Captain Purplehead

For those of you living outside of Ireland, I will take a moment to explain that Chorus is the name of the company who supply digital TV to the Thirsty Kipper. They started out as a crap company called Westward Cables, then changed to something else and continued their crap service before the last name change that gave us Chorus and something much more than crap. We’ve all had shit service from one company or another and that is basically what every pre-cursor to Chorus brought us. With the advent of Chorus, the service remained just a shitty as it always had been but with the added bonus of some imbecilic nonsense thrown in for good measure.
Right, got all that? Good. So why have I persevered with such a shoddy and thoroughly shitty service all this time? Y’see I’m one of those idiotic people who think that, by resisting the urge to subscribe to anything to which Rupert Murdoch is remotely connected, I am making a stand against him and all he stands for. Well, the scales have fallen from my eyes and I see now that there is little choice because there is such little choice. I am cancelling my subscription to Chorus because I can no longer stand the pungent odour of their service. That leaves me with one realistic choice; I must join Sky. I don’t know if their service is as dire as that of Chorus - all I know is that it can’t be much worse.
So what was the straw that broke the camel’s back? Well there have been several straws. In fact, the poor camel has been bombarded with straws for quite a while now. I should have pulled the plug before his back was broken but… ah fuck him, he’s a camel. The first of the salvo of final straws was the fact that the price of Chorus’ service rose with no apparent rise in quality - and, let’s face it, that wouldn’t have been difficult. I have lost count of the times when I was watching a particularly good football match, biting my nails as the clock counted down towards the last ten minutes. We’ve all been there. All of a sudden the television screen goes blank and the picture doesn’t return until the opening credits of something inane like You’re a Star or something fucking pointless like that. It never happens when you’re watching a match you couldn’t really give a fuck about - like an Irish International soccer match.
Then there’s the curious choice of channels. Yes you get the free-to-air terrestrial channels but you also get things like Bloomberg and the EWTN. Bloomberg is the financial channel and, whilst I’m sure there are some of you who care about such things, it is merely an annoyance to me. EWTN is the bible-bashing channel and it is an affront that it is even included. It’s pathetic, pointless and rather insulting to anyone who isn’t a practicing Catholic. When they included this channel, I thought I’d reached the limit of my ire towards Chorus but there was one more lethal, camel-crippling blow to come.
Buzz TV.
Buzz TV is apparently dedicated to psychics. Now, I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with psychics; all I’m saying is that they are a bunch of lying fucking conmen and women who have no fucking shame. They are warts on the greasy underbelly of society. They… oh, I s’pose I am saying there’s something wrong with them.
I watched ten minutes of “Psychic Interactive”. The presenter was your typical London dollybird with little more than mascara between her ears and the psychic informed me that all he needed was a text with a nickname on it to do a reading. I was tempted to text the name “Self-serving fucking maggot” and see if he talked about himself. The problem is that, if I did send off the text, I would be subscribed to a service that would happily take €2 a text for sending me around five texts a day to advise me in matters of love, career and finance. The finance thing is easy, I just won’t waste my money on fucking nutcases and conmen or shoddy fucking digital T.V providers.

DON’T PANIC!!! There is absolutely no need to panic anymore because we are saved. Criminals can now be rehabilitated, people with mental illnesses can be cured and we can all basically sleep safely in our beds again. War will be a thing of the past, poverty won’t exist and music will once again be of a high standard.
“Surely you jest, Cap’n” I hear you cry. I jest not, my friends. I can tell you that we have a group of people who can solve everything. I know this because Tom Cruise said so and, let’s face it, how could we doubt the little fucker? Small of stature, small of mind is our Tom. Yes, he has been at it again.
The tiny toerag has informed us that it is a privilege to be called a scientologist and it’s something you earn. The shite author who spawned this insane cult - L Ron Hubbard - is lovingly referred to as LRH. It’s kind of like HRH but without the incest - or maybe with it, who knows.
Yes the fun sized fraudster has been jizzing all over the place about scientology and, such is the integrity and backbone of the cult, they have launched an expensive campaign to get his interview stricken from the internet and any other medium through which his inane ramblings can be heard. They failed in their bid to a large degree, although it is still difficult to get the interview in its entirety.
Mr Cruise states that it is the duty of every scientologist to stop when they see an accident because they’re the “only” ones who can help.
“Shit, this guy’s airway is obstructed. Call a paramedic! If this guy doesn’t get an emergency tracheotomy, he’s going to die. Damn it all to hell, people, at least give me a pen. I can give it a shot. I’ve seen it in a movie once…”
“Stop! Don’t call a paramedic, there’s Tom fucking Cruise. He’ll know what to do. He’s a fucking actor for fuck’s sake. He’s bound to have simulated an emergency tracheotomy or two in his time. Help us Tom.”
“Be still my child. Yes, I am Tom Cruise and, not only have I simulated everything from masturbation to tracheotomies on film, I’m also a scientologist and we know fucking everything. For instance, I happen to know that you’re name is Richard, you’re a Libran, you’re favourite colour is yellow and you’re favourite actor is me.”
“Well my name’s actually Linda and the colour yellow hurts my eyes but that’s not important right now. Can you help this man?”
“While I’ve been talking to you, I’ve been sucking tiny aliens out of his body with the immense power of my mind.”
“I think he’s stopped breathing.”
“Nonsense. You just haven’t grasped mortality on the same level as I have.”

Ok, for fuck’s sake, will someone sedate this idiot and get him some professional help? When you watch the clip below, you will realise that he isn’t simply an idiot. He’s lost the fucking plot. He now thinks he’s the fucking Messiah. Next thing you know you’ll see Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson wearing robes and chanting at us. It’s funny that none of the “help” that Tom has dedicated himself to inflicting on us involves him parting with his vast fortune. Hey Tom, if you really want to fucking help, why not pay my fucking mortgage, you fucking idiot.
Listen, if I’m in an accident, I expressly forbid a fucking scientologist to come anywhere fucking near me. If I’m in pain, I want fucking painkillers and scientologists don’t believe in painkillers so please stay the fuck away from me.

They can rehabilitate criminals. Really? Well why the fuck aren’t you doing it then? Why is half the world at war while the rest of it starves to death? Well? Tom? You fucking moron. If you don’t believe you’re a moron, here’s a couple of reasons why. Firstly; you base your life on the ramblings of a really really really awfully fucking bad author called L. Ron Hubbard and secondly; watch your own interview. Do you actually know what you’re talking about? Will someone please count to three, click their fingers and wake this fucking dickhead from his lifelong hypnotic fugue. FUCK!!! He actually thinks he’s the saviour. He reminds me of another diminutive loser who was given way too much respect back in thirties Germany.

You might wonder what the little fucker is talking about when he extols the virues of “KSW”. It stands for Keep Scientology Working - fucking clever or what. Well it actually goes a little deeper. It means that no scientologist can dispute the word of Hubbard. If they do, they are forced to restudy it until the “misunderstanding” has been resolved. DICTATORSHIP!!! Believe me, if I was forced to read and reread L Ron Hubbard, I’d tell you anything you wanted to hear. I mean that sounds like a truly hideous torture.

Most of us have seen through every other religion - except my own cult who worship Herpes The Wonder Horse - so what makes Tom think we’re going to buy into the “word of Hubbard”? He was a fucking criminally bad author.

Here’s the thing. Scientologists believe that there is no such thing as mental illness. LOOK AT TOM CRUISE BELOW!! HE IS NOW THE POSTER CHILD FOR INSANITY!!!

*I had to change the video because the morons of scientology have made Youtube take this one down. You’d think that a message as seemingly powerful as Tom’s wouldn’t be something they’d want to hide but there you go. This is a Sky News piece on little Tom’s outburst.

See the full tirade HERE Thanks to Bock The Robber for the link.
By the by, when you hear Tom going on about “SPs”, that stands for Suppressive Persons. These are people who disagree vociferously with the loony cult of scientology. Tom, similar to various Nazis, states that he looks forward to a time when these people are history. Remember, this video was never meant to hit the public domain and the Besmirch of Scientology has gone to great lengths to ensure that the general public couldn’t view it so this is pretty much a mission statement. Tom Thumb has also stated that he would like to “rid the world” of psychiatrists.

As some of you may know, I stopped smoking on the 1st of January. I’m still smoke-free but I’ll tell you something; T fucking V doesn’t make it any fucking easier. I’m not talking about movies in which the actors smoke, I’m talking about adds for products that are supposed to help one kick the habit of smoking. For the love of fuck!!!
I had a particularly bad craving a couple of days ago. I mean, I could taste that beautiful crap diving down my throat, headed for the black, gooey pastures of my lungs. I popped a mint in my mouth and sucked more than James Blunt but nothing was going to blunt my urge to pop a cigarrette in my mouth. I decided to switch on the TV to get my mind off of things and what do I see? A giant fucking cigarrette dancing around the bedroom of someone before they took some nicotine gum. FUCK!!! That’s just what I fucking needed to see, a dancing fucking cigarette!!
I change the channel and, I kid you not, a hot girl dressing in leather, smoking a cigarrette on a fucking motorbike.
In the end, I fucking willed myself not to smoke and the urge eventually passed. Look, I’m not saying that all these aids are useless but you’re either going to quit or you’re not. If any advertising exec is reading this, how about just a quiet reminder that these things are there if you need them? How about an ad that says, ‘If you’ve quit smoking, you’re doing great but if you feel you need a little help, try our product’? What we don’t need to see is a fucking giant cigarrette!!! Fuck it that’s a stupid ad.

So it looks like the new Nazi, I mean, republican candidate for the next Presidential election in the good ol’ US of A is an ex Baptist Minister called Mike Huckabee. He supports “fair tax”, he a defender of traditional family values, he’s strongly pro-life - (but, funnily enough, is an advocate of the death penalty) - and he is a concealed weapons permit holder and believes strongly in the second amendment - (of course it was nigh on impossible to successfully conceal a weapon back when that old nugget was written). The one thing curiously absent from his manifesto is any kind of stance on American foreign policy. The NRA believe that “Huckabee understands that the Second Amendment is about far more than just hunting. It is about self-defence and ultimately it gives the citizenry protection against a tyrannical government” If that’s the case, why hasn’t the American public risen up against the current tyrannical incumbent?
The most powerful seat in the world and the idiot doesn’t mention the fact that the current government has been clocking up the body count in the pursuit of oil rights. He did say. when asked about his stance on Iraq, that it is important to make sure that “our children can put their heads on their pillows at night”. What the fuck have they been giving their children for pillows over there?
So, if this bible-bashing clown is elected, America will have gone from an idiot whose presidency was defined by his abysmally criminal foreign policy to a clown who is pretending that everything is alright and, as long as he is seen to do something about the Medicaid issues and he supports the gun-toting rednecks, he’ll be fine.
Ok, so he couldn’t possibly be any worse than Dubya but he hears similar voices. George said that God told him to invade Iraq….. AND HE STILL HASN’T BEEN IMPEACHED!!! What kind of God would tell you to obliterate innocent people - including children - so that you can secure oil rights for your toxic country? Mike Huckabee is a bona-fide bible-bashing, ex-Baptist minister. You can’t be an ex-Baptist minister. You might not pontificate from your expensively appointed pulpit anymore but you’ve still got that inbred paranoia running through your veins like poison!!
God told Dubya to murder people the same way that idiotic suicide bombers blow themselves and as many innocent people as possible up in the name of Allah. We quite rightly castigate suicide bombers but allow the other idiot to remain in the most powerful job in the world. Double fucking standards. It now looks like Mike Huckabee has ticked all the right boxes with the God-fearin’, gun-toting, flag waving, cousin fucking redneck voters and, if George W proved one thing, it’s that you don’t have to actually win the election to become President.
Huckabee. It’s like a make of comfortable shoe or something. It’s like a children’s cartoon character - kind of like a kangaroo who rescues people. “Huckabee Huckabee Huckabee the Bush doppelganger. Huckabee, Huckabee….’ Now, stick the banjo music from deliverance at the end of that instead of the normal banjo music and things take on a sinister twist.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’ll turn out to be the best politician ever. I fucking doubt it but ya never know.

Whoever said that, once you get over the third day off the cigarettes, gets easier is a fucking liar and should he venture near the Thirsty Kipper he will fall victim to my trusty cutlass. Yes, you guessed it, my nicotine-based cold turkey is not going so well.
It’s amazing how truly annoyed you can get when you’re craving poison. Today in Limerick it’s snowing. Not your blizzard-like fall that would have the scumbags braking out their Nike snow shoes, but our usual light sprinkling of snow. To put this into perspective; when you walk on the snow, you can see the road through your footprint. All in all, not a major snowfall. The polar bears haven’t been brushing up on their Irish geography or anything. So why am I telling you this? Well, despite the fact that there have been quite a few car crashes on the road this morning, snow-mania has descended over the crew of the Kipper. Everybody’s dancing ’round with glee. It’s a pitifully innocuous snowfall. For fuck’s sake.
Look, I don’t mind people getting all smiley and happy at the sight of snow. That’s fine, I don’t really fucking care. What does get to me however is how pitifully unprepared the Limerick transport system is in the face of such arctic conditions. Several of my crew were due to arrive by bus but no buses ran this morning. Now I can understand the buses running a little slower than normal because of a light fall of snow, in fact I expect it. The fact, however, that several of my crew waited over two hours for an inner-city bus, is a little pathetic.
As I speak, the snow has been washed away by a shower of rain and the crew of the Kipper have reverted to their normal depressed state. Ah, it’d warm the heart if I had one. YAAAARRRR!! SPLICE THE MAINSAIL AND SET A COURSE INTO THE RAIN AND DAMN YER EYES IF I CATCHES ONE OF YE FILTHY CRETINS SMOKIN IN MY PRESENCE!!!

Fuck fuck fuck!! I swore I’d never make a New Year’s resolution but I got fucking railroaded into it. I fucking hate New Year’s resolutions. I mean, why is it the only time of year that people make a concerted effort to change their lives. Surely the time to do that is when they know they’re fucked. Take a rapist, for example. What happens when he suddenly realises that he is second only to the pedophile in terms of sick fucking, degraded scum? What happens if he realises this in February? Does he say, “ah fuck it, I’ll just make it my New Year’s resolution to stop raping people”?
Alright, so I’ve given up smoking. Fuck it I love smoking. I’m two days in and I feel like I want to reach into my mouth, pull out my lungs and give them a severe talking to for being so wussy when my enjoyment was at stake. I fucking love smoking. I’m one of those smokers for whom no time is inappropriate to blaze up a joy stick and suck in the pleasure. I smoke right down to the filter and I fucking love it but I have now been hoodwinked into giving them up.
Y’see, it wouldn’t be too bad giving up smoking if I didn’t enjoy them so much with a pint. Now if ever there was a match made in heaven it is a cigarette and a pint. They just go so well together. You daren’t wish for a more perfect couple. I fucking love smoking but I fucking adore smoking whilst enjoying a pint. Ah, it just seems so right. It feels like I am being pleasured from all sides. So what happens now? I have to give up the fucking drink until such time as I feel I can trust myself to keep the two apart. Fuck it!
How did I get caught with this fucking challenge? A bet. That’s right, someone appealed to my ego whilst I was drunk - (and smoking no doubt). I never thought I’d be so easily played but I have been and now I sit here with a scowl on my features that only nicotine can erase and I can’t even pour myself a stein of rum to soften the depression. Fuck it!
Happy New Year my fucking arse!!!