Captain Purplehead

For some reason there is an Irish Independent left on the Thirsty Kipper every morning. Not only that but it’s a current edition. Neither I nor any of me shipmates have asked for free chip wrapper every morning and I have no idea how to stop it from happening. Ever since the marimba incident, I have expressly forbidden the ferrying or use of shit aboard the Kipper and now this paper turd is deposited onboard every morning. I’m not fucking happy, people! If I need to wipe my arse, I’ll use toilet paper or a kitten, I absolutely do not need this piece of shit posted at me. I know I’m not paying for it but I don’t want it anywhere near the Kipper. For those of you who feel I’m being unfair, I have perused it to see if it has elevated itself above the level of the average sewer rat and I can assure you it hasn’t. There is still a story and accompanying picture of Katy French every day. Her death was tragic but I think it’s time she was left to rest in peace.
So, if there is anyone who is involved in this unprovoked attack on the Kipper or knows someone who is, please cease and desist before I’m forced to retaliate.

One of my guilty pleasures is my happy memories of watching the scores come in on Eurovision. I never actually watched the acts because to do so would mean the immediate implosion of my brain but I did like the comedy of the whole affair. Of course, it has always been a joke - populated with some of the worst shite known to man but it used to be mildly entertaining.
I always loved Terry Wogan’s commentary on the event and cringed at the fake emotion, which has now become part of the code of popular music. I don’t think anyone ever actually thought that winning the Eurovision meant that you had written the best song in Europe. Ok, Linda Martin and Johnny Logan probably did. Ok ok, so did Dana…. and possibly that pair of fucking twats who sang Rock n’ Roll Kids but that Ginger bird never took it seriously. In fact, it has always been a bit of an embarrassment that Ireland has been so successful in Eurovision.
This year, we’re sending Dustin the turkey and I for one am glad that it is happening. At least Ireland has now grown a big enough pair of bollox to say, “Fuck off Eurovision!” I actually watched the whole thing - all six entries in the final and I have to say that, annoying, putrid and utterly devoid of anything that could possibly lend itself to music as Dustin’s song was, it was actually the best entry. I’m not fucking joking. There was one young guy and his song consisted entirely of pop clichés. I thought Westlife had the copyright on the type of shit that was on show but apparently not. The panel of “experts” consisted of the queen of puke herself, Dana; The King of runny post vindaloo shit, Louis Walsh and the androgynous winner of last year’s Eurovision. To say that the best entry of the night was rendered by a dead turkey says a lot about the competition.
The downside of the whole thing is that way too many column inches will be given to the “controversy” surrounding Dustin’s Eurovision bid. The Indo might even have to stop writing articles about Katy French for five minutes. Lads, it’s all a load of bollox and the more it’s talked about the more ridiculous it makes us, as a country, seem.
The fact is that RTE haven’t wanted it back and now that there are so many eastern European countries voting for eachother, we might as well wind down the whole mess and consign it happily to history. Let’s face it; if RTE were to host it again it would be fucking cringe-worthy. It would probably be hosted by the git, Ryan Tubridy and he would more than likely make just a big an arse of it as he did the IFTAs. Oh for fuck’s sake. Did anyone watch that fucking thing? We gave a lifetime achievement award to Mel Gibson. Now, let’s take a look at that. The only reason we gave it to him is because he is the biggest star that the piss poor event could attract. Of course, true to form, we waited until he confirmed himself as a nazi before we bestowed any honour on him. He was probably over here to try and add a very late entry to the book of condolence for Hitler. Anyway, that’s another rant. Come on Dustin!

So we have confirmed Trappatoni as Ireland manger. He’s had a lot of success at club level and I sincerely hope that he will have a measure of the success that he had at club level. He hasn’t had much success so far with international management but I’m not going to be one of those guys who points out his shortcomings before he’s even started the job. All I’ll say is that, at least he has more English that our last manager.

It’s funny the way things go. Days after making the ludicrous claim on Sky Sports News that his time in charge of the Irish team was a success, Steve Staunton takes the post of assistant manager of Leeds. This also puts into stark relief the inanity of his appointment as Irish manager. Are we saying that the level we require is that of an assistant manager at a third division club?
Trappatoni is now in the frame for to succeed Stan and, though I would never question the managerial record of the great man, I sincerely question his passion for the role of Ireland. Firstly, he is seventy on his next birthday and has barely a word of English. Ok, I know that Stan had very little English but we should be looking to improve the lines of communication between manager and playing staff. His only other experience of international management came as manager of Italy during the 2002 World Cup. He was sacked after their exit at the hands of South Korea. Of course, we should look at that as a political exit as they had 3 goals disallowed in that match so that the co-hosts could go as far as possible in the competition.
Right, why are we suddenly singing the name of Giovanni Trappatoni? I’m not going to go through what is a glowing CV as far as club management is concerned because everyone can use Google these days but I will say that I don’t agree that he should be our manager. The man is at the very end of his career and he’s simply picking up another pay packet. Like Venables, I can’t see him having any passion for the job. I don’t think he’d be quite the disaster that Venables would be but he’s not going to give us the long term stability we need. We need young, hands on manager who won’t suffer egos or fools - normally the same thing - easily. We need a no-nonsense manager who won’t be afraid to tell the criminally inept FAI to keep their noses out of his affairs and won’t be afraid to strip Robbie Keane of the captaincy. In fact, he shouldn’t be afraid to drop Robbie if his poor international form continues. It is for these reasons that the likes of Venables and Trappatoni should not be considered for the Irish job.
I really doubt that we’re going to find any stability given the corruption that is rife within the FAI but we shouldn’t stop criticising Delaney and his clowns.