Captain Purplehead

DON’T PANIC!!! There is absolutely no need to panic anymore because we are saved. Criminals can now be rehabilitated, people with mental illnesses can be cured and we can all basically sleep safely in our beds again. War will be a thing of the past, poverty won’t exist and music will once again be of a high standard.
“Surely you jest, Cap’n” I hear you cry. I jest not, my friends. I can tell you that we have a group of people who can solve everything. I know this because Tom Cruise said so and, let’s face it, how could we doubt the little fucker? Small of stature, small of mind is our Tom. Yes, he has been at it again.
The tiny toerag has informed us that it is a privilege to be called a scientologist and it’s something you earn. The shite author who spawned this insane cult - L Ron Hubbard - is lovingly referred to as LRH. It’s kind of like HRH but without the incest - or maybe with it, who knows.
Yes the fun sized fraudster has been jizzing all over the place about scientology and, such is the integrity and backbone of the cult, they have launched an expensive campaign to get his interview stricken from the internet and any other medium through which his inane ramblings can be heard. They failed in their bid to a large degree, although it is still difficult to get the interview in its entirety.
Mr Cruise states that it is the duty of every scientologist to stop when they see an accident because they’re the “only” ones who can help.
“Shit, this guy’s airway is obstructed. Call a paramedic! If this guy doesn’t get an emergency tracheotomy, he’s going to die. Damn it all to hell, people, at least give me a pen. I can give it a shot. I’ve seen it in a movie once…”
“Stop! Don’t call a paramedic, there’s Tom fucking Cruise. He’ll know what to do. He’s a fucking actor for fuck’s sake. He’s bound to have simulated an emergency tracheotomy or two in his time. Help us Tom.”
“Be still my child. Yes, I am Tom Cruise and, not only have I simulated everything from masturbation to tracheotomies on film, I’m also a scientologist and we know fucking everything. For instance, I happen to know that you’re name is Richard, you’re a Libran, you’re favourite colour is yellow and you’re favourite actor is me.”
“Well my name’s actually Linda and the colour yellow hurts my eyes but that’s not important right now. Can you help this man?”
“While I’ve been talking to you, I’ve been sucking tiny aliens out of his body with the immense power of my mind.”
“I think he’s stopped breathing.”
“Nonsense. You just haven’t grasped mortality on the same level as I have.”

Ok, for fuck’s sake, will someone sedate this idiot and get him some professional help? When you watch the clip below, you will realise that he isn’t simply an idiot. He’s lost the fucking plot. He now thinks he’s the fucking Messiah. Next thing you know you’ll see Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson wearing robes and chanting at us. It’s funny that none of the “help” that Tom has dedicated himself to inflicting on us involves him parting with his vast fortune. Hey Tom, if you really want to fucking help, why not pay my fucking mortgage, you fucking idiot.
Listen, if I’m in an accident, I expressly forbid a fucking scientologist to come anywhere fucking near me. If I’m in pain, I want fucking painkillers and scientologists don’t believe in painkillers so please stay the fuck away from me.

They can rehabilitate criminals. Really? Well why the fuck aren’t you doing it then? Why is half the world at war while the rest of it starves to death? Well? Tom? You fucking moron. If you don’t believe you’re a moron, here’s a couple of reasons why. Firstly; you base your life on the ramblings of a really really really awfully fucking bad author called L. Ron Hubbard and secondly; watch your own interview. Do you actually know what you’re talking about? Will someone please count to three, click their fingers and wake this fucking dickhead from his lifelong hypnotic fugue. FUCK!!! He actually thinks he’s the saviour. He reminds me of another diminutive loser who was given way too much respect back in thirties Germany.

You might wonder what the little fucker is talking about when he extols the virues of “KSW”. It stands for Keep Scientology Working - fucking clever or what. Well it actually goes a little deeper. It means that no scientologist can dispute the word of Hubbard. If they do, they are forced to restudy it until the “misunderstanding” has been resolved. DICTATORSHIP!!! Believe me, if I was forced to read and reread L Ron Hubbard, I’d tell you anything you wanted to hear. I mean that sounds like a truly hideous torture.

Most of us have seen through every other religion - except my own cult who worship Herpes The Wonder Horse - so what makes Tom think we’re going to buy into the “word of Hubbard”? He was a fucking criminally bad author.

Here’s the thing. Scientologists believe that there is no such thing as mental illness. LOOK AT TOM CRUISE BELOW!! HE IS NOW THE POSTER CHILD FOR INSANITY!!!

*I had to change the video because the morons of scientology have made Youtube take this one down. You’d think that a message as seemingly powerful as Tom’s wouldn’t be something they’d want to hide but there you go. This is a Sky News piece on little Tom’s outburst.

See the full tirade HERE Thanks to Bock The Robber for the link.
By the by, when you hear Tom going on about “SPs”, that stands for Suppressive Persons. These are people who disagree vociferously with the loony cult of scientology. Tom, similar to various Nazis, states that he looks forward to a time when these people are history. Remember, this video was never meant to hit the public domain and the Besmirch of Scientology has gone to great lengths to ensure that the general public couldn’t view it so this is pretty much a mission statement. Tom Thumb has also stated that he would like to “rid the world” of psychiatrists.