Hello all you wonderful people.
Maybe it’s a little bit of seasonal joy, maybe it’s the infectiousness of the ol Christmas spirit in late October, or maybe it’s the drugs. Whatever the reason, I seem to have lost all of my bitterness on this fine day, which is really nowhere near Christmas. Yes, I’m almost …….happy? I’m not really in the Christmas mood; I’ve just been put in mind of the silly season because of the unmistakable sound of the big money machine kicking into gear. Don’t ask me how many shopping days are left because, if you don’t have enough time, you’re a moron. It seems to take the good out of Christmas but, never mind, I have lost my bitterness for now. Richard Shepherd’s site seems to have all but ground to a halt and my sister and my nephew are visiting. Yes, it seems that all I need is the lunacy of an adorable five year old to gee me right up. Maybe it’s his exuberance which has also put me in mind of Christmas. Ah yes, as I sit here at work, I feel that I should share a few thoughts pertinent to the Christmas period with you. Maybe we should sing a hymn first. No? Ok then, I suppose I’ll just get on with it.
Ok, I’m not going to get in to some religious debate; it’s just that I’ve come to the conclusion that Jesus wasn’t born on the 25th of December. How do I know this, I hear you ask. Well it’s simple really.
Right, Christians believe that Jesus was born on the 25th and that we began recording time at about the same time, which gives us New Year one week after his birth. Now, first of all, King Herod spent about 3 months trying to find him and kill him so, unless the calendar began
retrospectively, this is not possible. I think that the guy who invented the calendar perfected it almost 2007 years ago. This would mean that we are actually celebrating the birth of the calendar. Is it not possible that when somebody says “250 years bc” they are actually saying “250 years before calendar”. Are we to assume that Jesus’ birth coincided with the beginning of recorded time on the same basis that we are supposed to believe that he was born in the Middle East to Middle Eastern parents but was still white? I’m no agnostic; I believe in God, I just can’t swallow the plethora of coincidences put forth by Christianity. I mean the inventor of the calendar was apparently a guy called Quetzalcóatl, of course he was believed by the Aztecs to be a winged serpent god who controlled Day and Night – well he would be, wouldn’t he. Nah, just can’t swallow that one either. I would be inclined to guess that the inventor’s name was Calendar, Yeah that would make more sense. Ok. So let’s just say that his name is Maurice Calendar. Should we not have a holiday for him? Should we not have “Maurice Calendar Day”? I mean, let’s face it, if it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t have any other holidays and if we did, we wouldn’t know when they were. Yes, I know that we have New Year’s Day off, but shouldn’t we have another day of to celebrate Maurice himself? Who knows what kind of folklore we could invent. We could achieve one of my life long ambitions by making Santa obsolete. I’m sorry, but in this day and age there is something decidedly creepy about a strange old guy in a red suit creeping around your house at Christmas leaving “presents” for your kids. Think about the danger that this poses for your kids. I mean, there you are asleep, gifts under the tree, kids in bed full of excitement. Suddenly your child hears a noise downstairs and, thinking it’s the jolly old red dude, makes his or her way down stairs to catch a glimpse of him. But it’s not Santa, its burglars. Well, ok, I agree that your kid would probably lay traps all over the house for the bumbling burglars and all kinds of hilarity would ensue, but what if your kid was just a fraction too slow in springing one of those traps? Huh? D’ya ever think of that? No I think it’s time for a new Santa. I would call him “Herpes The Wonder Horse” and he would fly around the world delivering gifts on Maurice Calendar’s eve. He would be dressed in green and wear a mask and for the rest of the year he would live amongst us, solving crimes. He would also run a successful modeling agency as a cover for his extra-curricular activities. He would have an assistant called “Phoebe Happybox” who would reluctantly resist his charms due to her sense of professionalism but her heart would never be tamed because, on some level, she believes that there will be a time for Phoebe and Herpes.
Also, Maurice Calendar’s day would not be consistent worldwide. In the southern hemisphere it would be in November and in the northern hemisphere it would be in June. This would assure the best flying conditions possible. Circumnavigating the globe on the same date, at the same time every year is just tempting fate. I feel that there should be a week given at the time with a further week to be taken in lieu over the winter months. Everything has a short shelf life these days y’know. Does a guy who only comes into our lives once a year, really deserve to be revered so? What does he do for the rest of the year? If I had a job which only required me to work one day a year, I would be quite happy really. Herpes The Wonder Horse, would not necessarily have to be a jolly bastard either. Let’s face it, if you are trying to get to every single house on the planet over the space of one night, being nice isn’t going to get the job done. We could still keep the songs, just change the words. Take Santa Claus is coming to town:
Herpes The Wonder Horse Is Coming To Town
You Better not shoot
or get yourself high
You better not pimp
I’m telling you why
Herpes The Wonder Horse is coming to town
He’s getting his list
He’s checking it once
Cos if you’re not on it you’re a stupid little ponce
Herpes The Wonder Horse is coming to town.
He knows when you’ve been smoking
He knows when you’ve been stoned
He knows when you’ve been dealing drugs
And playing with your bone.
Can you see my point? More realistic. He would also have registered helpers to work for him so that getting around the world would be realistic. They would all have different traits. They would work in rotation – kind of like Liverpool, meaning that you could have a favorite Herpes Helper. Wow, this could be bigger than the Power Rangers. You would have kids saying, “If I can’t get Herpes this year, I hope I get Spotty”. Y’know, Spotty could be his right hand man. You could have a whole team of them delivering joy in a realistic, no nonsense manner and kids would love them.
Well I don’t know about you but it’s a thought that cheers me up no
end. Happy Christmas – in October - (For now)