Captain Purplehead

Just a quick post to wish you all a happy new year. The Thirsty Kipper is docked and I will be seeing in the new year with me foine wench and me crew. The rum has been… ahem… appropriated and the decks are scrubbed. I have had many things to give out about this year and it is my firm hope that 2007 holds far less to complain about. I have also had many things that made me smile. In Bloggage, I firmly recommend Bock The Robber - a fellow Limerick man and a foine blogger if ever there was one. Check out his Scientology blog and the mighty dictator one, which is one of the cleverest I have read.
In music, I loved the new Muse album but not as much as Absolution. I also loved Grant Lee Philips’ Nineteeneighties album which covers great songs of the eighties like Wave of Mutilation by the Pixies, Love My Way by the psychedelic Furs, Last night I dreamed somebody loved me by the Smiths and Boys don’t cry by the Cure.
In politics, I was heartened by the American peoples’ firm too fingers to the Republicans.
In movies, I loved The Departed, the movie based on my life starring Johnny Depp and Nacho Libre. To be honest, I saw quite a few better movies than the ones above but I cannot think of them at the moment.
In sport, I loved the Villa takeover and managerial appointment. I loved our start to the season but the transfer window can’t open soon nor wide enough. I also loved hearing Mourinho making an arse of himself.
Loved the Ryder Cup and enjoyed my time there.
In travel, I loved Venice and Rome. Italy is a secret that everyone should discover.
In Piracy, I loved our sacking of the Island of Dodgy Skull and the new GPS system I installed in the Thirsty Kipper.
I hope you all find some joy in the new year and that you don’t take it for granted. I someone makes you smile on a regular basis. I hope and wish and pray that we all find peace.
Happy New Year!!!!! YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

I have long been saying that Hollywood has run out of ideas. How many classic movies have been made in the last ten years? Mystic River is one and there are a few others but there really isn’t the same volume of quality film making that there used to be. Why? Because the entertainment industry is no longer the province of rebels and frustrated genius’. It is now a big money machine. Music is churned out assembly line-like and we have the strains of untalented fucking pretty boys and girls assaulting our aural space on all to frequent an occassion. Don’t get me wrong; there is still some great music coming out. The Fratellis, Muse and Arcade Fire to name but a few but there are too many really good bands being sacrificed for the sake of some fake fucking idiot who insists on warbling Bee Gees or Garth Brooks covers for easy money and then complaining that no on takes him seriously. WE WOULDN’T TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY IF YOU WERE HOLDING A GUN TO OUR HEADS YOU FUCKING MAGGOTS!!!
Every movie these days is either a fucking remake or a sequel. Where are the new fucking ideas. I just bet there have been some fucking brilliant scripts put through the shredder in favour of a remake of the remake of some fucking piece of shit which was rubbish in the first place. Then there are the remakes of classics, which clearly fuck them up.
I loved the Lord of the Rings movies but what has happened to Peter Jackson since? He does a pointless remake of King Kong and now he is slated to do an equally pointless remake of Dambusters. These movies are still great and there is absolutely no point in remaking them. Lets just keep that big fucking money machine rolling.
Of course you also have prequels. FFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!
Carlito’s Way was a fucking great movie but recently the made a fucking prequel!!! You can just imagine the meeting.
Brad: “Right, what movie are we gonna make next guys?”
Corey: “Hey how about a sequel to Carlito’s way. I’m thinking of Matt Damon as Carlito.”
Brad: “Excellent idea!”
Monique: “Ahem. Didn’t Carlito die at the end of the first movie?”
Brad: “Damn Damn Damn it all to hell!”
Corey: “Well we could always do a prequel with McAuley Culkin as Carlito.”
Brad: “You’re a damn genius Corey. Y’see, Monique, you could learn from this guy. How are we doing with the Pee Wee goes Fishing remake?”
Brad: “Well Ian McKellan has pulled out of the lead role.”
I wonder how fucking far off I am. not very fucking far at all, I’ll bet.
The only remake that I can think of that made any sense to make was Ocean’s Eleven because the first one was absolute fucking pants. Why can’t the big studios employ people with ideas?
My hope for 2007 is to see an end to unecessary remakes and sequels.

Saddam Hussein was executed this morning and I’m not at all sad that he’s dead but, yet again, his trial was a farce that will give his supporters the belief of credibility in their cause. I don’t think there was any doubt that he’d be executed but his trial should have been carried out correctly.
A lot of people will ask why there is such a public outcry against Saddam’s execution but it is more than justified.
George W. Bush said that Saddam’s execution was a “milestone”. It could end up being a millstone around the necks of the American soldiers in Iraq. Successive American governments have selected their dictators carefully. For a long time, Saddam was a close and important friend of America. Here is a list of just a selection of the many dictators and despots supported by America:
Idi Amin
Augusto Ugarte Pinnochet
Fulgencio Batista
P.W Botha
Al Qadaffi
Noriega
Anwar Al Saddat
Husni Mubarak
Chiang Kai Shek
Syngman Rhee
Park Chung Hee
Laurent Kabila
All of the above dictators were brutal to their people. Some of them make Saddam look like fucking Santa Claus. Pinnochet also died recently but of natural causes. The old iron fucking bitch herself - Thatcher - said that she was “saddened by his death. Of course they were kindred spirits. All of these dictators were nasty pieces of work and let’s not forget the evil dictator who is currently waving WMDs at his neighbour. That’s right; I give you Kim Jong Il. Now there’s a dictator whose people are starving while he lives in luxury. He actually HAS WMDs. Why doesn’t Bush and his pals go after this little monkey? Because they won’t be as easy to beat as Iraq was. America’s invasion of Iraq was like Lennox Lewis fighting Woody Allen. Even though there was a comical mismatch between both parties, America have not yet won that war. There have so far been almost 60,000 civilian deaths since the start of the conflict. That’s 60,000 people who should not have died.
So what is the difference between Saddam and the long list of dictators that they have supported and continue to support. There are differences in that he was worse than a few but not as bad as others. The similarities? He was a despot, a dictator and a murderer. He was supported by the American government. Of course, Bush is the closest that America has come to a dictator and he should stand as a shining example of how badly Americans need to vet prospective candidates. The immediate answer is just don’t vote republican but I don’t have much faith in the Democrats either. There have been too many false dawns. It is time for us to have some faith in the American people and to hope and pray that they reward that faith. I would love to sign off 2007 by saying that I am in full agreement with American foreign policy but I can’t see that happening.

As 2006 issues it’s final death rattle, many reflect on the events that have set it apart from other years. I suppose the obvious one is the American public’s belated recognition of the shortcomings of its Government. We can only hope that the Democrats use their influence to change policies for the better. The Patriot Act should be the first to go but I am not going to go on about what happened this year because you will have a veritable plethora of lists to peruse. I am going to make a few predictions for 2007 and we can meet back here in 12 months - God willing - and see how close I came. I’ll keep my predictions to categories so that, if there is a subject you couldn’t give a fuck about, you can move on.

Sport

: Roman Abramovich will sell Chelsea to a consortium from Nenagh who will turn Stamford Bridge into an Abattoir.
Jose Mourinho will take over as manager of Crewe Alexandra who will draw Chelsea in their last FA Cup campaign and, upon seeing his side lose 1 - 0, will say that referees have been biased in Chelsea’s favour for years.
Aston Villa will sign Cannavaro, Buffon, Rooney, Gerard, Henry and Fabregas and will win the league at a canter.
William Gallas and Ashley Cole will release a duet for charity.

Show Biz:

Britney Spears will marry Bryan McFadden just before the release of their albums and then divorce him by smoke signal after just six weeks. He will have knocked her up again though. She will also release her own line of lingerie called, “Invisible” and a placenta recipe book.
Ronan Keating’s 15 minutes of fame will finally be deemed up and he will be banned from all amplification equipment as well as having his CD collection burned. He will then be tried and convicted for crimes against music.
Pete Doherty will explode.
Charlotte Church will have an operation to remove her ego and realise that she’s actually really fucking annoying.
Linda Martin will audition for I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here and nobody will know who she is.
Louis Walsh will suffer a severe bout of thrush and write a book about how his life has changed since he shaved his fanny.
Sophie Anderton, Jade, Chantelle, Jason Donovan, Jordan, Peter Andre and Jodie Marsh will star in a ground breaking new reality TV show called Nobody Gives A Fuck About Me, Put me in the Jungle. The TV show will basically be a ten minute short which sees the contestants dumped in the jungle. It will be axed and no money will be made available for their return.
Fitty Cent will release his new album, “I’m gonna Blow Your Fucking Brains Out you Motherfuckin Piece of Shit” and donate all the proceeds to the victims of violence inspired by the album.

Politics:

As George W Bush continues to lose his grasp on reality, he lobbies to have the Whitehouse renamed “Berchtesgaden” and the House of Representatives to be renamed, the “Reichstag.” He will appoint Mel Gibson as his religious advisor. Israel’s protests will be shortlived as Bush promises them WMDs. He will then go to war with them, claiming they have WMDs.
Tony Blair will postpone his retirement, stating that George W. threatened to steal his lunch money if he resigned.
Donald Rumsfeld will form a death metal band called Satan’s Knobcheese and go to No.1 in Norway with his debut single, Known Unknown Napalm Resurrection.
Bertie Ahern will face a tribunal for writing blank cheques to his hairdresser. He will also fall over a rent boy and have to spend the night on a trolley in A&E.

Hope you all have a happy and peaceful new year. I’m off to the Kipper for rum and biscuits. Make sure you have stocked up on Alka Seltzers for the mornings ahead and may the wind always guide you somewhere safe.
Yours always,
Cap’n P.

It’s true. I have become invisible. I didn’t drink a secret formula or anything, it just happened. How do I know? Well I went shopping today and nobody seemed to be able to see me. First of all, I’m glad they don’t have dock instead of a parking lot in Irish shopping malls because I would have serious trouble getting the Kipper docked. What is it with Irish people? There are two white lines provided with ample room in-between for you to park the car you are so badly in fucking hock for, yet you insist on taking up two fucking spaces. I’d hate to see your fucking toilet if your aim is that bad.
Anyway, I won’t go on about the abysmal fucking parking as my invisibility must be the priority. I wanted to buy myself a new jacket. The first shop I went into should be renamed, Wa-Wear. If you want a shiny tracksuit, it’s just the ticket. I nevertheless ploughed ahead in an effort to find something a little more piratey. I found a small, forgotten section of the shop where there were some half decent jackets and so decided to peruse said section. It was at this point that I discovered my invisibility. A woman who looked like she could eat a couple of turkeys and a bucket of stuffing as a snack walked into me and, when I stumbled back a step, she began looking at the jacket I was looking at. She looked a bit perturbed at the initial contact but then carried on as if I wasn’t there. I presumed that she probably thought that one of her plethora of folds of fat got away from her and slapped back, thus causing the sensation of impact. I said excuse me but she just ruffled her snout a little and continued to inspect the jacket that I had been looking at.
Me hearties; I walked from the shop and was bumped into a further four times and the shock realisation of my invisibility hit. I went to another store, thinking that it might wear off. In this establishment, I found the jacket I wanted. I made my way over to it and another woman - not of the gargantuan size of the first one but not far off - parked her push-chair right in front of the display I wished to check out. I was apparently still invisible so I just pushed the buggy out of my way so that I could try on the jacket. I presumed this would illicit a response from the woman but she simply looked quizzically at the push-chair and set the brake. She didn’t even seem to notice the jacket moving around on its own.
Well, the jacket didn’t quite fit so I decided to cut my losses and take a look at some DVDs. Having selected three, I braced myself to go to the check out. How would the check-out girl react to three floating DVDs? I got to the counter and a man - who, judging by his shiny tracksuit, had been to WA-Wear previously - just barged in in front of my and commenced to pay for a Wolfe-Tones CD. The checkout girl took for the pile of shit in a box that he was buying and he went on his way. I approached carefully, not wanting to alarm her but she didn’t even look in my direction. She just took the money and continued talking to her colleague. I was too relieved at my invisibility not being discovered to worry about the contemptible customer service.
For those of you planning to brave the January sales, try to stay visible. We Irish people are no longer the loveable rogues we once were. We are now a shower of ignorant fucking idiots who have done for parking what King Herod did for babysitting. If you are one of these idiots, I pity you and your pointless little lives. Your presence on the planet makes the population crisis that bit more unbearable. You are a total waste of oxygen.

How many times in the last few weeks have you heard people say, “I can’t believe it’s Christmas already.”? For me; I have heard it too many times. Why don’t you ever hear people saying, “I can’t believe that it’s the third of August already!”? When you hear another person saying, “I can’t believe that Christmas day is next week!” just reply, “No it’s not. It’s the 3rd of Septober, you idiot!”.
Maybe it’s the Ebenezer in me but why do people become more moronic around Christmas. Don’t get me wrong; I love Christmas but there are a lot of people who take the opportunity to be complete twats. I was out last night and one girl just came up to me and said, “I’m getting good and drunk and I’m going to annoy everyone.” She punctuated this sentence with a giggle that gave me the impression that, whilst she may not get drunk on a regular basis, she is perpetually annoying. What did I do to illicit this statement from her? I was just standing there with my pint. If this inane sentence did nothing else, it did coax a retort from me but I’m afraid I can’t remember what it was.
Of course we can’t forget to be pc his Christmas. You are no longer encouraged to wish someone a happy Christmas because it may be insulting to other religions. America, being the home of pc, is particularly stringent on banners advising people to have a happy Christmas. Of course, blowing the shit out of stuff isn’t at all insulting. Why can’t you wish people a happy Christmas. I have no problem wishing someone a happy Hannukkah or Ramadan or anything else. For fuck’s sake!! Have we completely lost our sense of fucking humour? And yes, America, it is spelt H-U-M-O-U-R. Why the fuck do Americans choose to speak English but spell everything differently? If you’re going to use a language, don’t fucking take the beauty out of it!! “I totally dig the color of the sidewalk” It’s C-O-L-O-U-R and it’s a pavement or a fucking footpath!
The movie, The Madness of King George was originally called The Madness of King George IV but they had to rename it because it was felt that Americans would wonder where the three previous movies were? FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!!
Anyway, let me just qualify that I don’t have anything against Americans per se, but there are parts of their culture and their government that annoy me.
There are also a lot of parts of Irish culture that annoy me. Our Government seem hell bent on wring the last cent out of each of us so that they can have even more perks and we do fuck all about it. This year, make a pact with yourself to send them a message. Spoil your vote. A woman was sent to prison for defaulting on a €1600 loan while we gave a state funeral to a man who embezzelled €46m out of the state coffers. Does this make sense? No it fucking doesn’t and Irish people continue to do fuck all about it. I am no lover of the French but when their government does something that they don’t like, they come out en masse and let them know.
Anyway, this holiday season fuck pc. If you want to wish someone a Happy Christmas, just go ahead and do it. I guarantee you that you will insult nobody. If you do, they need to go away and re-evaluate their sanity. If you feel like covering your house with a Happy Christmas banner, just go ahead and do it. If someone comes to your door to tell them that your banner is insulting, give them a bag of shit and ask them which is worse. If they give you an answer, tell them to fuck off and wish them a happy Christmas while you are kicking them on to the footpath - or sidewalk or whatever. If they still find your banner more insulting, you know that there is something seriously wrong with them.
In closing I’d like to wish you all a very Happy Christmas from everyone at the Thirsty Kipper and a peaceful and prosperous new year.