Superheroes become popular because they invariably rise above the ordinary and take care of business on behalf of the common man. If that’s true, how the fuck did Diamond Dan The Orangeman - or Sash Gordon, as he’s known to some - come into being.
This is an artist’s rendering of Dan and he kind of looks like a cross between John Merrick, Marty Feldman and Vanessa Phelps with a Chris Evans hairdo. Appropriate then that he is the official super hero of the Orange Order.
For those of you who don’t know, the soley Protestant Orange Order was founded in 1795 in opposition to the Defenders, which were a Catholic organisation. Protestants at the time felt that they had to exhume the memory of the Orange Institution, founded in 1688 to support William of Orange, whose victory of the Catholic James II in 1690 has been commemorated in marches by Protestants since the Orange Order was founded. As you can imagine, with all the violence that descended on Northern Ireland in the latter half of the last century, what was really needed was a shower of idiots dressed in Orange basically giving the two fingered salute to all Catholics - which is really what these marches were always about.
Before I continue, I’m not a republican - armchair or otherwise. In fact I fucking despise the fucking Wolfe Tones. Neither am I a practicing Catholic but, as I was born one, I presume that I am included in the bigotry of the Orange Order. Still, it’s nice to see that they’re lightening up a bit by employing a superhero. The idea is that a cartoon figure will encourage more chidren to take an active interest in bigotry…. ahem… I mean, the Orange Order. Some thing like the National Socialist Party did back in the late thirties in Germany.
Diamond Dan’s powers, like any other superhero, are unique. He can leap common sense with a single syllable and he has the power to repulse men, women and dogs by merely being in their line of sight. He can also beat a drum whilst flipping the bird to random Catholics. His mere presence can disuade a wayward young Protestant from marrying a Catholic. He embodies all that is stupid in humankind and he often fights reason with his fellow superheroes, One-eyed Stan The Clansman, Callussed Palm The Nazi-man and, of course, George W. Bush the…….. idiot.
Like all superheroes, Diamond Dan has a love interest. Flaccid Labia, pictured below, is a confirmed Orange woman who is all confused about everything, including her feelings for Dan. She doesn’t like the unsociable hours he keeps or the smell of his cape but she does love the colour orange. Dan is hopeful that her brain cell is compatible with his.
His father; Flash Gonad is initially opposed to the idea but eventually warms to the idea when he finds out that Flaccid isn’t actually Italian.
You would think that two bigots getting together would be a relatively easy process but all doesn’t run smoothly for our lovers. Y’see, Dan is already in a relationship with Dale Harden, the 1976 Olympic Fisting Champion.
Dan and Flaccid meet twice a week in secret. They always plan to meet more often but neither of them have the mental capacity to remember more than two secret locations in any seven day period. Dale, a part time dildo sharpener, has seen Dan and Flaccid together, and though it did raise suspicion in his mind, he isn’t quite intelligent enough to put two and two together and so, blissfully unaware of Dan’s infidelity, goes ahead with their wedding plans at the Sash Cave.
To be continued…..