Captain Purplehead

Whilst awaiting some long overdue dental work recently, I picked up a magazine - as you do - and began to peruse its contents. T’was a music magazine, whose name - for legal reasons - escapes me, and I couldn’t really concentrate on reading an article on the magnificent Beck because of the drilling noises coming from the surgery. I decided to move on and came across a ridiculous article on Madonna.
The author of this article extolled the virtues of the pop princess, whilst warning that you can’t just say that Madonna is shite because people may not know about which Madonna you are speaking. In the interests of clarity then, I would like to point out that I am speaking about Madonna Cicconne - now Madonna Ritchie - the same over-played slapper who had hits with Like a Virgin, Papa don’t preach and Crazy for you. The same one who refused to shave her armpits in the eighties and believes that we all want to see a fifty-year-old woman doing the splits in a leotard. Further to the cause of clarity, I will call her Madge for the rest of this post.
Am I a fan of Madge? No.
Do I hate Madge? Not particularly.
Do I think Madge is over-rated? Oh yes, definitely. Absolutely yes. Unequivocally and resoundingly affirmative.
What will follow is a brief list of things for which I believe Madge is solely responsible since her emergence in the eighties. I will then qualify my belief that she is one of the most over-rated artists in history. So. here’s the list:
1. Blurring the line between confidence and pomposity. Arguably the most potent advocate of “girl-power” in pop culture, she seemed to grow from being liberal to pompous in an extremely short period of time.
2. Becoming Guy Ritchie’s anti-muse. After making the solidly entertaining “Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” and “Snatch” - not the constantly displayed and seldom preened… sorry - Guy went off and made “Swept Away” as a vehicle for his wife.
3. Swept Away.
4. Robbing someone talented of the role of Evita, simply because part of her dream includes an Oscar acceptance speech. Not gonna happen, Madge.
5. Sex - the book, not the act.
6. Proving that cleavage and innuendo will disguise a severely average voice.
7. Americans suddenly turning British.
8. Holiday - the song. I knew I’d run the risk of having that piece of shit stuck in my head by writing this. If this has now happened to you, go back a few posts and there’s a video of Richard Thompson that should help you out.
9. Nearly ruining Willem Defoe’s career with that shite movie, Body of Evidence, which was a direct rip off of Basic Instinct and only served as PR stunt for Madge - at least she shaved her armpits for the role.
10. Vogue. If there is anything more hilarious this side of Morris Dancing, I haven’t found it.

So there you have it. Am I wrong about Madge being over-rated? No. The author of the article that instigated this post also said that she has made a bigger difference than the Beatles - citing the fact that she went hang-gliding with, and I quote, “her rat out” as one of her reasons for saying this. So, in order to be more influential than the Beatles, all I have to do is whip out by johnson and go abseiling. The name of this… ahem… journalist escapes me but she should know that, well, she’s full of shit if she believes that Madge has been more influential than the Beatles. It’s simply not true and is ridiculous on so many levels.
The fact that she has managed to reinvent her image and keep herself popular is merely a talent in PR and media manipulation. It does not mean that she has made any meaningful contribution to music because she hasn’t. There is a difference between following a trend and creating one and Madge mainly jumps on a trend in its infancy.
Now, before all you Madge fans start baying for my blood, think about her contribution in musical terms, there hasn’t been one.