Captain Purplehead

Yes, I’m not quite over my renewed angst at the veritable who’s who of “who?” that is celebrity reality shows. Relax, I’m not going to rant about it again but I am going to talk about a non-entity who gets way too many column inches. I speak, of course, of the very embodiment of cringe that is Heather Mills.
In a recent outburst on television, she described how unfair it is that she is being painted as a sleazy gold digger when, in fact, she married a man twice her age for love and companionship. It would be like Catherine Zeta Jones saying that she didn’t get married to Michael Douglas to further her movie career. Moaning Mills then went on to liken herself to Princess Di because of all her charity work. Wait a second! Is prostitution considered charity now? What? Even if you charge two grand a shag? That’s ridiculous.
Yeah, she went off doing other charity work but don’t they all. I wonder if she’s going to donate the ridiculous amount of money she will get in her divorce settlement to any of those charities. Ok, maybe she’ll set up a trust fund for a malnourished cat that she found in her armpit in the late eighties but other than I doubt very fucking much that Miss - please like me - Mills will donate a fucking cent to anyone but her personal fucking shopper.
I’m not a fan of Paul McCartney but the only way to stop these gold-digging fucking trollops is to stop paying them massive divorce settlements. Make sure the kids are taken care of and, after that, warn the harlot as to her future sleaziness and warn the old, horny git as to his future stupidity. I wouldn’t mind McCartney losing most of his vast fortune but not to this snivelling fucking twat.
Let’s set things straight for Miss Mills. She became famous for getting her kit off and being an “escort” for some of the wealthiest men in the world. One of these included a prominent arms dealer who either directly supplied or knows who supplied the mines that injured the kids that she made sure she was seen to be charitable to. She has no basic talent outside of spreading her leg and so she married one of the wealthiest men in show business. Did she marry him for love? Yes she did….. the love of fucking money. Shut the fuck up, Heather. Enjoy your ill-gotten gains and stay out of the public eye.
You’ll be glad to know that I’m finished with ranting about nobodies for a while now.

Yes, it’s that time again. A load of former kinda well known people are being forced to eat shit so that they can have a go at a second fifteen minutes of fame. I find, yet again, that I’m unable to ignore it because people are talking about the fucking thing. WHY!!!!!! I’ll tell you why. People are watching this because there’s nothing of substance on. I was privy to a conversation about this show today and, as I couldn’t contribute to the conversation, I commented on how unbelievably disgraceful the situation in Serbia is at the moment. Mentally and physically handicapped children are put in an institution and tied to a bed for the rest of their lives. BBC news broadcast pictures of emaciated children and adults living in appalling conditions. These pictures were reminiscent of Auschwitz. Nobody is going to send armed forces to bring “freedom” to these children and bring to task those responsible and it’s genuinely frightening that this can happen in the twenty first century.
Anyway, these clowns didn’t’ know anything about this because they were too busy watching people who never had any talent talk and eat shit in the jungle. The only fear people seem to observe is the fear on the face of a forgotten wanker as he or she contemplates jumping into a box of frogs or snakes or whatever.
Fuck off, you idiots. If nobody watched the fucking thing, they might stop making it. The only reason we have reality T.V is because it’s cheap to make. So, yes, you’re being conned and you’re happy to be conned because you’re an idiot.
I’ve said it before but, what is going on with Irish peoples’ accents over the last few years? Because of the proliferation of crap television programmes from American and crap reality T.V from there and everywhere else, everybody seems to be talking with an interrogative inflection, using a language that doesn’t exist. I’m like ssoooo totally like over that? What the fuck are you talking about, you fucking numbskull. What the fuck is the future going to be like?
“Mr President; your like policy on the war in Lanzarote has been like totally criticised by the U.N. Can you still justify going to like war like when it’s like totally against the U.N resolution.”
“Well I like talked to the U.N the other day and I totally told them they like sssooo totally need to like get over themselves. I said like Helllooooo, there’s like gagillions of oilfields over there and we’re like totally gone back to riding horses. And they’re like, “ooh, President Basher, you’re like totally out of line” and I say like, who me? and they’re like “ya you” and I’m like freakin relax you like U.N dummies. I like so totally rule the like most powerful country in the world and we would like so totally kick your ass if we wanted to and they’re like “are you like threatening me” and I’m like puh-lease…”
You get the picture. If you stop watching crap, they’ll stop making it. Nuff said.

Fresh from a night’s sleep and a healthy dose of anger, I decided to call the Gards to find out if anyone was interested in the fact that I’d been robbed. The guy on the phone was helpful but advised that the likelihood of me ever getting my money back was somewhere between slim and none. I asked about the complaint submitted against me and the Gard showed that some cops are human. He as much as said that I had every right to be aggrieved at the treatment I received but that the complaint had been closed off. The result? I have apparently been warned as to my future behaviour. Well, I wasn’t warned and I advised the Gard of this - I mean, far be it from me to stand in the way of justice being served. He then said something typical but sensible. He advised me to let it go. It makes me wonder why this guy is manning a phone while the other two monkeys are out fighting crime - well, grime from the burger wrapper at least.
So there you have it. Another example of why this country is fucked.

No sooner had I written the last post - and it is now quarter past two - than I received a knock on my door. Just give a guess as to the identity of my late night caller - or callers? That’s right; it was Knob One and Knob Two.
They have now taken the statement that they refused to take during their junk-food session.
My statement has included their ignorance and lack of interest in the crime that had been perpetrated right before their little pig eyes. Was this for the benefit of getting my money back? NOOOO! They were simply following up their own complaint against me.
They even asked if they could come in!!! I had to tell them that I have to have, at least, the merest modicum of respect for anyone who is invited into my home. I also told them that I have left this in the hands of my solicitor. I’ll keep you posted on what will inevitably be a short-lived saga.
Let me finish this chapter by saying that I will not pay a single cent to these two, over weight, knuckle-dragging idiots, whose only perceived career path hinged on nepitism, while I still draw breath.
Fucking Idiots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have spoken about the travesty that is our government and their ability to become the best paid failures in the world. We have spoken about their inability to deal with the problems that face everyone but them every day. I have spoken about the reticence of the Gards and now I know that they really don’t give a fuck about anything but their interest-free mortgages and their love of fast food.
I was robbed tonight. I was robbed in full view of a parked police car. I went to an ATM to withdraw enough money to pay a bill - yes even Pirates have bills - and some fucking idiotic, but amazingly quick - brainless scumbag, took the money from my hand as I received it from the drink-link.
I could have run after him if I had been fit but I’m sadly not. I tried to run after him and noticed that there was a Gard car parked in front of a fast-food restaurant across the road. Lacking the pace to catch up with the aforementioned lowlife, I decided to rouse the police force - whose wages I pay - into action.
“Did you have the money in your hand?” asked one Gard through a mouthful of burger.
“Yes,” I replied, “for around two seconds.”
“You were capuhbngoiauh,” replied the other useless piece of shit….. I mean, Garda
“What?” I implored.
“Well you’ve got to be more careful,” he responded, whilst trying to digest his food. “Did you see where he went?”
Finally, a question that I could answer without wanting to kick the burgers back their throats.
“He ran towards the halting site over there,” I replied.
Both Gards chuckled before one of them said, “Good luck with that. We’re not going near there.”
I can’t say I blame them for that. I have just had four hundred Euro stolen from me and I wouldn’t go near there because I know I’d be lucky to survive the visit - and I’m not all that lucky. I don’t blame them for that at all but here’s the crazy bit:
I asked them about their wage increase. I asked them if they gave a fuck about keeping the peace. I asked them if there was any hope for a self-respecting. tax-paying member of the community to get any justice in a country whose Prime Minister is the best paid Prime Minister in the world. Knob one asked me to step away and behave myself and that’s when I lost it. I was standing about a metre - or three feet for my American friends - away from these two clowns and they still felt threatened by someone who was simply reporting a crime.
How did it finish? I was cautioned as to my future conduct. I replied by telling Knob two that, if they consider my behaviour to be in any way criminal, it pales in comparison to the lack of crime fighting behaviour from the very people on whom we are supposed to rely for such things. Ok, I didn’t put it that politely. As a result of my plea for help with a crime to which they were witness, I have to pay a fine. I’m not going to pay the fine and I’ve told them as much. Why should I pay a fine for being aggrieved at the lack of interest from a police farce who witnessed a crime being perpetrated against me and decided that they were too peckish to do anything about it?
This is what we vote for. We have a corrupt government and a useless police force. We pay through the arse for our houses, while criminals get free houses. Ireland is a shithole. Ireland is corrupt. Ireland has developed terminal cancer and there is nothing you will do about it.
“Oh of course you blame the itinerants….”
No I don’t. All I know is that one of them robbed me. There has been more money spent on housing them that has been spent on repairing the health service. I’m not saying they’re all bad but most of them are fucking criminals because they’re allowed to get away with it. I’m not even allowed to get away with reporting a crime, perpetrated by a traveller. Here’s the thing. I’m not being racist because they - unfortunately - belong to the same race. I’m simply saying, don’t take away their right to be fucking dickheads. I will give someone a chance if they deserve it but the fucker who robbed me doesn’t deserve a fucking thing. He gets free everything and pays for nothing.
Having said that, I don’t blame him. I blame the two fucking monkeys who decided to do fuck all about it.