Postcards From The Hedge.
Yet another friend has decided to go and live in Australia. At the risk of offending my Australian readers I must ask, WHY?? Why does everyone go to Australia? Yes, it’s a beautiful country - highly questionable government - and yes I wouldn’t mind visiting it one day but why must every Irish person under thirty have to go to Australia? Be original. Yes, I wholeheartedly agree that everyone should travel at some stage in their lives. It’s healthy, it broadens the mind and you tend to be less dogmatic about the virtues of your own country. To be fair, if I lived anywhere else, I doubt that I would ever consider visiting Ireland. Yes, it’s beautiful but it costs more to go out for the weekend here than it does to fly to fucking Europe and go on the piss there.
The one good thing about Ireland is that we don’t have the dirth of silly place names that other countries have. Ok, Donegal dropped the ball, with places called Muff and Nobber but generally Irish place names aren’t too bad.
Let’s start with Australia. It seems that Australians used to name things when they were drunk.
‘Ha’d ya git so wet?’
‘Ah fell into that… that… that… billabong’
Let’s face it, that is a fucking stupid name. I would hate to live in a place that required me to utter words like that. It would be even worse if I came from Chinaman’s Knob. Yes, there is a place called Chinaman’s Knob in Australia. Imagine emigrating from Muff to Chinaman’s Knob? What if you travelled from Chinaman’s Knob to Tittybong - another genuine Australian place name?
Italy, like Ireland, is fairly safe. There is, of course the exception of Arsoli in Lazio. There’s a Bastard in Norway, a Cunt in Spain, a Dikshit in India, a Little Dix Village in the West Indies, a Pis Pis River in Nicaragua, Shag Island in the Indian Ocean and a Wank in Germany but, by and large, Australia, the USA and the UK hold the record for stupid place names.
In England, you could come from Lickey End or Lord Berkeley’s Knob. If that wasn’t bad enough, you could come from Shitlingthorpe, Twatt or Brown Willy.
In America, you could live in Beaver, Beaver Head or Intercourse. You could find yourself in Climax - Colorado or Shafter. My point is, that you have to be careful where you put down roots because that will be your return address. For instance, I like Canada but I wouldn’t move to Dildo.
Travel? Absolutely. Make sure you do it. There’s nothing like leaving home for a while. Just be careful.
Well, I’m steering the Kipper towards Wet Beaver Creek in Australia to see what all the fuss is about.
