Captain Purplehead

My trusted reporter, Pablo, has brought me this clip from a Bush press conference.

Elvis on a fucking bike, he’ll kill us all.

Imagine being in New York when the World Trade Center was attacked. Imagine seeing that first plane go into the tower and being horrified at this terrible accident. Imagine staring up at the carnage and seeing the second plane fly in. I’m sure there would be a few moments of confusion before you realised that this is an attack. Now, imagine that you immediately get past the horror and formulate a plan where you get a lot of positive attention.
Whadafu, Cap’n? Let me explain. It seems that Tania Head - co-founder of the World Trade Center Survivors’ Network - isn’t all that she once seemed. Ms Head claimed she had been badly burned on the 78th floor of the South Tower and that a man died whilst trying to help her. She also claims that a dying man gave her his inscribed wedding ring, which she duly returned to his widow. In addition to this, she claims her husband/fiancé - it changes based on her mood, apparently - died in the North Tower. Being interviewed about her experience, she said, “It was like King Kong had come up and basically taken a chunk out of the north tower.” I don’t remember King Kong actually eating the Empire State Building but, ok, it’s an analogy. She also said, “Black smoke was billowing out into the blue sky. It was such a contrast; I’ll never be able to forget it.” Yes, a little dramatic. If the only thing you’re going to remember when you’re on the 78th floor of one of the most recognisable buildings in the world and that building is burning beneath and above you, you can deal with anything.
Y’see, it is alleged that Ms Tania Head was never in the WTC. Her stories have not been confirmed. I fervently hope that this is not the case because I just can’t fathom the depravity of someone using such a tragedy for personal gain. Miss Head states that she has done nothing illegal and that she didn’t claim any compensation or take payment for any of her work. Well that’s hardly the point, Tania. I’ll get to that in a bit.

Do any of you remember someone called Beverly Allitt? Beverly was a nurse in the children’s ward of a hospital. This ward had an unbelievably high death rate. Beverly Allitt suffered from a condition called Munchausen’s by proxy. It is a mental illness which drives its sufferers to extraordinary lengths to garner sympathy and attention. Are there any alarm bells ringing here, Tania? Ok, you might say that there is a major difference between what Tania is alleged to have done and what Ms Allitt got up to. Allit killed children in her care so that she could be seen to be involved in trying to save them and ultimately pitied when they died. She showed no remorse at their deaths, which is a symptom of Munchausen’s. Tania is alleged - I say alleged because I dearly, dearly hope that these allegations prove to be groundless - to have taken a giant shit on the memory of those who lost their lives, survived and lost loved ones when the World Trade Center was attacked. It is a despicable act, if it is true but I’ll bet you that Tania actually believes it’s ok because she was actively involved in helping people. No, Tania, if it’s true; it’s disgusting.

Many people crave attention. We all know someone who just has to butt in to just about every conversation. Celebrities just hop in and out of rehab when their star is fading. Of course, they have to invite the paparazzi along. Others play the drama-queen - now they are pathetic. You then have others who are far more sinister. If these allegations are true, Tania’s actions will prove to be a milestone in depraved behaviour in a world full of it. To assume the position of someone who has suffered when you haven’t is sad. To assume the position of someone who has suffered along with people, who have actually suffered and died, is criminal. Tania might not think she has done anything illegal but I think she’ll find that she’s mistaken.

Tania has been dismissed from The World Trade Center Survivors’ Network. The New York Times claim that there is no number listed under a Tania Head anywhere in New York. They also claim that Tania’s real name is Alicia. This is truly a sad development in an already impossibly sad story. How many people have stolen and shat on the memory of September 11th? George W has certainly used and abused the memory of it for the furtherment of his own sick agenda and now it seems that someone in whom genuine victims sought comfort was indeed a charlatan.

Yes, it sounds like that charming little jingle from that Saturday night show by that host who should never have been allowed in front of a microphone or camera, unless he was being tried for crimes against humanity, which brings us nicely along to the little worm about who I write again. Although, I can see this guy getting his own T.V show eventually. “It’s The Victor Bout Show!! This week’s guests include, former Nazi scientist - now a celebrity hairdresser: Joseph Mengele, Reformed Serial Killer and Children’s T.V presenter: Ted Bundy and Celebrity Chef: Hannibal Lecter.” Yes, you can just see it happening; Oprah for the criminally insane.
Victory Bout isn’t criminally insane; he’s just greedy and that makes him somehow worse. The reason for my second post on this fucking knobend is that I feel I kind of tripped through the last post without really illustrating how the Bush Administration is complicit in his continuing and richly undeserved freedom.

Victor is a former KGB Major. He was the kind of guy who would ram communism down peoples’ throats with a gun. Yes, comrade Bout was a loyal servant of communism. Funny then, how he jumped so wholeheartedly into capitalism by using ill-gotten gains to invest in an airline. I know, I know, he probably used to stare at the sky when he was a kid and say, “I’ll fly those skies one day.” Well, that’s not entirely true. He probably looked at the sky and said, “I’ll make a fucking fortune arming poor people so that they can oppress, fight, whatever…” Some of his airline activities are completely legal but others are decidedly not.
Take Air Cess, for example - if there’s a more aptly named airline, I haven’t found it. An airplane enthusiast once visited Sharjah, in the United Arab Emirates. He spotted a couple of Air Cess planes and, not having photographed this airline before, proceeded to click off a few snaps. Now, the idea of being a plane spotter is that you jot down the registration number of each plane so as to identify the aircraft you have spotted and to illustrate that you haven’t been snapping the same plane repeatedly. So, off Mr Planespotter trotted to identify the Air Cess Plane. The problem was that he couldn’t identify it through its registration and discovered that he couldn’t because the registrations were illegal. Funny how a country like The U.A.E would allow that to happen.
Anyhoo, this was 1999 and the Bush administration hadn’t yet hatched their plans to stop black people voting in Florida and therefore fraudulently win the election. Dubya was Dick Cheney’s performing monkey and Donald Rumsfeld was giving blowjobs for beer money. Alright, I just can’t let it pass without insulting those idiots. Y’see, in 1999, the American government were actively pursuing two men as priority. One was Osama Bin Laden - and let’s be honest, how many of you had heard of Osama in ‘99 - and one Victor Bout. These were considered to be enemies of, well, humanity. In 1999, Sierra Leone was in the grip of brutal internal conflict. This conflict was made possible by the weapons supplied by Victor Bout.

The new millennium breezes in and we’re all heartened by the chance of a clean slate. That is until a minority of the American people vote a fucking donkey into the Whitehouse. Well, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been because the donkey decided that, upon seizing power, he would head off on a holiday for eight months. This was cut short when another fucking idiot orchestrated a terrorist attack on America - an act which, by direct extension, caused the deaths of many of the people for whom the idiot in question claimed to speak.

“Crap, there goes my holiday,” grumbles Dubya
Osama Bin Laden is named as the mastermind behind the September 11th attacks and George discovers the name Victor Bout as he tries to ascertain what intelligence was gathered by the previous administration. Embarrassingly, George has given contracts to a fictitious airline called British Gulf International, owned by Victor Bout. Hhmm…

So, instead of cancelling the contracts and taking a contract out on the life of Victor Bout, George simply calls off the search.

To be continued…

I have just accepted a windows update for explorer and now I can’t close down an internet page without getting that fucking horrible error report message. Everything was working fucking fine until the bastards asked me to fucking update my fucking shit!! Not only am I being screwed by BT Broadband, but now I have to fucking wait in anticipation of a crash. I can’t open more than one fucking window now. Thank you fucking Microsoft!!
If any of you know of any way I can stop this fucking annoying shit from happening, please let me know. As for you, Microsoft; cop the fuck on!!

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is an idiot. Yep, a dyed in the wool, fucking idiot. Thanks to George W. Bush and his merry band of remedial wannabe politicians, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - the idiot - is now in a position where he can spew forth his idiotic mutterings without fearing a diplomatic incident. In fact, throughout Bush history and their alliance with William Farrish, one can safely say that the latent Bush manifesto ran - and may still run - in tandem with Ahmadinejad the idiot’s.
So, who is this idiot? Well he’s the Iranian President. Why is it that idiots are allowed to assume positions of power? Here’s some of the things that Ahmadinejad the idiot said whilst engaged in debate at Columbia University:
The holocaust never happened: “If the Holocaust is a reality of our time, a history that occurred, why is there not sufficient research that can approach the topic from different perspectives?”
Well, Moudie - can I call you that? - there aren’t many perspectives when it comes to the holocaust. Of course, an idiot with as little respect for humanity as yourself, would probably prefer to explore the “fluffy Nazi” perspective. “Look, they were trying to give prisoners gas-heated showers and there was a leak. The prisoners probably caused that leak themselves. Why, my house is heated with Zyclon B and, apart from a severe case of idiocy, I’m none the worse for it.” Yes, the Nazis forced people to work until they dropped dead to promote a decent work-ethic that would stand the vict… ahem … inmates in the future. Experiments on children was merely an advanced kind of Barney thing. Yes, Mengele dressed up as a purple dinosaur and accidentally tortured those kids. Listen, Moudie, shut the fuck up, you fucking idiot.
On apparent abuse of homosexuals in Iran: “We don’t have any homosexuals in Iran.” Really? Now, it wouldn’t surprise me if nobody

admitted

to being a homosexual in Iran but I doubt that there are no homosexuals there. In fact, it is a statistical impossibility that there aren’t any homosexuals in Iran. Now, you might want to sit down for this one, Moudie; there are probably a lot of homosexuals in Iran. I don’t know if you’ve ever studied psycholo… oh, wait a minute, you’re an idiot. There is a theory that goes something like this: People attack the things they’re afraid of. You attack homosexuals because, deep down, there is a part of you that feels threatened by it. One person showing love for another in any context is something that you should take notice of and learn from.
Iran undoubtedly holds the key to peace in the Middle-East but the ramblings of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad should serve as a warning. While there must be an open respect for other cultures, respect for humanity and human rights must take priority. If Dubya had his way, he’d be sacrificing a lot more young American lives in a war on Iran but it wouldn’t be because of their appalling human rights record - that would be kind of like the pot and the kettle - it would again wear the banner of freedom but freedom’s just another word for oil rights.
Donald Trump recently suggested that, if the Republicans stand a chance of regaining the presidency, George W. Bush needs to go into hiding. He’s right about that but the American people need to decide who leads their country based on how badly they want to salve the black eye that the Bush administration has given it. His cavalier approach has shown his apathy towards America and the rest of the world. Undoubtedly the next President will have to sit down with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and try and work towards a lasting resoltion to the mess that is the Middle-East. Let’s hope that it doesn’t come to that during the remainder of Bush’s tenure. That would be a little too Beavis and Butthead for me.

Yet another friend has decided to go and live in Australia. At the risk of offending my Australian readers I must ask, WHY?? Why does everyone go to Australia? Yes, it’s a beautiful country - highly questionable government - and yes I wouldn’t mind visiting it one day but why must every Irish person under thirty have to go to Australia? Be original. Yes, I wholeheartedly agree that everyone should travel at some stage in their lives. It’s healthy, it broadens the mind and you tend to be less dogmatic about the virtues of your own country. To be fair, if I lived anywhere else, I doubt that I would ever consider visiting Ireland. Yes, it’s beautiful but it costs more to go out for the weekend here than it does to fly to fucking Europe and go on the piss there.
The one good thing about Ireland is that we don’t have the dirth of silly place names that other countries have. Ok, Donegal dropped the ball, with places called Muff and Nobber but generally Irish place names aren’t too bad.
Let’s start with Australia. It seems that Australians used to name things when they were drunk.
‘Ha’d ya git so wet?’
‘Ah fell into that… that… that… billabong’
Let’s face it, that is a fucking stupid name. I would hate to live in a place that required me to utter words like that. It would be even worse if I came from Chinaman’s Knob. Yes, there is a place called Chinaman’s Knob in Australia. Imagine emigrating from Muff to Chinaman’s Knob? What if you travelled from Chinaman’s Knob to Tittybong - another genuine Australian place name?
Italy, like Ireland, is fairly safe. There is, of course the exception of Arsoli in Lazio. There’s a Bastard in Norway, a Cunt in Spain, a Dikshit in India, a Little Dix Village in the West Indies, a Pis Pis River in Nicaragua, Shag Island in the Indian Ocean and a Wank in Germany but, by and large, Australia, the USA and the UK hold the record for stupid place names.
In England, you could come from Lickey End or Lord Berkeley’s Knob. If that wasn’t bad enough, you could come from Shitlingthorpe, Twatt or Brown Willy.
In America, you could live in Beaver, Beaver Head or Intercourse. You could find yourself in Climax - Colorado or Shafter. My point is, that you have to be careful where you put down roots because that will be your return address. For instance, I like Canada but I wouldn’t move to Dildo.
Travel? Absolutely. Make sure you do it. There’s nothing like leaving home for a while. Just be careful.
Well, I’m steering the Kipper towards Wet Beaver Creek in Australia to see what all the fuss is about.

€350,000 buys you a decent house these days. Not a palatial spread with a fountain in front and a swimming pool behind but a three bedroom, semi-detached house in the suburbs. Decent people work their collective bollox off for such properties just to try and give their kids the best chance they possibly can in a society that is becoming more and more decrepit. I’m not going to try and weed out the minutia of the problems decent people face on a daily basis from idiocy and corruption because, for every reasonable argument, there is a nonsensical one waiting to be spewed forth by some whining, plastic socialist with picture of Che on his chest and no idea of the spirit of the owner of that face.
I digress. I was speaking of the prohibitive price of buying a decent home. Well, I wasn’t really. Y’see, the point of this is to point out a fact of modern life that is both worrying and disgusting. The County Councils of Ireland are busy buying up private houses so that they can give them to people who couldn’t care less about decent society. Y’know, people who can’t get a mortgage because they stabbed a couple of people and got themselves a couple of suspended sentences. You pay close to half a million for a house that’s worth nothing near that. You know you’ve been screwed by the system but you go along because you want to do your best for your kids and live a normal life. It’s nice. There’s a nice feel to the community. There’s finally a feeling of home every time you put your key in your front door or sit down in front of your T.V after a hard day’s work. Everything is ticking along nicely. You’re finding a few more grey hairs every week but you don’t mind because you have achieved some level of contentment.
You wake up one morning and there’s a van unloading furniture into the house next door. Ah, lovely. New neighbours. A chance to extend the warm welcome that was extended to you on your arrival. Two nights after their arrival, you can’t sleep because of the sound of hip-hop and laughter coming from your new neighbours’ house. Ok, so they’re having a house warming party. That’s fine. Three O’clock in the morning and there’s the sound of a drunken argument. This soon escalates into a full-on fight and it has spilled over onto the strip of grass that part of your €350,000 calls a front lawn. You go down stairs to ask your new neighbours if they’d mind keeping it down. They tell you to fuck off back into your house if you know what’s good for you and you don’t doubt them because you now know that you’re dealing with a knuckle-dragging sociopath.
You go back inside and try and calm your kids down and hope that this is a once-off event. Two months later, you finally realise that it wasn’t a one-off and you decide to sell up and move somewhere else. You now find that the house that cost you €350,000 is now worth €210,000. €140,000 in two months? Surely not! A few people view your property and are genuinely interested in buying it until the primate next door drives over your strip of grass and gets out of his car while throwing all manner of insults at his wife.
Six months later, your house is still on the market.
Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? That’s because it is ridiculous. “Oh, but you have to give these people a chance.”
I am more than willing to accept that not all of these houses are handed to fucking Neanderthal scumbags but it does happen all too often.
Twenty years ago, a few caravans pulled into a piece of land on the outskirts of Limerick. These travelling people weren’t necessarily bad but they just pulled in there and, since nobody moved them on, they stayed. The piece of land they moved onto belonged to a childless couple. When this couple died, the County Council offered the travelling people one million euro for the land that they paid nothing for. They’re holding out for three million. Squatter’s rights. It’s not only the travelling community that takes advantage of this loophole in the law. Our very own talking plank, Pat Kenny, has claimed squatter’s rights on a piece of land on which he lives. So, here’s my advice. Don’t pay a small fortune for a house on an estate that the Council seems hell-bent on turning into a slum. Buy a caravan and move onto a piece of idyllic land. In twenty years time, you’ll be a fucking millionaire because we live in a country that protects its criminals and couldn’t give a fuck about the law-abiding amongst you.

For fuck’s sake! Where are all the orignial ideas gone? Are you old enough to remember the feminist reaction to the “Six Million Dollar Man”? Remember, Lindsay Wagner as the nice girl next door Bionic Woman. Both it and the aforementioned series from which it was spawned were bollox. Now we have the new and pathetic REMAKE!! Now there’s a word that should be stricken from our vocabulary. I only rant about this because I have heard a far more disturbing rumour. On the back of the success of the Sopranos, a series called, “Godfather - The Series” is to begin production in March next year. BOLLOX!!! Nothing is sacred anymore.

I only use that title because I’ll be surprised if at least one tabloid doesn’t use it, given the fact that Jose Mourinho has parted company with Chelsea.
When Jack Walker bankrolled Blackburn’s push to the title, everybody said they bought the league. When Peter Ridsdale bankrolled a briefly successful period for Leeds Utd under David - The Destroyer - O’Leary, their fans were on cloud nine. When they consequently became an almost non-entity, those same fans rued the day they cheered for the £22m signing of a donkey by the name of Rio. Now Chelsea fans will wake up to the news that the most ridiculous club in the world has sacked their Special One.
I spoke to a “new” Chelsea fan only a couple of nights ago and he asked my why I still support Villa? I asked him, in turn, why he supports Chelsea and he told me that he loves a winner.
‘Well,’ said I, ‘why don’t you support Villa then?’
‘You might have beaten us two weeks ago,’ said he, ‘but Chelsea have a better pedigree.’
I could have gone on to educate this idiot about the fact that Villa’s trophy cabinet makes Chelsea’s look like a standard mantelpiece but I relented because, tosser though he most certainly is, he had a point. Chelsea have never been beaten at home under Jose Mourinho. Yes, he spent a bucket-load of cash on his squad. Yes, they bought the league in a bigger and more destructive way than Blackburn had but you simply cannot argue with a record like that. I guarantee you that Chelsea will be beaten at home this season. Now that it appears Mourinho has gone, they will get a manager like Hiddink or Lippi who will take their time moulding a team.
Apparently Roman Abramovich wants them to play more attractive football. Spurs play great football but they will never win the league playing like that. Arsenal play better football than anyone in the Premier league but they cannot sustain a heavy injury list. Chelsea have started the season without several key players and they have still maintained their unbeaten home record and that is the point.
Chelsea have had the worst luck with injuries. No squad can cope with the loss of more than two key players. Abramovich paid £31m for Shevchenko. Mourinho didn’t ask for him. Chelsea is a classic case of megalomania. I dearly hope that they finish outside the top four this season because Roman is a fucking wastrel. Here’s a guy who could feed and impoverished nation for a decade without making a dent in his ill-gotten fortune but, instead, he decides to pay a fortune for a striker who is well past his sell-by date.
Mourinho was a character in a game that is fast becoming devoid of them.
Here’s hoping Chelsea become the next Leeds United.

Here’s a little known fact that should add to the legion of well known facts that should lead to the impeachment of George W Bush. Y’see there’s this nasty little Russian prick called Victor Bout. Victor is one of those pieces of shit who sells arms to lunatics in impoverished countries. Ever heard of Sierra Leone? Well Victor probably hadn’t either; until he heard that there was a group of fucking idiots who wanted to cut a swathe of terror throughout the country. Remember that bloody conflict that America didn’t bother its arse putting a stop to? Well that was made possible by Victor Bout.
What’s all this got to do with George? Well, the Clinton administration was actively searching for Victor to lock him up and cut his nuts off. This, along with the apprehension or assassination of Osama Bin Laden, was considered a priority. The reason they considered it thus was because of the black eye that Bush senior had given America by allowing arms dealers to carry on on the condition that they would arm some factions that America couldn’t be seen to support. Funny then that on assumption of the most powerful position in the world, the primate incumbent decided to call off the search. Now why would a peace and freedom loving monkey like George W Bush want to allow a fucking parasite like Victor Bout off the hook? This is a guy who has professed to want to bring freedom to the darkest corners of the world.
By saying that Clinton went after him does not mean that I am cheering for the cigar loving ex-president. It was he, after all, who decided to do fuck all about the atrocities being visited on Sierra Leone. At least he sought the supplier out. An act of omission is still an act and Bush is guilty yet again. He will argue that he’s been too busy fucking up Iraq but the fact is that America has more than enough resources with which to find this guy. I guarantee you that, like the Bush family, Bout has strong ties with at least one member of the Bin Ladens.