Captain Purplehead

Yep, Christmas is here again and I’ve got to tell you, there are a lot of things boiling my fucking blood about the holiday season.
Firstly, fucking Christmas songs. I fucking hate the fucking things. Ok, so Fairytale of New York - (by the Pogues as opposed to the cringe-worthy version by Ronan fucking Keating) -is ok but the rest of them are just fucking annoying. Take that Mariah Carey one. All I Want for Christmas is you. Why oh why oh fucking why is that song played so often. It is the musical equivalent of having one’s scrotum sown to the carpet. All I want for Christmas is for Mariah Carey to stop singing… permanently! No goodbyes no fanfare, just shut the fuck up you whinging fucking slapper!! Why, by the way, has Cliff Richard not been incarcerated in a soundproof cell yet? I’m not even going to start on that fucking clown.
The other thing I hate about Christmas is tinsel. The fucking thing gets everywhere! You try to hoover it and it melds with the fucking carpet. It’s cheap looking and it doesn’t remind of Christmas. It reminds me of hoovering and I hate fucking hoovering.
Of course there’s Christmas shopping, which has become an extreme fucking sport. I was in a bookshop recently and disembodied hands kept shooting past my face, grabbing the books I wanted to buy. You’ve got to be quick to beat those fuckers.
Well at least there are the parties. I enjoy the parties, the drink and the general merriment but then the fucking cab drivers put up their fares by fifty fucking percent! You get a cab driver started on tax or the price of insurance or how the government are screwing us and they’ll rattle off chapter and fucking verse about how they have the worst jobs in the world. Come Christmas the fuckers are ripping people off in a way that even Bertie would be proud of.
And what about the festive pavies - sorry, itinerants? They started calling to my door singing Christmas carols in fucking November! Fuckers! I fucking hate carol singers. And what’s more is that they have absolutely no fucking sense of musical timing. Each line runs straight into the next. They sing like a fucking wasp in a bottle. Funnier still is the fact that they’re dropped off around the corner in a spanking fucking new SUV!! Fuckers!
What is it about Christmas and fucking marzipan? For those of you who don’t know; marzipan is the yellow, foul-tasting shit they put under the icing on a Christmas cake. I’ve never eaten my own leavings but I can’t imagine they taste much worse than fucking marzipan. I actually know people who fucking like it!!
Well, you might be fooled into thinking that I hate Christmas but I don’t. I’ll enjoy it but don’t get me started on the fucking New Year celebrations!

I said I’d leave the dust settle a bit before I wrote about the most recent spate of random shootings in America. I checked out the NRA website but, even though one of its headlines was a recommended recipe for game, there didn’t appear to be an official statement from them. Maybe I’m simply not permitted to get into their site anymore or maybe Wayne LaPierre should file it under, “what the NRA didn’t tell you today.”
It’s funny how these people go on a rampage and then shoot themselves. Why don’t they just shoot themselves first? Nobody gives a fuck if they do that and they’re a waste of oxygen as it is.
Isn’t it about time that the National Rifle Association just handed in their weapons and admitted that their policies are untenable in a world so full of fucking lunatics? I’ll admit that, if they ever develop a good lunatic screening technology, there would be no problem with a group like the NRA. Yes, I know that the lion’s share of their membership would not pass such a screening process but at least the tenets that they hold dear could be upheld by people who have no desire to play Rambo with their “legal” automatic weapons.
As I said before, the NRA is based on an amendment that was written when the only firearms available were single shot muskets. I doubt that the body count would be quite as high if people were limited to that. Oh, wait a second, guns don’t kill people; people kill people. No, that’s just a load of fucking crap. Nobody could actually take that seriously. Ok, guns don’t kill people; people with guns kill people. No, fuck that. That’s just saying that guns kill people and we know that that isn’t true. Right, guns don’t kill people; crazy fuckers with guns kill people. DAMN IT!! There’s just no other way to say it. GUNS KILL PEOPLE!!!
I’ve also said before that these events would not be the last in America and I see no reason to believe that we have seen the last random shooting in America. You’d think the government could send out a clear message about not shooting innocent people… oh, wait a second, they’ve been shooting and maiming innocent people for years.
If anyone can send me an official statement by the NRA regarding the recent shootings, please do. They do have a link to a story about a guy who shot a burglar who was trying to break into his house. The owner of the house fired a warning shot, emptying his shotgun. The criminal came back and attacked him but he somehow managed to crack open the shotgun and put two more shells in it before shooting the guy in the leg. Now you’d think that having pretty much having his leg blown off, the burglar would yield. Well you’d be wrong. The “brave” homeowner had to batter him across the head after he shot him; such was the ferocity of the attack. And the NRA hates the “liberal” media.