodontic Braces: These COBs will emit a sharp electric pulse everytime a teenager speaks like a moronic American. These could also be adapted to punish Westlife and Ronan Keating amongst others.

Sucker SocksTo stop your socks being sucked off your feed when you’re wearing wellies.

Prisons:These will be large, secure buildings with none of the comforts of home where criminals will go to be punished. It might just reduce the crime rate.

There you go, short and sweet. Keep the ideas coming though.

From Muletaker Heat Resistant Choc Ices,for our spectacular summers.Na fuck it.I’ll stick with beer.

From Kings Bard What about adjustable urinals so that short-arses can pee without dangling into someone else’s slurry…

This is what happens when your parents are twins:

These two primates and another white supremacist called Sean Robert Adolf were arrested on guns and drugs charges. It is thought they were planning to assassinate Barack Obama. The ATF tracked Mr. Adolf to an Aurora hotel where he promptly jumped out of a sixth story window onto an awning and tried to escape. He was later found with a broken ankle.
Their plot did not signify a credible threat but it goes to prove that a lot of people in the Southern United States are morons. In fact, they’re sub-moron. Adam Boulton reported that it’s not clear whether the absence of a threat was because these clowns are in custody or whether they frankly weren’t up to it. He then went on to describe them as a ramshackle bunch of redneck supremacists. Well done, Adam.
The problem facing America is that, on one hand, they have a Presidential candidate who might actually do a decent job but will probably killed by bigoted fucking idiots before he has a chance to do much. On the other hand, they have a creationist, right wing clown who the rednecks will love but who will probably make George W seem like an intelligent humanitarian. The major problem is that the next presidency will be a one-term deal because of the mountain that George W and his band of merry morons has left the next incumbent to climb.
At least if Obama wins, there will be an improvement but I just hope that he doesn’t take too many chances when engaged in public events.

How about a plane that’s made out of the same material as the Black Box? It’s not at all comforting to know that there is one indestructible part of an airplane that you’re not sitting in.

Heinekanadin: A hybrid of brilliant beer and painkillers.

Flippy the bush Kangadolphin: An amphibious hero.

Skipper the bush Dolpharoo: Saves money on the signature tune.

Super Batspider: Self explanatory.

Furry Linoleum: For those who can’t decide between tacky floor coverings.

Velcro Gloves: To stop Bono clicking his fingers. Untold multitudes have died because he does that. He should never be allowed to have the Izimmer, even though it is of paramount importance that he needs one soon.

Liver slot: Interchangeable livers. The answer to the parties of tomorrow.

Virtual Faeces: Wouldn’t it be grand?….. or not. You decide.

Flavoured hash: For people who don’t want to smoke but still want to have mad cravings for cornflakes and marmalade.

From MuletakerThe Spleer.For those who like to get drunk and stoned at the same time.{not yet available in Irish pubs).And already available in my fridge,The Canwich.Your bevvy of choice accompanied by your favourite sambo.Very handy when you get home after a few spleers.

From King’s BardWhat about self cleaning underwear along the lines of a self cleaning oven - handy for going home to the misus after a night on the tiles !!!

From the brilliantly named Shawn De Leerwhat about a self-sealing, self peeling, all-over body-condom - for the ultra cautious? You could have Lieut. Uhuru (etc…) designs to “dress-them-up”, thereby in a stroke satisfying a myriad of fetishist desires…

I hate reality T.V! ……. Sorry, let me rephrase that; I FUCKING HATE REALITY T FUCKING V!!!!!!!

Well that’s not entirely true. I like Dragons’ Den. I honestly think that it is the only talent show worth watching. I’m not going to go into the whole X-Factor thing because that programme is fucking awful. The only reason that anyone watches that show is to see the people who are pitifully awful being given a roasting by a panel of talentless wankers. Simon Cowell is famous for being a prick who can spot exactly what everyone else can spot. The one thing Simon has never spotted is actual talent. Ok, I said I wasn’t going to go into it and I’m after kind of going off on one. In short; mainstream pop music is nothing more than an elongated radio jingle and Louis Walsh and Simon Gowell are complicit in the death of music. Ok, I’ll stop.
I don’t particularly like any of the judges on Dragons Den but I’ve seen mercy amongst the capitalists. At least they’re experts. At least they give a reason for not proceeding with a contestant. None of that is important. The point of this post is to tell you what I want to see on the programme.
I have an idea for a product but it might not take hold for a few years. I’m putting it out there because, being a pirate, I’m excluded from entry.
So what’s my idea? Before I get to the actual product, let me explain my reasoning behind it and why the applications are virtually limitless.
The sixties heralded a major change in popular music. The decade started with the now formulaic three minute pop song and finished with the two hour pot song. The seventies saw the sixties condensed and manipulated and the nineties saw a massive leap in what can be achieved in music. The eighties? Fuck that. The decade began with the death of John Lennon and saw the rise to fame of Kenny Loggins. Fuck that decade. yeah, there was some brilliant music but none of that was Phil Collins so fuck that decade. Fuck it.
Anyway, my point is that we will shortly not be able to view elderly people in the same way we always have. I’m sure we’ll all end up smelling of piss but we won’t be listening to Perry Como at a moderate volume. We’ll be listening to Jimi Hendrix or The Smiths or AC/DC or The Pixies at a volume that we can hear. The other concern is that, because of our diet - alcoholic or nutritional - we will either die of heart failure or develop osteo-arthritis. We’ll still want to get to the pub or fast food outlet but we’ll have trouble getting there. On the other end of the scale, you’ll have scumbags who will still want to listen to Bouncy Bowels, Whitney Beers and Twenty Pence. If they haven’t been stabbed, shot or succumbed to abject stupidity, they’ll still want to listen to that crap in their advancing years.
I give you the Izimmer!
This will be a walking aid that is completely pimpable and has a built-in Ipod compatible stereo. It will contain a pez dispenser-type medication tube and will come in four colours; black, red - for the wanker United and Liverpool fans - Pink - for scumbag weddings and classic aluminium silver-grey. The pink model will contain the most advanced shotgun fake tan applicator known to man, woman or missing link. The scumbag model will be a one horse power model and will be compatible with your standard sulky. Alternatively, we can put small wheels instead of the rubber feet, preload it with Wolfe Tones and call it the Izimmershufflesulkyboss. Other features include a cardboard dash - for roach paper, a built in camera that you’ll never use, a torch and a removable umbrella that falls apart in .000000001 gale winds so you have something to give out about.
There are boundless options for the Izimmer. Once you have that, you can have things like the DialysIpod - for that internal music buzz, ProzIpac, Valipod, arthroPod - sorry - and, of course, Viagrapod - preloaded with Barry White.
I don’t think you’ll have many people contesting your application for a patent.
This is the start of Captain Purplehead’s “Design For Life” series.

I have to recommend a movie for you. It’s not new but it’s brilliant. Bubba Ho-tep. It’s set in a retirement home and it’s funny as fuck. Elvis decided that he didn’t want to play vegas, so he allowed an Elvis impersonator to become Elvis. Problem was that the real Elvis ran out of money and so he became an Elvis impersonator. After falling off the stage and breaking his hip, he ends up in a cheap retirement home with John F Kennedy - who had his skin dyed black to put the CIA off his scent.
Check it out. This is just the trailer but it is genuinely a modern rival to Dr Strangelove.

Here’s a list of the more interesting insults I’ve heard. I’m sure there’s more but this is a start.

• You’re pretty ugly but beauty is only a light switch away.
• Is that your face or did your neck throw up.
• Are your parents twins?
• I can hardly contain my indifference.
• You’re about as sharp as a beach ball.
• I’m busy now, can I ignore you some other time?
• Do they ever shut up on your planet?
• You’re so old you can remember when the Dead Sea was just ill.
• There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation can’t cure.
• I’ve seen wounds that were better dressed than you.
• If you ever become a mother, I wouldn’t even want one of the puppies.
• I can see that you’re flirting with intelligence but getting the cold shoulder.
• No, I haven’t gone deaf, I’m just ignoring you.
• You’re not yourself today, I noticed the improvement immediately.
• Your shortcomings are self-evident; I’m not going to point them out for you.
• Save your breath for your inflatable girlfriend.
• If I throw a stick, will you fuck off?
• Sorry, I was just trying to imagine you with a personality.
• So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a short but terribly lonely trip.
• Does your head whistle in a crosswind?
• I will not get into a battle of wits with you! It is against my morals to fight an unarmed person.
• I used to think you were a waste of fucking time but now I have a much lower opinion of you.
• Some people seem to have descended from chimpanzees later than others.
• I can always tell when you’re about to say something stupid; your lips move.

And from the Oscar Wilde:
• He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by all his friends.

I’ve posted this list before but, after rereading it, I had to post it again. I just know that Mule Taker, The King’s Bard, Bock The Robber and many more of you will love this list. Feel free to leave additions in the comments section and I’ll add those fuckers on.

• Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
• Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
• Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
• Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
• How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
• How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life?
• I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
• I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
• I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
• I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
• I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
• I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck
• I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
• If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You
• If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
• If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
• Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
• My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
• My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
• My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
• My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
• Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone To Kill
• She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
• She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
• She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
• Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
• They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out
• Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
• When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll Think You’re Walking In
• You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too
• You Can’t Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
• You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
• You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
• You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
• If She Hadn’t Been So Pretty, I mighta seen the train.

I once knew a pirate from Kerry,
Who drank a little too much sherry
his wrist it was tipped,
his cargo was shipped
And now he works on a ferry……….

or this. Enjoy. Pee Titty robbed it, 20 pence robbed it and neither of the gun toting bastards were arrested for doing so.

This is brilliant,

Bock the Brilliant

Some time ago, some genius came up with the idea that we had to love everyone regardless of what some may have done. Some fucking super-brain decided that there is good in everyone and that we need to nurture people to get the best out of them. Some mega-intelligent being decreed that smacking our children is just plain wrong.
What’s the Cap’n’s take on this? Fuck that, it’s a load of bollox. Let’s face it, people are inherently bad and nurturing us makes us worse. The only reason some of us become decent is because we were reminded of what was right and wrong. Sometimes this reminder came with a sharp smack but we didn’t go suing our parents for fucking child abuse.
For all this absolute bollox, what kind of a society have we got? Criminals roam free on the streets, mugging, robbing, raping, beating and murdering innocent people. What happens to them? Fuck all! What would really be all that wrong about grabbing one of these knuckle-dragging fucking dickheads, standing on his fucking neck and going fucking bananas on him with a fucking golf club? Why a golf club? Because we could finally find a real use for the fucking things. What’s wrong with arresting some fucking murdering maggot and sticking him in a cold damp fucking cell for the rest of his fucking worthless life? Someone like John Gilligan is enjoying all the comforts of home in his cell. Would it be a major fucking deal if we just happened to accidentally drop some raw steak down his shorts and allow a fucking ravenous lion into his cell? When he starts screaming, we could bludgeon him with his own severed arm and tell him to shut the fuck up.
All of these so-called advances in modern society should mean that our society is getting better. Is it? Unless I miss my guess it’s getting progressively worse by the fucking minute.
Don’t smoke.
Don’t drink.
Don’t wank.
Don’t fuck strangers.
Don’t eat red meat.
Don’t eat too much white meat.
Don’t eat bread.
Don’t eat cheese.
Wear a condom.
Wear a helmet.
Wear a fucking scarf.
What are you doing that for?
Why are you wearing that?
Why are you eating that?
Why are you speaking to him?
Why are you smoking that?
FFFUUUUCCCKKKK OOOFFFFFFF!!!
Is it just me? I find it fucking hard to believe that it’s just me. Has anyone else had it up to the fucking eye teeth with being told what food will make us live longer and how we should love our fellow man?
People are inherently bad. The one thing that sets most of us apart is that we don’t want to do the wrong thing. The rich get richer and, if they can’t get richer, they fuck someone over to get there. Meanwhile, the poor get poorer but they also look at the lifestyles of the rich and famous and will fuck over everyone they can to become rich. No one is punished and everyone is coddled and society is going to fucking hell.
If it’s not fucking working, rip it fucking up and start again.