Captain Purplehead

George W. Bush has stated that “Normalcy” is returning to Iraq. Now, unless he’s referring to Hooters McNormalcy, the figure skating stripper, I’m not sure what he’s talking about. If his idea of normalcy is living without electricity for 22 hours a day, knowing that you could be blown asunder by some random bombing on your perilous journey across the street, having your homes randomly ransacked by so-called defence forces who then beat the fuck out of you for asking them why they’re there, having misguided teenagers strapping themselves with explosives and detonating those explosives in crowded areas and generally having your whole world ripped apart because the western world like to drive SUVs, he must surely now be in residence on another planet. This is a man who has sent 4000 of his country’s youth to their deaths as well as being responsible for many more civilian deaths. Who the fuck is he to define normality?
Here are some translations that might help you better understand Bush World.
Freedom: The pursuit of oil rights at the expense of innocent lives.
Weapons of Mass Destruction: Random rocks and bric-a-brac that can be hurled at passing traffic.
Tony Blair: A small, loyal dog.
Democracy: The abandonment of all Human Rights.
Abu Ghraib: A lively holiday camp where idiots can exercise their propensity for cruelty. A good place to see Democracy in action.
Interrogation: Torture.
Human Rights: This meaning can vary depending on George’s mood.
Ecconomy: A decent fisting session with Gordon Brown.
Donald Rumsfeld: The former court jester at the Whitehouse.

The curtain will soon thankfully fall on one of the worst world leaders ever to hoodwink the world. Bush’s legacy is obviously clear - at least to anyone who doesn’t live in Bush World but what happens next will be interesting. Will America clear out and leave the Iraqis to clear up the mess that George and his band of merry idiots created? Who knows. The one thing that is obvious is that America will get a better president. I mean that would still be the case if they elected Charles Manson. The other thing that is obvious is that the next President cannot do a worse job than George W. If this sounds anything other than bleak, I apologise for misleading you.

Ah, it’d be funny if he wasn’t fucking nuts. Yes, apparently, Osama Bin Laden has released an audio message to say that he’s not best pleased with the Danish cartoon which was released ages ago and poked fun at Mohammed. Rumour has it he even pumped a couple of rounds from his AK47 into his favourite Teddy Bear, Jesus. He also blames the Pope for being complicit in the outrageous … erm… drawing. The message, by al Qaeda media arm as-Scab - ahem, as-Sahab - carried a cartoon of a spear piercing a red map of Europe with blood spewing forth as its tip penetrated the surface. Now I don’t know about you but that’s not fucking funny at all. Alright, I s’pose if you changed it to a giant penis it could be…. Naaa. Y’see Osama just doesn’t have a sense of humour.
Realistically, I doubt that the hairy eejit is even still alive. I mean, he releases an “audio” message and accompanies it with a picture of him firing an AK47 - what else would he be doing. I’ve tried to source some recent pictures of him but, apart from his last workout video - Sneer Your Way To Fitness - I can’t find a single thing. As you can see, the picture below was taken a few years back when he was dating Randy Jackson.

I am seriously cynical about these alleged messages. If it’s all true, all he’s doing is becoming an invaluable propaganda tool for the Americans. We all know that George W’ s war is all about oil rights and nothing to do with “freedom”. Wouldn’t it be nice to pelt Osama and George W Bush to death with their own excrement?
In Osama’s message he alludes to the fact that his actions will be seen and not heard. So, I suppose his next message will be delivered in mime. Well, at least it would prove once and for all, whether he’s alive or dead.

And what’s all this about the Pope? I mean, the Vatican can be blamed for a lot of things but that German fucker does not strike me as either humorous or a cartoonist.
Look, Osama - or whoever is speaking on behalf of his corpse - fuck off and grow a sense of humour you fucking knuckle-dragging morons!
Anyone who uses violence to inflict their beliefs on others and then calls those people satanic is either slightly confused on the whole good and evil thing or is a blithering idiot. I mean it just goes to show that wealthy people shouldn’t give their kids any money. Look at Paris Hilton for fuck’s sake! Osama’s family is minted – largely from a profitable business relationship with the Bush family – so why can’t they just freeze this fucker’s assets. I mean all he does is agree to fund terrorist regimes. You then have George W. Bush. I mean, how many businesses did he fuck up before they said, “well George, you can’t run a football team so we better make you President.”? For fuck’s sake, people.
If Kelly Osbourne taught us anything, it is that rich or famous people shouldn’t have kids.

I would like to start this by saying well done to Leanne Moore, not only for winning the rank and useless You’re A Star competition, but for being one of the only contestants on that shit show with a snowball’s chance in hell of maintaining a career. To qualify that statement, I don’t think Leanne will ever be a world beater in terms of musical success but I do think she has enough about her to make a decent career in entertainment and she seems like a genuinely good egg to boot. I know, I know; it’s unlike me to say anything positive about this most banal of T.V programmes but I honestly think that, with the right training a guidance, Leanne could have a chance.
So, enough of that, let’s get to the real meat and potatoes - as it were. I haven’t followed You’re A Star closely because I’m not a masochist but I have kept an eye on it. This was because I heard that Klingon disguised as a human who calls himself Brendan O’Connor saying that the standard was incredibly high this year. Well Brendan, whilst I’m under no illusion as to your abject lack of understanding of musical talent, I cannot believe that anyone with the ability to hear can say that the standard was anything but poor at best. There was one girl who Brendan described as having “something that only a handful of people have”. I was expecting him to say that she had an original pressing of Hey Jude but he then continued to say that she had been “touch by God”. Had Bono felt her up? No, he was alluding to what he saw as some unbelievably intense and rare talent. This only encouraged the poor girl to embark on a series of failed attempts at vocal acrobatics that more than showed up the abysmal lack of talent on show. To listen to the judges - all of whom are devoid of even the limited talent on show from the contestants - you would be led to believe that we were witnessing the birth of several superstar careers. The fact is that these people have merely gone through an experience that they will be able to tell their kids about in years to come when they have gone back to being exactly who they were before the competition started. The disgrace of all of this is that some of them actually believe that this turgid show will catapult them to fame without the need to pay their dues by actually learning their craft. A lot of people think they can sing. Out of those people there are a few who actually understand timing. Out of those, there are a few who have a voice worth listening to. So out of all of the people who think they can sing, very few actually can and out of those few, none enter these senseless competitions. So, what do you have left? There are a few who only enter for the laugh and get further than they thought they would. The rest are people who have been told they can sing by people whose cd collection contains such luminaries as Kenny Rogers and Ronan Keating. In other words, people who know fuck all about music. If your kid can’t sing, no matter how powerful their yearning to be a singer is, do not tell them that they can sing. You may think you’re doing them a favour but y0u’re simply encouraging their propensity to go postal.
I don’t want to go on about the contestants because they all seem to be nice ordinary people. The judges however…
Who decided that Brendan O’Connor knows anything about music? I know its RTE’s typically flaccid attempt to copy a winning formula by creating another Simon Cowell. The result of their search is a twat who looks suspiciously like the missing link. He has cranial ridges of which any Klingon would be proud and a knowledge of music rivalled only by any discarded Tayto bag. He is to music what Fred & Rosemary West were to the B&B industry. To hear this fucking primate talk about musical talent is like listening to Heather Mills talk about honesty.
Then you have Keith Duffy. Here’s a guy who, by his own admission, could never sing and what do they have him doing? You have no talent so why don’t you go and judge a talent contest.
There’s also some former girlband piece of dross who they threw in to make up the numbers.
I don’t really give a fuck about the contestants to be honest. If you’ve watched any of the previous shows and still think it’s a good idea to audition, you deserve everything you get.
At the root of this, of course, is RTE’s inability to be original. Their recruitment policy is obviously heavy on nepotism. All you have to do is tune in to Pat Kenny on a Friday night or Ryan Tubridy on Saturdays to see how utterly useless our national broadcaster is. Commenting on ‘You’re a Star’, Julian Vignoles, Deputy Commissioning Editor for Entertainment, RTÉ said: “We’re delighted with how successful the series was this year. It attracted huge viewership figures for RTÉ One and showcased some new and exciting talents.” No it didn’t! Leanne may go and have a moderately successful career in panto and the like but, for the most part, nobody will remember these people in a few years and that’s a fact for which they should be supremely grateful.

Ok, I’m going to have to preface this post by pasting in a comment from a past post. As you may be aware, I’m now prefacing that preface by explaining the preface. Ah what does a pirate know about prefacing anyway.

Oh wow! Okay, I feel I have been dumbed by your waxed up lyrical spew that you have placed up all over this page.
I happen to know Laurie personally and while he is a lot of things (selfish, arrogant and darn right annoying sometimes) he is a man of science. He is the type of boy that read and understood 1984 when he was in his 1st year of secondary school, he also used to quote off facts about the latest physicist break throughs (chaos theory, string ect.) and when he was made to come up with a general knowledge quiz’s all the adults that were questioned didn’t even get one question right. Now to me that sounds like someone who lives for science, he believes in it and supports it whole heartedly.
Now IF you had done some research or maybe even just looked at the pro-test website you will have seen that pro-test is for the advance in science. NOT against the ALF or PETA. It quite clearly states in one of the articles (and if you talk to Laurie on the subject of animal testing) that if there was an alternative to animal testing THAT WORKS AS WELL AS IT DOES then pro-test would be supporting that. You would also probably like to know that pro-test only supports testing of animals for medical advancement. Which in my opinion is something that we need. You state that “Man steam rolls over anything to improve our quality of life” well next time you are ill or you have a headache or heaven forbid you actually need to go into hospital about 90% of every procedure and 100% of all drugs you will receive have been tested on animals to prove they are safe for human use. Now you may say “but it doesn’t work!” ie there was that case about a year ago when 3 human test subjects for a new drug nearly died, this is bound to happen when you have millions of new drugs to test every year. Yet out of these millions of drugs only 1 or 2 slip through the net and rarely harm humans. And I am not going to get into a debate on whether we have the “right” to test on animals suffice it to say that we are far superior animals and much higher intellectually. But don’t forget the testing being done also benefits all animals in the home, held in captivity and in the wild. Also I think I should point out that many zoo’s have a better health care programme/animal hospital than more half the population of this world have access too. Maybe the ALF and Peta should go moan about that?
Also dude where do you get off raging into an insult frenzy about someone that you should have no time for or pay any attention to? Sounds to me that if Laurie was like you say he is, he would be having one huge wank over how much you and your friends have just talked about him!
Also I would like to point out that these spotty haired kids that he hangs out with are generally post grads from Oxford uni and the next generation of scientists that will be powering the scientific world in the years to come. Hence when you are old but you don’t have anything wrong with you because modern medical science has cured almost every affliction, except death, remember that you ripped on these people, the people that want to further the human race. If everyone was like you I think we would probably still be tadpoles. haha

My apologies for the grammer, idiocy and general length of this comment. I would also like to point out that I don’t normally cut and paste a comment for use in another post. The reason I’ve done so with this one is because I’ve been getting quite a lot of feedback on my post about the twa…. ahem… student, Laurie Pycroft. I’m not going to lengthen this post further by explaining why I put finger to keyboard about this insignificant little wart in the first place. If you want to know, you can read the post here
According to the author of the comment which has prefaced - or sub-prefaced - this post, Laurie Pycroft is some sort of intellectual God and all round good egg. He even made up “GENERAL KNOWLEDGE” quizzes that nobody could answer. To be honest, that makes him sound like an insufferable little bollox. I mean, what’s the point in making up a quiz if nobody can answer the fucking questions? It sounds to me that little Laurie had to impress upon those around him, the vastness of his intellect because he was the only one who was reminding himself of how smart he was. Poor little Laurie Py. Poor little boobums. Of course, he didn’t discover Orwell to later in life but we’ll forgive him that.
The point that I was trying to make about this little idiot is that he is the type of person who will do anything to be acknowledged. When Pro-test finally evaporate into the netherworld of their collective rectum, Laurie will probably pin his flag to the mast of something else - seal clubbing, for instance - just to promote himself. It doesn’t matter what the cause is because it is quite clear that nothing matters more to Laurie Pycroft than Laurie Pycroft. The one thing that the author of the comment is correct about is that I am indeed serving Laurie’s purpose by continuing to write about him. This will be my last post about the little turd.
I’d like to leave you now with a little general knowledge quiz.

1. On the 17th of July 2001, I invented an alternative name for soap and told nobody. What was that name?

2. On the 3rd of April 1996, the FBI finally caught the Unabomber. What was I wearing that day?

3. And finally… What was I planning on calling my pet budgie before I decided that I didn’t want a budgie?